Balls of Fury

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR :

1936, Jesse Owens.

1960, Cassius Clay.

And now in 1988,

the name on everyone's lips,

US table tennis champion,

Randy Daytona.

You've seen him

in Sports Illustrated, on

the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box.

You may even already own

his McDonald's

collector's glass.

NEWS REPORTER :

The golden boy

who iced Iceland in round one,

and checked off Czechoslovakia

in round two.

So why don't

we take a moment to meet

the real Randy Daytona?

Here he is showing us

his skills with

his lucky Def Leppard paddle

that's won him

over 200 amateur matches.

With him, as always, his coach

and father, Sergeant Pete

Daytona, of the US Marines.

Randy,

you're only 12 years old,

and already they're saying

that your name

will go down among those

of the greatest

Ping-Pong players

ever to take up the sport.

And right offhand,

I don't know

what those names are.

Randy,

the eyes of all America,

and indeed the entire world,

will be on you tonight.

(FANS CHEERING)

USA! USA! USA!

2.:
45 am. The moment

you've all been waiting for.

The men's table tennis

semifinals.

Tiny balls, bouncing for gold.

(CROWD CHEERING)

USA! USA! USA!

Now, presenting

the United States of America,

Randy Daytona!

ANNOUNCER :

Here he is,

entering to his unofficial

theme song, Rock of Ages,

by the super group

Def Leppard.

I love you, Randy!

Hey, big guy,

I just want to make sure

you're ready.

Have you seen my dad?

No.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Where were you?

You think I'd miss this?

You didn't put money on this,

did you?

Dad, you promised.

Try not to think about it,

okay?

Now, presenting East Germany,

Karl Wolfschtagg!

Deutschland! Deutschland!

Deutschland! Deutschland!

May the best man win, huh?

I will destroy him!

Beat that Kraut!

ANNOUNCER :

Breathtaking intensity

surrounds the table

as Daytona and Manslaughter

fire away at each other.

Daytona's in the groove.

Both men distancing themselves

from the table now.

There's a high elevation lob.

Tremendous accuracy.

And a smash by Manslaughter.

And Randy Daytona

makes the save.

One more smash!

And now Daytona goes back.

Farther back!

Back!

And the crowd rises

in anticipation!

He stretches.

Look out!

Sh*t!

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Randy? Randy? You okay?

Randy? Randy?

Randy Daytona,

unable to finish.

Match forfeit to East Germany.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(BOOING)

Randy?

I'm going to Disneyland!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Come on, guys.

Can't we talk about this?

Mr. Feng does not

extend credit.

Gentlemen, time is money.

Chop-chop.

Jesus!

NEWS REPORTER :

Well, that's the way the

cookie crumbles here in Korea.

As Reno's golden boy

was humiliated

in the semifinals,

and if he lives to be 100,

he'll never live down

that Disneyland line.

If he returns to America,

a life of shame.

MAN :
(SINGING)

Two tickets to paradise!

Won't you pack your bags?

We'll leave tonight

I got...

Two tickets to paradise!

I got...

Two tickets to paradise!

Let's go to heaven

Yeah! Thank you!

Take a bow, honey.

There she is!

All right,

let's keep the love going

for our very next act,

The Peppermill's

very own Ping-Pong wizard...

Randy Daytona!

Randy Daytona!

Come on, let's bring him out.

How's everybody feeling

this afternoon?

All right!

(CROWD CLAPPING)

I don't want to work.

I just want to bang

on these drums

all day long. Am I right?

Hey!

Thank you!

(FARTS)

Hey, a volunteer!

How you doing, buddy?

I was just going

for more Cheese 'n Mac.

Stop!

Thank you!

(GLASS BREAKING)

(SCREAMING)

We're in the biz

to bring the bewonderment

of live theater

to these people,

so they will stay

for the loosest slots

on The Strip.

Not to give them

a heart attack, Randy!

Sorry, Rick.

It will never happen again.

I know because you're fired.

Get your stink out

of my theater.

Sorry, Randy.

But some agent

was looking for you backstage.

Maybe he missed the show.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(SIGHS IN DESPAIR)

Thank you, Bethany.

My name's Sarah.

Are you kidding me?

Uh-uh.

You've called me Bethany

for the past five years.

It's fine.

Mr. Daytona?

Yeah.

Ernie Rodriguez, FBI.

Oh, God! I didn't mean

to hurt that guy!

How could I know that

he had a bad heart?

That's not why I'm here.

Hey, actually, I thought

that was part of the show.

Till the paramedics showed up,

I was laughing my ass off.

Well, am I in

some kind of trouble or...

No.

I came to ask you

for your help.

The FBI needs you to take part

in a top-secret mission.

One that calls for a man

of your unique skills.

I'm not joking, man.

I'm FBI. I swear.

Come on, man.

You got a hidden camera

on you, right?

Cut it out.

You're not allowed to do that.

Fake gun and everything.

(GUN FIRING)

Now why don't you put on

some big boy pants

and we'll go for a ride.

(PROJECTOR SHUTTERING)

ERNIE:

The man with the umbrella

is our target.

I think you'll want

to help us catch him, Randy.

His name is Mr. Feng.

Mr. Feng?

That's the guy

that killed my father.

I know.

His face

has never been photographed.

This sketch is based

on the description

by a late agent of the ATF.

Wait a minute,

this guy looks like...

George Takei? Mr. Sulu?

I know. It's not, though.

We checked him out.

ERNIE:

We have reason to believe

he's about to make

some kind of a major shipment

into the US.

And what, man?

What do you want me

to do about it?

What you were born to do.

You see, Randy,

Feng is a Ping-Pong fanatic.

He played for the Chinese

when he was a kid.

Now every five years

he brings the best to him.

A high-stakes tournament,

at a secret location.

Invitation only.

His men go to tournaments

all over the world,

searching for

the best of the best.

You see that gold paddle?

That's the invitation.

You, Randy,

you're our ticket in.

I'm not a spy, man.

Look, you don't have

to do anything

but play Ping-Pong, man.

You go to a few tournaments

and do your stuff.

If you're as good

as you used to be,

I'm sure

you'll get an invitation.

Look, this year Feng's

invited a who's who

of the international

most wanted list.

Randy, something big's

going down.

Here's the thing.

You're bananas.

I do matinee shows.

I get introduced

by a cockatoo.

Mr. Daytona,

you're the only one

who can lead us to Feng.

I've been authorized

to offer you

anything in the government's

power if you help us out.

You don't get it, do you, man?

I don't compete anymore!

Okay?

Maybe I never should have.

(SIGHS WEARILY)

Caucasians.

Hey, Dad. I'm sorry

I haven't been around

in awhile.

And again, I'm sorry about

abbreviating your dates

on the headstone.

(SIGHS IN DESPAIR)

The numbers were, like,

apostrophes were free so...

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

(SIGHS IN DISBELIEF)

Excuse me?

Excuse me!

The new slide's

a little close, isn't it?

What are you gonna do?

They sold the air rights

to the cemetery.

They sold the air rights

to a cemetery?

It's a pretty okay

water slide, though.

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