Ball of Fire Page #3

"A. From swallowing a needle.

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"B. From snake bite.

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"C. From hiccups."

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That's my province. I cover history.

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The correct answer is "B."

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Cleopatra, queen of Egypt,

daughter of Ptolemy Xlll, born 69 BC,

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killed herself

on the 29th day of August, 30 BC,

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by placing an asp to her bosom.

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- A what?

- An asp.

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A small snake.

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Well, patch my pantywaist.

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Well, well, next.

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"Which way would you say it?

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"Two and two is five.

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"Two and two are five.

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"Two and two makes five."

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Professor Potts covers English.

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- Did you hear the question, Potts?

- I did.

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As the verb

is always governed by the subject,

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the correct answer is,

"Two and two are five."

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- Potts.

- Oh, no, Potts.

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Correct for a grammarian perhaps,

but not for a mathematician.

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Two and two are four.

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(ALL CHUCKLING)

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That's a good one.

Nobody's gonna get that.

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Well, I certainly am obliged.

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I could use a bundle of scratch right now

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on account of I met me a mouse last week.

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- Mouse?

- What a pair of gams.

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A little in, a little out,

and a little more out...

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I am still completely mystified.

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Well, with this dish on me hands

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and them giving away 25 smackaroos

on that quizzola.

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- Smackaroos?

- Smackaroos? What are smackaroos?

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- A smackaroo is a...

- No such word exists.

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Oh, it don't? A smackaroo is a dollar, pal.

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Well, the accepted vulgarism

for a dollar is a buck.

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The accepted vulgarism

for a smackaroo is a dollar.

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That goes for a banger, a fish,

a buck or a rug.

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Well, what about the mouse?

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The mouse is the dish.

That's what I need the moolah for.

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- Moolah?

- Yeah, the dough.

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We'll be stepping. Me and this smooch...

I mean, the dish,

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I mean, the mouse. You know,

hit the jiggles for a little rum boogie.

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Please, please, not so fast.

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Brother, we're going to have

some hoytoytoy.

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- Hoytoytoy?

- Hoytoytoy?

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Yeah, and if you want that one explained,

you go ask your papas.

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(HORN HONKING)

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That's Archie. His water's getting hot.

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Well, thanks again, gents.

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And if you ever want to get into

a contest sometime,

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just call on me.

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Maybe you've got the brains,

but I got the box covers.

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- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, come again.

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Well, kind of a breezy fellow, isn't he?

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- Yeah.

- Yeah.

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- He seems a most likeable gentleman.

- Yes.

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And I'm an idiot.

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- Idiot? Why?

- Why?

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Miss Bragg. Miss Bragg!

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- What's the matter, Potts?

- Well, what's...

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- I'm going out.

- PROFESSORS:
Going out?

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What's your prognosis

on the weather, Gurkakoff?

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- Light showers toward the evening, but...

- Yes, Professor Potts?

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Miss Bragg, my hat and my mackintosh.

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And put my luncheon sandwich

in the pocket.

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- But...

- Immediately.

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- Yes, sir.

- What's happened?

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What do you mean

you're going out, Potts?

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- Where are you going?

- Research.

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Research? What research?

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- The garbage man. Didn't you hear him?

- Yes.

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Well, I didn't quite understand all he said.

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Nor did I. And it's catastrophic, gentlemen,

catastrophic.

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- Why?

- How so?

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I've just finished my article on slang.

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Twenty-three pages compiled

from a dozen reference books.

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- Eight hundred examples.

- Well?

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Everything

from the idiotic combination "absotively"

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to the pejorative use of "zigzag."

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I traced the evolution of "hunky dory,"

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tracked down "skiddo" from "skedaddle."

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Eight hundred examples and I may as well

throw it in the waste basket.

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- Three weeks' work.

- Potts, you're hysterical.

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Outmoded.

Based on reference books 20 years old.

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Take "smooch." Take "dish." Take...

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- Hoytoytoy?

- Hoytoytoy. Not one of them included.

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Living in this house cut off from the world,

I've lost touch.

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And it's inexcusable.

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That man talked a living language.

I embalmed some dead phrases.

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- But where are you going?

- Out to collect new data,

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to tap the sources of slang,

the major sources.

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