Bad Moms Page #9

fight you.

"I will fight you

in the playground.

"I will fight you

in the cafeteria.

"I will even fight you in the

parking lot of Trader Joe's.

"But I will have justice

for my little girl,

"because I am

a f***ing mom.

"And we protect

our young."

So get up off

this couch,

turn off

12 Years a Slave

and let's

body slam this b*tch.

KIKI:
Come on, Amy. Come on,

get those tits up.

Get 'em up.

Get 'em up.

Get your b*obs up.

Get those tits right up.

I'm gonna get my tits up.

Get your tits up!

They're getting up, you guys.

They're getting up.

I can see it. Guys, my

tits are gettin' up.

They're getting up. They're getting up.

That's it.

They are up!

(CARLA WHOOPING)

Go, go, go, go!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, my God.

I can't seem to locate

my safety belt back here.

This is a one-way street!

Move out of the way!

We're on our way to a PTA

meeting, motherfuckers!

Oh, my God,

there's a truck!

Truck! Truck! Truck!

Oh, my God!

(HONKING)

Oh, my God.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, sh*t. Oh, fun.

Kent is calling.

Hi, honey.

KENT:
Kiki.

(CRYING)

The kids are going insane.

I can't do this.

You gotta come home right now.

But I can't come home.

I'm going to the PTA

meeting with my friends.

No, no, no, no. I said

come home now, damn it!

And I said,

"I'm going to the f***ing PTA

meeting with my f***ing friends,"

so stop being such a goddamn

p*ssy and make it work!

Kiki. Kiki...

(SCREAMS)

That was very exciting.

How good did that feel?

That felt good, didn't it?

It's very exciting!

Yes!

It's very exciting!

(CARLA AND AMY WHOOPING)

And it is for that reason

and the 47 others

that I laid out

for you today

that I humbly

ask for your vote.

All right,

thank you, Gwendolyn.

Uh, well...

Sorry I'm late!

Actually, you're just in time to

give your candidate statement.

What's a candidate

statement?

KIKI:
Oh, I think

that's like a speech.

You got one of those, right, honey?

What are you talking about?

You don't have a speech?

(SOFTLY) Of course not!

It's all good.

She's got

a great speech.

AMY:
I'm not good at

this public speaking.

Hey, we're sitting here.

Move, move, sorry, move.

(EXHALES)

Okay.

Wow, there's a lot of you.

Introduce yourself.

Hi, I'm Amy Mitchell.

Good.

And I'm running

for PTA president.

(WOMAN COUGHING)

You're doing great.

Just 'cause

they're not responding

doesn't mean they think

you're terrible.

You know...

I know there's a lot of rumors

going around about my daughter.

(WOMEN MURMURING)

That's a bad place

to start.

And I'm guessing a lot of you

think that I'm a bad mom.

Yes.

No, no. No, you know what?

You're right.

Sometimes, I'm too

lenient with my kids.

Sometimes,

I'm too strict.

Well, we overestimated

her, obviously.

Sometimes, I'm so crazy

that I don't even

understand the words

that are coming

out of my mouth.

You see, what works for my daughter

almost never works for my son.

And whenever I think I'm actually

starting to figure my kids out,

they grow up

and I'm back to square one.

So, the truth is,

when it comes to being a mom,

(CHUCKLES)

I have no f***ing

clue what I'm doing.

(ALL LAUGH)

And you know what?

I don't think anyone does.

I think we're all bad

moms, and you know why?

Because being a mom

today is impossible!

I never doubted her.

I never doubted her.

She's doing great.

She's a natural.

So can we all just please stop

pretending like we have it figured out

and stop judging

each other for once?

Look, I'm running

for PTA president because...

Because I want our

school to be a place

where you can make mistakes,

where you can be yourself,

where you're being judged

on how hard you work

and not on what you bring

to the f***ing bake sale.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Yeah!

Yeah!

I want our school to be a place

where it's okay to be a bad mom.

Do you know

what I mean?

My kids haven't had

a bath in three weeks.

That's okay! Listen, we've all been there.

(ALL CLAPPING)

I confiscated my son's weed and

then I smoked the sh*t out of it!

(YELLS)

What's your number?

I give my kids a Benadryl

every Tuesday night

so I can watch The Voice.

(LAUGHS)

I can't tell

my twins apart!

I let my 7-year-old

watch Mad Max.

I drink margaritas

for breakfast.

I threw my son's

violin in the garbage.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Oh, honey,

we don't speak Spanish.

I like my nanny better

than I like my husband.

Wait, really?

(WOMEN GASP AND CHEER)

(WHOOPING)

Yeah, you do!

I don't even have kids!

I just come to PTA meetings

because I'm lonely.

CROWD:
Aw.

(APPLAUSE)

AMY:
Here's the thing.

If you're a perfect mom

who's got this whole

parenting thing figured out,

well, then, you should

probably vote for Gwendolyn,

'cause she's amazing.

Yes.

But if you're

a bad mom like me

and you have no f***ing clue

what you're doing,

or you're just sick of being

judged all the time...

Then please vote for me.

Thank you.

(LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding me?

Yes!

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Amy! Amy! Amy!

Look at that!

This is your PTA president!

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Amy! Amy! Amy!

Oh, mama.

I feel invigorated.

This is so great!

I still can't believe you won.

I know!

Oh, I'm so happy you guys

dragged me out of the house.

Oh, sweetheart, I didn't

doubt you for a second.

Oh, God, you know,

I forgot what it was

like to have

real friends,

like, true friends.

I know.

Before you guys, my only friend

was that lady on Google Maps.

(LAUGHS)

You're pretty much

the first b*tches

to ever talk to me

at this school, so...

I'm so happy we found

each other, you guys.

Me too.

Me three.

Let's hug for

a really long time.

Come on, bring it in.

Bring it in.

(KIKI LAUGHS)

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR

STEREO) (GWENDOLYN SOBBING)

Hey, will you guys

give me, like, a second?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, honey. Sure.

Okay.

Sure, take a minute.

Digest it.

Thanks.

What, did you come

to gloat? (SNIFFLES)

No. No, no, I'm just

seeing if you're okay.

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

I'm fine.

Okay. I don't wanna bother you.

No, I'm good.

It's just that the PTA

was the only good thing in my

life and now I've lost that, too.

Come on, Gwendolyn,

your life is awesome.

You have, like,

three boats.

I have four boats.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

But, no... (SCOFFS)

My life is so not awesome.

Gwendolyn, what could

possibly be wrong?

Oh, God.

Okay, well,

for starters...

(SNIFFLES)

My husband was just arrested

for embezzling

$100 million from

a children's charity.

(VOICE BREAKING)

And I have night terrors.

And I have to take Vicodin every 20

minutes, and I'm not even in any pain.

I'm just addicted

to them now.

I'm pretty sure

my brother-in-law

just joined ISIS,

and he's a Jew!

Oh, and also, my DVR just

stopped recording Castle.

Just out of nowhere.

Like, how the f***

does that even happen?

And I am the only thing

holding my family together,

so, yeah, it's awesome.

It's just awesome.

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