Balls of Fury Page #2

It's called Eerie Canals.

I guess it's a theme

that it's haunted. Something.

Look out!

All right. I'm in.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS ADORINGLY)

I love that smell.

Good to be back

on the circuit again, huh?

I meant pancakes.

I love the smell of pancakes.

Okay, you're not here

to have fun.

All right? You're here to win.

Get your head in the game.

What, do you think Feng

is gonna have scouts here?

No, but you got to win here

to get to State.

You are gonna win, right?

I can take these punks.

All right, first up

we have Andy...

(STUTTERING)

Randy Daytona

versus our four-time

Western Conference Champion,

The Hammer.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

I don't know what the hell

he's talking about.

I'm still trying to figure out

if it's a dude or a chick.

(INHALING)

(EXHALING)

No mercy, Randy.

Have your grandma

pull the car around.

(BELL RINGING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Can you dig it?

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMNG IN CONCERN)

(EXCLAIMING DELIGHTEDLY)

(MOCKING)

Tastes good.

I told you I was rusty.

I haven't competed

in 19 years.

Why don't you cut me

some slack, man?

I need some time to warm up.

Time we don't have.

Feng's tournament's

in two weeks.

Man, I got to get you

in shape.

(AMBULANCE SIREN)

ERNIE:

We're here.

The world's greatest

Ping-Pong instructor

owns a takeout restaurant?

Don't hate.

The school's upstairs.

This guy's blind,

so let me do the talking.

Wong won't train just anybody.

And he never trains gweilo.

Who?

Gweilo.

It means "round eye."

Gringo. You, man.

He only takes

Chinese students.

Damn, bro.

Hey...

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

You okay, dude?

Get out!

Get out.

I don't teach gweilo.

How did you know that

we were gweilo?

Same way that I can tell

you are 30 years old.

Too old to start training.

(EXCLAIMING TRIUMPHANTLY)

Pudgy.

You are filled

with self-doubt.

(SNIFFING)

And you use Lady Speed Stick.

It was on sale.

Feng was my most gifted pupil.

He played table tennis

like the devil

in short shorts.

But he had expensive taste.

He began to steal and extort.

Turning my school

of table tennis

into a den of thieves.

And when I cast him out,

he joined the Triad.

He lured my brother Le Ping

in with him.

And when Le Ping tried

to go straight, he killed him.

Le Ping's daughter

was left fatherless.

If you help Randy and me

get to Feng's, we'll nail him.

I give you my word.

I will help you,

secret agent man.

You will start training

tomorrow, Randy.

Bring only your strength,

your honor

and a check for $300.

Hey, secret agent man.

I tell you something

right now, the truth.

Your boy will not pull it off.

We need a natural.

Something I can work with.

You know what I mean.

(SCREAMING)

Dude!

What?

What did I miss?

Well, if it isn't

the infamous Randy Daytona.

How was Disneyland?

Did you meet Dumbo?

Is it always this crowded?

Only when I'm not teaching.

WONG:

That's my niece,

Maggie Wong Mei Fei.

She brings her father,

Le Ping, great honor.

(PHONE RINGING)

Wong's Mu Shu Palace,

how can I help you?

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

WONG:

She will be the one

who will be giving you

hands-on training.

Gives "wax off"

a whole new meaning.

(GRUNTING)

Rule one, gweilo.

No touching my niece.

Understand?

Yeah, I understand.

(SIGHS IN PAIN)

(CROWD CLAPPING)

What?

Table jockey.

Let them work it out, man.

Let them work it out.

What does she weigh?

Like, 40 pounds?

Come on, man.

They're gonna kick your ass!

Who wants to... Oh.

(SCREAMING)

Maggie!

Your temper brings dishonor

to my Happy Mu Shu Palace.

You'll be sorry, Wong!

And teaching gweilo

is forbidden. You know that!

I'll tell the elders.

You will have

to face the Dragon.

Let me tell you

what you can tell the Dragon.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

(SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

Now, gweilo, we begin.

Ping-Pong is not

the Macarena.

It takes patience.

She is like a fine,

well-aged prostitute.

It takes years

to learn her tricks.

(LAUGHING)

She is cruel.

Laughs at you

when you are naked.

(LAUGHING)

But you keep coming back

for more and more.

Why?

Because she is the

only prostitute I can afford.

(SIGHS RUEFULLY)

Gweilo, give me your paddle.

Here.

Now, for the time being,

you will practice with this.

(DERIDING)

What, are you crazy?

It's impossible, man.

Nobody can do that.

That was nice.

All right.

(SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

Come on.

One more time.

Come on.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

Do I have to eat that?

To strengthen the body

and not the mind

is to build a temple

on shifting sand.

In my hand I hold a cricket.

What'd you do that for?

Don't take the cricket

from my hand.

Who the hell said,

"Take the cricket

from my hand"?

I just...

Put it back.

That is my lucky cricket.

Oh.

Well, he just...

He flew out of my hand, man.

You squished him?

No.

You squished lucky cricket?

No.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Thanks a lot, kid!

So, Maggie,

what do you do

when you're not here?

So sorry,

don't speak English.

But didn't I hear

you speak English

on the phone yesterday?

No, you must be mistaken,

because I don't speak

any English.

I'm just trying

to get better acquainted.

I know what you're trying

to get, table jockey.

For as long as I can remember,

guys have been in here

with their hands all over me,

with your stupid come-ons.

"Give me a hand

with my balls, Maggie."

Let me guess.

You're not around girls much

or you probably wouldn't

play Ping-Pong, right?

Yeah, well,

I thought that your dad

played Ping-Pong.

Do not compare yourself

to my father.

My father was a great man.

I'm not. It's just a game.

It's not just a game!

It is a proud tradition

my family have devoted

their lives to!

You treat that tradition

like a joke.

Uncle says you have no honor.

I say you have no shot.

So turn off the charm,

table jockey.

(MOANING)

Oh, God.

WONG:

You need to build

wrist strength.

Eye-hand coordination.

Endurance.

(FLIES BUZZING)

Oh, come on!

You got me hitting balls

with spoons.

I'm swatting flies, now?

You not hit flies.

You hit bees.

What?

Come on!

(BEES BUZZING)

Oh, sh*t!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, sh*t!

(CRYING)

You are halfway

through your training.

Now comes the difficult part.

The backhand.

You must believe in yourself

when no one else does.

Like right now,

for instance.

What?

What do you mean

I hit the net?

Dad!

Freeze!

Hands on your head!

Oh, that's right, man.

I'm in Chinatown.

I'm sorry, man.

(GASPING)

Want to pop off

a couple of rounds?

Always makes me feel better.

Listen to me.

Are you a real,

fully-licensed FBI guy?

I'm serious, man.

I mean, why...

You know, why would

a real FBI guy

take on a mission like this?

Nobody else would

be caught dead

on Operation Ping-Pong.

All right, they don't expect

us to catch Feng.

They got 20 agents

working other angles, man.

I'm the backup plan.

Look, I joined the company

for action, man.

You know, car chases,

hang-gliding,

James Bond stuff.

Drinking martinis,

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