Bad Santa

Hey, can I get another drink|down here?

I've been to prison once.

I've been married twice.

I was once drafted by|Lyndon Johnson and had to live

in sh*t-ass Mexico for two|and a half years for no reason.

I've had my eye socket|punched in, a kidney taken out,

and I got a bone chip in my|ankle that's never gonna heal.

I've seen some pretty shitty|situations in my life.

But nothing has ever sucked|more ass than this.

If I'd known I was gonna have to|put up with screaming brats

pissing on my lap for 30 days|out of the year,

I would have killed myself|a long time ago.

Come to think of it,|I still might.

Where I come from,|we didn't celebrate Christmas.

Not because we were Jewish,|but because my dad

was a worthless-coward f***ing|a**hole whose idea of a present

was a daily punch|to the back of the head.

He did teach me|how to crack a safe, though.

My dad never did sh*t with his|life, so he took it out on me.

You could say I'm no different.|I'd have to say you were right.

But at this point,|it's too late to start over.

Funny how things work out.

It's f***ing hilarious.

There's Santa Claus.|Look there.

Wow.

Oh, my.|What a darling photo.

Are you certain you only want|the single?

Additional photos come in handy|as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa

or as a wonderful remembrance|for friends.

Gee.|You know what?

This one, I think it's more|than enough.

Thanks.|Merry Christmas.

So, what do you want,|little girl?

A drum set.

Oh, the old man will love that.

Okay. Fine.|See you later.

I saw you at another mall.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

You're not really Santa.

If you were Santa,|you could do magic.

You want to see some magic?

Here.|Let's watch you disappear.

Watch the bladder, kid.|Santa's got to pee.

-What do you want?|-A new bike.

Wow. That's a new one.|Excellent.

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be closing|in five minutes.

We hope tomorrow is|a pleasant Christmas.

Thank you for shopping with us.

-Is that it?|-Yeah, that's the last one.

Thank the f*** Christ.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.

You pissed yourself.

Aw, Jesus.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Hey, happy holidays.|All right.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Get home safe.

Yeah, okay.

I don't care what he says.

-We're going out for a beer.|-What the f***?

I'll get right back to you.

What the hell's wrong with you?|I'm trying to f***ing leave.

Pants are awful baggy.

You got anything in there?

Yeah. My dick.|You want to see it?

Keep pushing me.

I got my eyes on you.

All the time.

Ready.

Jesus.

-How's it going?|-I'm finished when I'm finished.

I'm going back upstairs.

I need a melon baller|and a loofah.

Got it.

F*** the loofah.|Let's go.

Marcus, you get the loofah?

Drive.

Oh!

jingle bell rock

in jingle bell time

Oh, I'm dizzy.|Put me down.

Hey, put me down.

Come on!|Put me down.

Oh, come on.

Oh, man.

Hey, baby, two more of these,|all right?

No.|That's it for me.

You can't drink worth a sh*t,|you know that?

I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.

Come on. One more.|It's a celebration.

Here's to you.

To have the blues

My baby's gone

You're getting worse,|you know that?

Well, at least I got it open.

It took you long enough.

I remember when you could unlock|a lock like it was nothing.

Yeah, well, you don't have to|worry about me anymore.

I'm out.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, my ass.

We just made $111,000|in one night.

Exactly. I figure I got enough|to go to Miami.

And do what?

I don't know. Sh*t.|Get a car.

Get a place, maybe.

Maybe start a business.|A bar out on the beach.

Something like that.

I could quit drinking|and run the place.

Maybe marry a waitress.

What?

You ain't gonna do sh*t|except go down there

and drink your f***ing ass off.

You're gonna piss|everything away

and end up counting the days|till next Christmas.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, it ain't gonna happen.

If I call you next December --

if I call you next December --

you're gonna be so happy|to hear from me

you're gonna do|a goddamn backflip.

You're gonna put|that Santa hat on so fast

that you're gonna get|f***ing hat-burn.

Can I get you guys two more?

No, thanks.|We're all right.

See?

I'm already on the wagon.

Hey. A**hole!

How many times|I got to tell you?

Get out from behind my bar!

Put the drink down right now.

Put the drink down right now!

Ahh.|F*** you.

-F*** me, huh?|-Right.

Oh. Hey!

Ow!

Get the f*** out of my bar.

F*** you!

You're f***ing crazy.

F***ing prick.

A**hole!

Get the f*** out of here|right now!

jolly Christmas

And in case you didn't hear

have a holly jolly --

F***ing sh*t!

F*** you!

F*** you!

F*** you!

Yeah, baby.

Hey, Tiffany, you want to play|"Hide the Nazi" one day?

God damn it.

Here you go, sweetie.

I got something|for your pretty ass.

-You do?|-Yeah.

Wow. $5.

Thanks.

I gotta listen to my messages,|and you need to take a shower.

I'm a dancer.|I sweat.

Yeah, well, you smell like|a bum's nut sac.

F*** you.

Message one.

Mr. Soke?

This is Andrew Kaplan again,|from the collection agency.

Message two.

This is Dolores Axelrod.

You ran into my car last week.

I called State Farm,

but they have no record|of any insurance policy for you.

In case you misplaced it,|my phone number is 4 --

Message three.

Willie, it's Marcus.|It's that time of year again.

Pack your sh*t.|Phoenix.

is frightful

is so delightful

to go

let it snow

of stopping

for popping

way down low

Let it snow, let it snow

Jesus Christ!

Can you maybe keep it together|for just 10 minutes?

Harrison, just let me explain,|please. Financially --

Well, you get what you paid for,|Chipeska.

Five Christmases I've been here.

You flip me for some stranger|who'll do it for peanuts

and who happens to work|with a real midget.

Nobody cares.|Nobody comes here for the elf.

Santa's the attraction.

I do Burl lves songs.

Does this schmo|even play guitar?

Look, Harrison, it's not about|the money or the midget.

Believe me, if it was, I --

I don't think they like|"midget."

I think you're supposed to|call them...

Oh, just forget it.

Hacks!

Hi.

Bob Chipeska.|Welcome.

Great photo and rsum,|by the way.

Thanks.

We've been at this|a long time and all.

We'd like to think we do|a good job.

I'm so glad you guys could|come in on such short notice.

I must say,|your look is just sensational.

Thanks.

We've been at this for years.|You got nothing to worry about.

You two are the best men|for this job, truly.

So don't let his unpleasantness|affect your performance.

-Oh, no. We're fine.|-Performance?

Yes. Uh, your performance.|You know, the, um...

Performance, like sexual?

-Excuse me?|-Willie.

Are you saying there's|something wrong with my gear?

Is that what you're saying?

-I'm sorry. Your gear?|-Willie.

My f*** stick.

Hey, Willie.|Take a seat.

You know how|your blood sugar is.

He's not going to say "f***|stick" in front of the children?

No, no, no.|It's a joke.

An adult joke for us adults.

It's a joke.|Just a joke.

"F*** stick"?

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