Bad Moms Page #7

begin in about five minutes,

so take your

assigned seats, okay?

Right now. Do it right now.

I can't believe

Gwendolyn would do this.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

You guys, what are we gonna

do with all this shitty wine?

For the next two hours,

I'm gonna talk to you guys

about the advantages

of year-round school.

We need to change

our children's future

by making them go to

school 365 days a year.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Three, two, one, go!

(GASPS) Catfish!

Did she say it?

Drink again! Drink

again, drink again!

Why am I the one

that's always drinking?

Because you

said the clue word.

KIKI:
That's when

you say it.

I don't understand

this game.

It's not a reading game!

(CARLA LAUGHING)

Okay, go.

Amy.

AMY:
What?

Emu!

No. Amy!

(INDISTINCT)

It said f***in' "emu"!

You're not good at this.

(LAUGHING)

CARLA:
Drink!

Drink again!

I'm gonna take you

back a little bit.

Genghis Khan.

Do you think he had

year-round schooling?

I think not.

Skip forward a little bit.

Osama bin Laden.

(CELL PHONES RINGING) He

didn't have year-round school.

(INDISTINCT MURMURS) There's

nothing more dangerous

than summer vacation.

GWENDOLYN:
Okay, ladies?

WOMAN:
Yeah, let's go.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hi, I'm Amy, nice to see you.

Come in, come in, come in.

Wow, there's

a lot of you.

Ooh.

Are you sure you can't

stay a little bit longer?

I've only got my sitter until 9:00.

Oh.

So I have to

skedaddle right now.

Okay. No, I understand.

I'm a mom.

I had such a great night.

Bye!

WOMAN:
We'll see you

over there.

Well, that ended a lot

earlier than I anticipated.

Yeah.

You don't think

they're all going over

to Amy's party, do you?

(LAUGHS)

Vicky, we had Martha f***in'

Stewart here tonight.

Who does Amy

have, hmm?

I'll drive. She could

have a point, yeah.

(ALL CHEERING)

This party is raging.

What a turnout.

(GASPS)

Hi, would you ladies

like a Jell-O shot?

Is that...

Is that...

Martha Stewart?

KIKI:
Thank you.

AMY:
Martha.

Oh, my God.

MARTHA:
Good, right?

I'm cumming.

AMY:
Oh, my God.

What's in this?

Well, it's bespoke

lingonberry gelatin...

Mmm.

...and a shitload of vodka.

(CHUCKLES)

They're delicious.

I start my day

with six of these.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink!

(LAUGHING)

Whoo!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Whoo!

(CHEERING)

Holy sh*t.

Is that Jennifer Noonan

peeing behind that car?

STACY:
Oh, my goodness.

VICKY:
This party

looks awesome!

I need to go

to this party.

What? Vicky!

Whoo!

Please, shut up!

Just shut up for one second.

I know it's a school night, so we're

just gonna get right down to it.

I wanna introduce you

to your next PTA president...

(ALL CHEERING)

Amy Mitchell!

Yes!

First of all,

I just wanna say this,

that I think that we, as

moms, do way too much stuff.

And if I'm elected, I promise

you we are gonna do way less.

Whoo!

Right? Less PTA meetings, less

luncheons, less f***in' bake sales,

just less bullshit!

(ALL CHEERING)

AMY:

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I think that our kids

need a break, too, you guys.

Come on, now, school starts

way too f***ing early, okay?

God, and they have

way too much homework.

I mean, our kids

don't even have time

to be kids anymore,

am I right?

(ALL AGREEING)

And what is up with these five

standardized tests a week?

We should not be teaching our

kids how to be good test-takers.

We should be teaching them

how to be good people!

What is

a standardized test?

So, if you're a mom who's

overworked, overstressed,

or if you're just a mom

who wants to do less...

ALL:
Yes!

Then just vote for me.

(ALL CHEERING)

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

This basic b*tch

right here,

she's gonna win

the election.

No, she's not.

Because I'm going to

hit her where it counts.

You're gonna punch her

in the vagina?

I literally don't know why we

hang out with you anymore.

Do you know the best thing

about mom parties?

They end at exactly

11:
00.

(CHUCKLES)

I made out with

so many women tonight.

I know.

KIKI:
Guys...

I really

like whippets.

(LAUGHING)

Hello?

Wow. Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, you kind of

booty texted me.

Uh...

What? It was a great party, Am.

So, uh...

Okay. You got all this, right?

Hi, Jessie. I really

like your clothes.

That was odd.

(INAUDIBLE) (CHUCKLES)

I'm so sorry.

Um...

I actually think Carla may have

booty texted you off my phone.

Oh, okay. (LAUGHS)

Okay, that makes sense

because what she wrote

was f***in' disturbing.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Um, I don't know.

Should I leave?

No.

Uh...

I was really

hoping you'd say that.

So what exactly

did Carla text you?

Why don't I show you?

(GASPS) Oh.

Okay.

(GASPS)

Oh, yes!

(BOTH MOAN)

AMY:
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(JESSIE PANTING)

Oh, that was...

Unbelievable.

I can't...

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

What was that...

Wow.

That thing you did

at the end?

(LAUGHS)

I don't know.

I kind of came up

with it in the moment.

Was it okay?

Oh, my God, it was amazing!

Yeah?

That was by far the best I've ever had.

Oh, God.

Oh, I was so worried.

You know, it's been awhile

since I've done this.

I think I got pregnant.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

Really. Hey.

Hi, yeah. Can I go

down on you again?

Oh, yeah,

that'd be great.

Cool.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

All right.

Oh.

Mmm.

(GASPS) Oh.

Oh, look at you go.

VICKY:
God,

it's dark in here.

(WHISPERING) God. I still don't

understand what we're doing.

Stop it. You guys never

tell me what we're...

GWENDOLYN:
Vicky, why are

you so f***in' stupid?

I like to start by saying that

every marriage is savable.

You just need two people who

are willing to work at it.

Okay?

Mike, Amy, I want you

to look at each other

and say three things that

you like about each other.

Mike?

Can I go second?

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Uh, Amy?

Okay, uh, Mike, I like that

you gave me my children.

Uh, I like that you pick them

up from school sometimes.

It's actually

really helpful.

And, uh, I like that you

came to therapy today.

Okay, Mike. Your turn.

MIKE:
Okay.

I like your spaghetti.

And you make

pretty good calzone.

Was that three?

That was like one

and then 1A.

You know what? Um...

Let's try some role playing.

All right, Amy, I want you

to pretend to be Mike,

and Mike, I want you

to pretend to be Amy.

Okay? And now

I just want you to

just tell me

about your day.

(IN FALSETTO)

Hi, I'm Amy.

All I did today was, like,

rub lotion on my face

and talk, talk, talk, talk.

Okay. Uh...

Amy, would you like to...

Yes, I would!

Hey, I'm Mike.

Um...

My life is awesome

because my wife takes care of

everything in the world for me.

This is the problem!

Here's the bottom line!

She's a perfectionist.

So what's the point

of even trying, okay?

How is that a problem?

And she hasn't

given me a blowie

since my birthday

five years ago!

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Which is so not cool!

Hold on one second!

You want a blowie?

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