Bad Santa Page #3

Oh, Roger.|You're home.

Are you spry?

Let me fix you some sandwiches.

Are you telling me|she's the only one here?

Nobody else?

No aunts or cousins or uncles|or anything like that?

A butler or security guard|or something?

Nuh-unh.

You're shitting me.

Does your daddy have a safe?

Need money to fix your sleigh?

Exactly.

You want milk and cookies?

No.

Should I fix you|some sandwiches?

Unh-unh.

Does your daddy have a car?

Bye, Santa!

of little Nell

fill it well

Oh, my!

Keep going.|-Jesus!

Ohh!

Oh, God!

Ooh!

Oh, Zena!|Oh, Mary!

Keep it going.

Jesus Christ!

Yeah, baby.|Yeah, baby.

You ain't gonna|sh*t right for a week.

Oh!

-Yeah, buddy!|-Yeah!

-Whoo!

It won't happen again.|I can promise you that.

Willie here has low blood sugar.|That's all.

That's right.|I forgot to take my pill.

It's not just the swearing.

Um...

Forgive me for prying.

But did one of you, um...

fornicate...

Fornicate?

Yes, with a heavyset woman|in the Big & Tall dressing room.

Look, I've boned a lot|of fat chicks in my time, sure.

But as far as I can recall,|I've never fornicated anybody.

Yes, well, even still,

I think it's best for|all parties considered if we --

If we what?

Well, I have someone else|interested in the position.

Before you do something stupid,

you may want to think|about this sh*t.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about firing|a little black midget.

A colored, African-American|small person.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about your face|all over goddamn "USA Today."

I'm talking about 150|of these little motherfuckers

all over the sidewalk out there.

Little picket signs,|chanting and raving.

Using little bullhorns|and sh*t like that.

Screaming and hollering|your name out.

Unfair practices.|Get me?

No. No, no.|This is not a handicap thing.

I have nothing|against you people.

"You people"?

Did you hear that, Marcus?|He said, "You people."

Who the hell is "us people"?

Wait. Wait.|No, no.

I -- You don't under--|What?

He...|No, no.

Um, you know, I think it's best

if we just forget we had|this conversation.

Okay.

Good thinking.

And don't worry about us.|We'll be fine.

Let's get the hell|out of here, Marcus.

You're pathetic.

I dig that little thing|on your belly button.

What's that?|Like a diamond?

It's a belly-button ring.

Oh, yeah?|Hang on a second.

Check this out.

You got to thrust.|See what I'm saying?

You gotta move the ball around.|You go up there, baby.

Come on.

See? Move the ball.|There you go.

Motherf***er!

Oh, you lousy, f***ing|motherf***er.

That's the sh*t|that's gonna get us pinched.

She said she was 18.

But you promised no arcades.

You said you'd only hustle|Big & Tall.

You shat me out of your womb?|You're my f***ing mom now?

I don't need|any goddamn lectures.

I know how to keep|a low profile. Thank you.

What the f*** is this,|Mr. Low Profile?

Mind your own goddamn business.

Ever hear of|the open bottle law?

A couple of days ago, I was in,|uh, Women's Big & Tall.

And I heard these...

Um, you know, these noises.

And I heard a woman screaming,|"Yeah. Oh, yeah."

And I heard his voice saying,|"That's right.

You ain't going to S-H-I-T|right for a month."

But don't get me wrong.

I was against|the Clinton impeachment.

What a man does|with his own penis --

Oval Office,|Women's Big & Tall --

it's not for|the American people to say.

Yeah, right.

But when you're dealing|with children...

They have a tender sensibility.

And you are in a position|of trust.

I think perhaps someone who has|screaming orgasms

with large women shouldn't...

Yeah.

Of course,|I can't fire him for that.

Oh, yeah.|Unfair practices.

Special pleading.|B*tch, b*tch, b*tch.

F***ing broads.

But I just can't help it.

There's something about the guy|that makes me uneasy.

Well, sure.

Santa f***ing someone|in the ass.

-So...

Maybe there's something|I could fire him for.

Yeah, I get you.

Do you?

Do you think|you could find something?

Sh*t, yeah.|There's always something.

Sh*t.

Hey, Opal.|Come here.

Unh-unh.

Screw you, Willie,|your kinky ass.

Last time I didn't sh*t right|for a week.

No, it's not that.|I need to talk to you.

I'm just tired of you, Willie.

Ooh.

Who the f*** is in my room?

Did you see somebody|go in my room?

Yeah.|Some guy asking about you.

Looked like a cop.

Oh, sh*t.

Marcus, it's Willie.

I just got back to the motel.

Some guy is nosing around|in my room.

What guy?|You get a look at him?

No.|But I think he's a cop, though.

Think somebody's onto us?

Is there anything in the room?|Anything professional?

No, I just got clothes in there.

Just ditch, you idiot.

You got anywhere to sack out|for a while?

-Santa!|-Yeah.

You're bringing|my present early?

No.

But I never told you|what I wanted.

I said I didn't bring it,|dipshit.

Okay. Good.

I want a stuffed elephant.|A pink one.

Wish in one hand,|sh*t in the other one.

See which one fills up first.

Okay.

So I'm gonna be staying here|for a while.

Things are all f***ed up|at the North Pole.

Mrs. Santa caught me|f***ing her sister.

And I'm out on my ass now.

She got half of everything.

This is gonna be cool.

This will do fine.

So I'm gonna be crashing here.

It will be just you and me,|like roommates, you know?

Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?

No.|Thank the f*** Christ.

What about the elves?

Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa.

I get them on the weekends.

Why don't you go run me a bath?

What about the reindeer?

Would you please shut up|about reindeer?

What are their names?

Who?

The elves.

Oh, sh*t.|I can't remember.

I think one of them is Sneezy.|There's a Dopey.

That's the Seven Dwarfs.

Oh, you're shitting me.

I thought...|I was thinking it was the...

I don't know.|F***, kid.

I just call them, "bub."

I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief"|or whatever the f***.

I tell him to make|the goddamn toy.

What the f*** is wrong|with you?

I can't remember this sh*t!

Does everything with you|have to be a f***ing test?

How old are they?

You want cookies?

No.

Warm milk?

No.

Should I fix you|some sandwiches?

I don't want|any f***ing sandwiches.

What is it with you|and fixing f***ing sandwiches?

Okay.|Do you want anything else?

No.

Okay.

Santa?

What?

I brought you some orange juice.

What's in it?

Oranges.

Look what I have.

An Advent calendar.

What the hell is that?

It's the story of Christmas,|but in a calendar.

Every day you peel open|a new box.

You get part of the story.

And then there's|a chocolate inside.

Do you want to open up|today's box and read it?

No.|You go ahead.

Jesus Christ, kid.|Watch the nuts.

"So Joseph went up from|the town of Nazareth in Galilee

to Judea, to Bethlehem,|the town of David.

In those days Caesar Augustus|issued a decree

that a census should be taken|of the entire Roman world.

Everyone went to his hometown|to register."

-That it?|-Yep.

That's an awesome|f***ing story, kid.

There's more to it, but we|have to wait till tomorrow.

Do you want to eat|the chocolate?

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