Bad Santa Page #2

Yes. I thought it was|very strange, too.

So, as our security chief,

I wanted you to be aware.

But his little friend promised|he wouldn't say it

in front of the children,|which is fine.

Because, you know,|there is an adult world

and a child's world,|and that's okay.

I'm no censor.

"Little friend"?

Yes, he happens to be a dwarf.

Or midget.

I don't know|what he's called exactly.

But, uh, he's a little guy.

Little Billy Barty.|God rest.

But thin fingers.

Not the fat sausage fingers.

"Little people."|That's what they like.

Yes. Uh, right.|Little people.

So "f*** stick."|That's it?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas!|Santa's coming. Yay!

Merry Christmas!|Santa's coming. Yay!

Merry Christmas!

Have you seen that new Santa|they just hired?

Yeah.|He's back there drunk.

He's coming, guys.|Santa will be here real soon.

God damn it!

What the f*** you doing?|You blow this, and we're broke.

So stop acting|like you know something.

'Cause, pal of mine,|you don't know squat!

Now, put on your hat|and get out there.

And try to act professional,|for Christ's sakes.

What do you want?

What?

Get out of here.

Next.

Next.

Oh, good.|What do you want?

What do you want?|What are you doing?

God damn it!

Nintendo Deer Hunter 3.

I don't give a sh*t|what you want.

Blowing snot all over everybody|and f***ing whatever.

Next.|Come on.

What do you want?

-Um, Santa?|-Yeah, I'm Santa.

Come on.|What do you want?

-Um, Barbie.|-Say cheese.

Okay. Fine.|Barbie.

Oh, thank you.

Ow! Watch the toenails, kid!|Sh*t.

Next.

Next!

What do you want?

Fraggle-Stick car.

What the f*** is that?

Fraggle-Stick car.

Well, I heard you.|Fraggle-Stick car. Fine.

Hey, check out this loser.

Hey, fat-ass.|How you doing today?

Hey, loser.

Hey, dipshit.

Moron.

Hey, loser.|How you doing today?

Dumb-ass,|why don't you turn around?

You know what?|F*** this.

You're next.

Next.

I said next, God damn it.|This is not the DMV, all right?

Move it along.

What's your name?|You can tell me.

I know.|How about Santa?

If you don't tell him,|you won't get a present.

That's right.

Come on and tell Santa|all about it.

What do you want?

Well, come on.|What do you want?

A snot-rag?

Great.|Another f***ing Mongoloid.

Marcus, get this kid off me|before he pisses on me.

Don't f*** with my beard.

It's not real.

No sh*t.

Well, it was real.

But, you see, I got sick|and all the hair fell out.

How did you get sick?

I loved a woman|who wasn't clean.

Mrs. Santa?

No.|It was her sister.

What's it like|at the North Pole?

Like the suburbs.

Which one?

Apache Junction.

What the f*** do you care?|Now, get off my lap.

You sit there|like a f***ing retard.

You are really Santa, right?

No.|I'm an accountant.

I wear this f***ing thing as|a fashion statement, all right?

Okay.

Get this kid out of here.|He's freaking me out.

I got to get a drink on.|I'll see you tomorrow.

Just don't come into work|stinking of booze again.

Yeah.|Why don't you get going?

You'll be late for your|"Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild.

Lollipop Guild, you a**hole.|Jesus!

Two-year-olds flip me sh*t|better than you.

You saying something to me?

Yeah. I'm gonna stick|my whole fist up your ass.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

in a one-horse open sleigh

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

in a one-horse open sleigh

in a one-horse open sleigh

laughing all the way

making spirits bright

What?

sing a sleighing song tonight

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Mmm.

Another Grand-Dad, Santa?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

Got a name?

Yeah.

So, what do you do, you know...

After the holidays, I mean.

Well, nothing till March,|and then I'm the Easter Bunny.

Oh. Another?

Yeah. Why not?

Merry Christmas.

Not a big talker.

No, not really.

-Buy you one?|-Why not?

Happy New Year.

You're pretty regular|for a Santa.

It's not that big|a f***ing deal.

It's just a job,|you know what I mean?

I'm an eating, drinking,|shitting, f***ing Santy Claus.

Prove it.

F*** me, Santa.|F*** me, Santa.

F*** me, Santa. F*** me, Santa.|F*** me, Santa. F*** me, Santa.

F*** me, Santa.|F*** me, Santa!

Can't I at least take|this hat off?

No. I love the hat.

Okay.

Whoo!

I've always had a thing|for Santa Claus.

In case you didn't notice.

It's like some deep-seated|childhood thing.

So is my thing for tits.

Yeah.|It is like that, though.

From when you're a kid.

'Cause my dad was Jewish,|and we didn't have Christmas.

So it was like|this forbidden thing.

So...

I like you.

Don't mothball that suit.

What the f***?

I am not gay.

-What the hell, buddy?|-Buddy?

I said I am not gay.

Are you off your f***ing meds|or something?

Yes.

But that isn't|what this is about.

You're as queer as a $10 bill.

Let me tell you something,|motherf***er.

My brother lost a goddamn arm|fighting you f***ers in Vietnam.

So I want you to look at my face|one last f***ing time.

This is the last thing you're|ever gonna see before I --

Elf f***er!

-Motherf***er!|-Turn around, elf f***er.

Who's the b*tch now,|Santy Claus? Huh?

Faggy Claus!|Faggy!

Leave Santa alone!

Little boy, don't interfere.|I am doing this for all of us.

Leave Santa alone!

Ass clown.

Hey, you're that kid.

What the f*** are you|doing here?

This one f***ing time|I take you home, okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm not your f***ing dada.

Uh-huh.

It's not like you helped me|with that nutjob or anything.

-Uh-huh.|-You're the right height.

You're right there|to grab his balls.

-You could twist them.|-Why do you need a car?

-What?|-This car.

Which turn is it?

Sage Terrace.|Where's your sleigh?

It's in the shop,|getting repaired.

-Where are the reindeer?|-I stabled them.

Is it left or right?

That way.

Where's the stable?

-Next to the shop.|-How do they sleep?

Who? The reindeer?|Standing up.

But the noise.|How do they sleep?

-What noise?|-From the shop.

They only work during the day,|all right?

I thought it was always night|at the North Pole.

Well, not now.|Right now it's always day.

Then how do they sleep?

-Oh, sh*t. Sage Terrace.

What is it with you? Somebody|drop you on your f***ing head?

On my head?

Are they gonna drop you|on somebody else's head?

How can they drop me|onto my own head?

No, not onto your...|Would...

God damn it!|Are you f***ing with me?

Okay.|Which house is it?

That one.

With Jesus and his family|there or what?

No.|The one beside that.

-Right here?|-Yeah. That one.

All right.

Nice digs.

Is Daddy home?

He's on an adventure,|exploring mountains.

He's been gone a long time.

Exploring mountains, huh?|How long is he gonna be gone?

Till next year.

Yeah?|What about Mommy?

She lives in God's house with|Jesus and Mary and the ghost

and the long-eared donkey and|Joseph and the talking walnut.

Well, who the f*** takes care|of you, then?

Grandma.

Yeah?|What's her name?

Grandma.

Is Granny spry?

Everybody!

D-O-L-E, Dole

Banana shuffle

Grandma? Grandma?

Santa's here.

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