Bad Moms Page #8

Maybe if you cleaned the

kitchen, made the kids dinner,

cared for someone

other than yourself,

I would give you

so many blowies

your f***in'

dick would explode.

My dick would never explode

'cause it's indestructible.

Oh, my God, I can't deal with you!

I can't f***ing look at you.

I'm...

Mike, I...

I don't love you anymore.

I'm so sorry,

but I just don't.

I'm so sick and tired

of pretending like I do.

That is exactly how I feel.

Okay...

Remember when I said that

all marriages are savable?

Well, it ain't gonna

happen for you guys.

So what do you

think we should do?

Well, as a therapist, I'm not

allowed to tell you what to do,

but as a human being with two

f***in' eyes in my head,

yeah, I think you should get

divorced as soon as possible.

This is some

catastrophic sh*t.

I think it's for

the best.

Yeah. Me too.

Can I give you a hug?

Mike. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Mmm.

You gotta watch

out for you first.

Dale, why is there a

security guard in my office?

Hey, Amy, uh,

I'm so sorry,

but we're gonna have to

positively transition you.

Are you firing me?

Yuck. Okay, that's not my word.

I don't like that word.

But, yes,

I'm firing you.

Why?

Well, you quit

coming to the office.

Okay, maybe I've been slacking

off a little bit, but...

Tessa took two weeks off when Jon

Snow died on Game of Thrones,

and he's not

even a real person.

To be fair, we all took two

weeks off when Jon Snow died.

You're the only person that

didn't take two weeks off.

But as a token

of appreciation

for your six years

with the company,

I got you

a very special gift.

You got me

the four-ounce bag?

Couldn't even

splurge for the eight?

(SHRIEKS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What?

PRINCIPAL BURR:
Ms. Mitchell, this is

Principal Burr. We need you to come in.

Okay, okay.

I'll be right there,

and I'm very sorry, Principal,

for how I answered the phone.

I'm sorry.

You found what?

I found marijuana cigarettes

in your daughter's locker.

Now, it looks like Sour Diesel

or a little Afghan Kush.

That's impossible.

She's only 12.

It happens. Snoop been

smokin' since he was five.

Those aren't mine.

I mean, Mom, I swear to God,

they're not mine.

Baby, I believe you.

And why were you looking

in my locker anyway?

We were tipped off

by a concerned parent.

Wait a minute.

Was this concerned parent's

name Gwendolyn James?

Hey, listen, I don't know nothin'

about Gwendolyn James, all right?

That woman scares me.

What I do know is this school

is a zero-tolerance school,

so that means that

your daughter's banned

from all extra-curricular

activities.

What does that mean?

That means you're

off the soccer team.

What?

Oh, my God.

Hey, my hands were tied.

Honey, baby, hold on.

That little girl

rolls a real tight jay.

This is all your fault.

Why did you mess

with Gwendolyn James?

AMY:
Sweetie,

I am so sorry.

Honey, please,

I didn't mean for this.

Yes, you did

mean to, Mom!

You were sick of

being a mom, so you quit

and you started partying

with your weird,

new friends,

and blowing off work,

and, oh, yeah,

having sex with

Lori Harkness' dad.

So gross!

Honey, I know

that you're mad.

I get it.

You are so selfish, Mom.

You are so selfish and

it frigging sucks, okay?

Baby, I'm so sorry. Tell me,

how can I make this better?

No. I wanna stay

with Dad tonight.

Even he's a better

parent than you.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God.

Guys! Guys, guys.

Did you hear?

Amy Mitchell's daughter

got busted for drugs.

What? No way!

Yeah.

Look, I am not blaming Amy Mitchell.

I mean, my God, I would never...

Of course... ever

judge another mother,

but I think we really

have to ask ourselves,

do we want someone who is that

reckless and irresponsible

and mentally unhinged alcoholic

to be president of the PTA?

I don't know.

You know what? I never even liked her.

She looks foreign.

Oh, God.

Foreigners.

Listen. I think now

we just need to pray

that Amy's little crackhead

daughter gets the help she needs.

(INAUDIBLE)

Mike, if Janey

needs anything,

and I mean anything,

just please call me.

Babe, it's gonna be fine.

I'm staying at the Waldorf.

They got an indoor-outdoor

pool, room service,

18-hole golf course.

It's killer.

You're staying

at the Waldorf?

God, this is a divorce,

not a luxury vacation, Mike.

It's a safe hotel.

Wait, bye, angel! Have

so much fun with Daddy!

Can I get a hug?

No? Okay. Okay.

Oh, no, buddy, wait.

You're also going?

Dylan, you know

the hotel has TVs.

You don't have

to bring your own.

(ROSCOE WHINES)

Oh, Roscoe,

not you, too.

Oh, the Waldorf's

dog-friendly, so don't worry.

Yeah. So.

Mike, please go.

Yeah.

Bye, kids.

(SIGHS)

PRINCIPAL BURR:
Welcome to

the annual PTA election.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

We will start with

the candidates' statements,

and since only one

bothered to show up,

she will go first.

Gwendolyn,

you have five minutes.

Thank you.

I'll talk as long as I want.

(MAN SCREAMING

ON TV)

God, this movie's

depressing.

(KNOCKING) CARLA: Amy!

Amy, I'm sorry we're late.

Oh, my God!

It's Kiki's fault.

Sorry we're late, honey.

So sorry.

I had to pee.

What's happening?

Why aren't you ready?

What's going on?

What are you talking about?

What are you...

It's the PTA election.

Oh, my God, no. Sorry,

I'm not going to that.

What? Why not?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because my husband

left me, my kids left me.

My f***ing dog left me.

All the moms

in school hate me,

and I am a complete and

utter failure as a mother.

First of all, you are so

not a failure as a mother.

In fact, you're the best

mother that we've ever seen.

True that.

You give your

kids salad.

You remember your

kids' birthdays.

I mean, I sat here

and watched you wait

until your kid fell

asleep before you got high.

Most moms do that, Carla.

(WHISPERS)

That's most moms, yeah.

Well, whatever. This is the worst

thing I've ever seen you do.

You've quit trying.

We don't quit!

Moms don't quit!

No! Quitting

is for dads!

Uh...

Listen, no matter what

sh*t is thrown at us,

us moms, we have

to just...

We have to just keep going.

Mmm-hmm.

And do you know why?

Because we have

low self-esteem.

No. No, no.

It's because

we love our kids.

It's because we

love our stupid,

selfish, ungrateful,

little sh*t-faces!

That's why.

We love 'em so much

that we would do...

Literally anything

for them.

You guys,

I can't win the election.

Oh, my God!

Amy!

Amy! This is not

about the election.

Amy, sit up.

This is about

standing up to the b*tch

that hurt your

little girl!

Now, are you gonna sit here and let

Gwendolyn get away with this sh*t?

Don't do it, Amy.

F*** that!

F*** it!

You are gonna rise up like a

small, little white Apollo Creed

and you are gonna look at

Gwendolyn and you are gonna say,

"You can do what you want

to me, I don't care,

"throw it at me,

"but you f***ed

with my daughter,

"and now I have to

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