Bad Santa Page #7

Store dick don't want sh*t.

He's dead, huh?

I didn't even know he was sick.

Willie...

this has been|a long time coming.

Every year, you're worse.|Every year, less reliable.

More booze.|More bullshit.

More buttfucking.

Sure, the three B's.

You gotta be able to rely,|Willie.

You people are monsters.

There's no joy in this for me.

I'm not talking about|you taking me out.

That part, I get.

But look at all that sh*t.

Do you really need|all that sh*t?

For Christ sakes,|it's Christmas.

It is Christmas, Willie.

But this is what we do.

We get the sh*t.

Christmastime, we get the sh*t.

Because we are men and Lois.

It is Christmas, Willie.

And we are men and Lois.

What you waiting for, honey?

Come on, plug him.

Goodbye, Willie.

-Drop the gun.|-Huh?!

And you, Santa,|drop the elephant.

-Where did you come from?|-Tipped off.

Sh*t, that f***ing kid.

All three of you are in so much|sh*t, it's almost unbelievable.

Marcus, hop on!

F*** me.

Hey, hey!

This is Christmas, and the kid's|getting his f***ing present.

Halt, police!|Put your hands up!

I said freeze!|Freeze!

-Aaaah!|-Aaaah!

"Dear kid...

I hope that you got my present

and that there wasn't|too much blood on it,

although there was blood|on the present you gave me,

which didn't keep me|from enjoying it.

So maybe the blood doesn't|matter so much, I guess. "

"Anyway, just in case|they took it as evidence,

I'm also sending you a T-shirt.

I hope it's the right size. "

"I'm healing up good,

and they tell me|that I will soon be 100%,

even with 8 bullets|dug out of me,

because they didn't hit|any vital organs,

just my liver,|which is f***ed anyway.

Ha ha ha.

Thank you for giving|that letter to the cops.

I forgot I asked you to do it,|but it's a good thing you did

or Santa's little helper|would've plugged his ass.

Now the cops know I wrote it,

which is gonna keep my ass|out of jail.

That, plus everyone agreeing

that the Phoenix police|shooting an unarmed Santa

was even more f***ed up|than Rodney King. "

"The cops are treating me|like f***ing royalty now,

which is new in my experience.

They're gonna make me|a sensitivity counselor

so that tragedies like this

will never again embarrass|the whole f***ing department.

I told the cops you had no one|to take the f*** care of you,

so they set it up|with Mrs. Santa's sister

watching you|till your dad gets back

in one year and three months.

They made her a guardian|pro tem or some such sh*t.

Anyway, she seems to like you|and your house and Jacuzzi.

I sent her some money,

so if you play|your cards right,

you can probably get her|to buy you something.

As for my little helper,|I'm sorry to have to tell you

that him and his|prune-faced, mail-order wife

are gonna be exploring|mountains with your dad.

I hope your dad doesn't go|sucking sh*t from them

like I did.

They're supposed to let me|out of this hospital room soon,

so get some sandwiches ready.

Until then, don't take|no sh*t from nobody,

least of all yourself.

Ho ho ho.

Your pal, Santa. "

Hey, loser.

I hear your buddy's not here|to protect you anymore.

See you got me a new bike.

Thanks a lot.

I'm talking to you, fat-ass!

Aaah!

And it wouldn't be Christmas|without you

Can't fool me,|I know it's true

Merry Christmas,|merry la la la

And it wouldn't be Christmas|without you

Can't fool me,|I know it's true

Merry Christmas,|merry la la la

Making my friends|out of snow

It's Christmas,|and I'm all alone

But it won't bring me down

'Cause Christmas cheer|is all around

And it wouldn't be Christmas|without you

Can't fool me,|I know it's true

Merry Christmas,|merry la la la

And it wouldn't be Christmas|without you

Can't fool me,|I know it's true

Merry Christmas,|merry la la la

Santa Claus is flying high|across the frosty winter sky

I'm gonna find him|and my toys

He's in a band|that just makes noise

And it wouldn't be Christmas|without you

Can't fool me,|I know it's true

Merry Christmas,|merry la la la

And it wouldn't be Christmas|without you

Can't fool me,|I know it's true

Merry Christmas,|merry la la la

Christmas

The snow's coming down

Christmas

I'm watching it fall

Christmas

Watching the people around

Christmas

Baby, please come home

They're singing|"Deck the Halls"

But it's not like|Christmas at all

I remember|when you were here

And all the fun|we had last year

- Baby, please come home|- Christmas

- Ohhhhh|- Christmas

- Baby, please come home|- Christmas

- Baby|- Christmas

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