Balls of Fury Page #3

saving girls from danger.

I haven't gotten

to wear a tuxedo

since my goddaughter Martha's

quinceanera, man.

For the last five years,

I've been at a desk, typing.

I'm up to 70 words a minute.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Maggie, is that you?

Slow down.

Slow down in English.

(ALARM RINGING)

What happened?

"Teaching outsiders

is forbidden."

We've defied the elders,

now they're shutting us down.

They have

forbidden me to teach

in Chinatown, forever.

Well, don't worry.

The FBI's gonna find out

who did this.

We know who did it.

It is written right there.

No, no, no, no. No FBI.

We will settle this

in our own way.

Gweilo, only

you can restore our honor.

You must go to the elders.

You must face the Dragon.

Okay, well, time out.

We don't have time

for some ancient Chinese

pissing contest.

Feng's match is coming up.

And if we want Feng's scouts

to see Randy

win some trophies,

we got to get him out

to some tournaments.

Foolish secret agent man.

Real Ping-Pong

is not played for trophies.

It is played in the shadows,

in dark alleys and backrooms

for hard cash

and cheap, ugly women.

If gweilo beats the Dragon,

it will reach Feng's ears,

I assure you.

We're here.

The lair of the Dragon.

From here we go alone.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Good luck, kid.

Thanks, man.

Randy, wait.

Yeah?

I want you to have this.

It belonged to my father.

Whoa.

Maggie, I can't take this.

He'd have wanted you

to have it.

Take it, you are ready.

It has defeated many enemies.

Good luck, Randy.

Thanks.

Come, gweilo.

The Dragon is the most

feared table tennis player

in all Chinatown.

Welcome to the underbelly

of Ping-Pong.

Where fortunes

are won and lost.

I'm exaggerating, of course,

but you get my point.

People bet on Ping-Pong here.

So you think you're good,

huh, gweilo?

Well, put money

where mouth is.

$4. No pay, no play.

Got change for $5?

That's all I got.

This guy doesn't seem

so tough to me.

That is not the Dragon.

That is the Dragon.

Gweilo,

remember, you suck

when you are nervous.

Thanks, Master.

First player

to lead by 3, wins.

Gweilo loses,

Wong and his descendants

are banished

from Chinatown forever.

And by extension,

all of Orange County.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Dragon says,

"This serve, no can defend."

No one has hit it back

in five years of table tennis.

She say, "No fair.

She wasn't ready."

She say, "That wasn't real

no can defend serve.

"This next one,

this, no can defend."

"So watch out."

She say,

"Maybe we need

to take a break.

Get some fresh air. Cool off."

(PADDLE DROPS)

Yes!

I said, "Yes!"

That is right!

Am I right?

Just say, "Yes."

Fine!

Oh, jeez.

Come on, little kid.

Don't be so hard on yourself,

you know. You got mad skills.

I warn you guys,

I know tai chi.

(GRUNTING)

Here's your money.

(BLOWING NOSE)

Unfortunately,

it's covered in snot.

I knew you could do it, man!

He won, right?

What the hell?

Mr. Daytona.

Your balls have been tempered

in the fury of hell's Dragon.

Wow!

My master, Mr. Feng,

would be honored

to have you at his tournament.

Which way is the freeway?

I seem to have gotten

turned around.

Oh, yeah.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

I knew that.

Yeah.

Mr. Daytona, we'll see you

at the tournament.

What?

What am I missing?

Oh, we got the golden paddle.

As you can see, the paddle

contains a riddle in Chinese.

(READING IN CHINESE)

"On the longest day,

two hands reach

towards heaven.

"We enter the clouds."

Of course.

When both hands reach up

on what?

A clock. That's noon.

Longest day.

Wednesday, nine letters.

We enter the clouds,

that's got to be an airfield.

Yeah, but which airfield?

There are a dozen

in Orange County alone.

John Wayne Airport, maybe.

They got

a private hangar there

owned by a Japanese

corporation goes by

the name of Haiku Cargo.

Check this out.

On the longest day.

Yeah. It's 5-7-5.

That's a haiku.

That's impressive.

Yeah.

It's on the back of

the paddle here in English.

Noon, Wednesday,

John Wayne Airport.

Each player can bring

a coach, a doctor,

two carry-ons.

Goose, run them through

the hardware they'll need.

I have stripped

everything down for you.

This is your homing device,

this is the transmitter.

So you just plant it,

flip the switch

and backup's on its way.

Don't screw this up,

Rodriguez.

Do not signal

unless you have proof

of what Feng is up to.

We don't want theories.

We want him caught red-handed,

with hard evidence,

so we can put him away

for good.

Yes, sir.

So let me guess, fellows.

We're gonna stick this

in the heel of our shoe,

put it in

a tube of toothpaste,

something like that?

I think we'll have

to sneak this in

the old-fashioned way.

What's the old-fashioned way?

(GRUNTING)

God, slow down.

We should go alone from here.

Good luck, secret agent man.

Take care of Uncle, okay?

Uncle can take care

of himself.

Oh, man.

What's the stick for, man?

Come on.

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

Okay.

Never hug a man with

a million bucks worth of

hardware up his crack.

Sorry.

It's okay.

Go ahead and kiss her already!

So embarrass...

Come back, gweilo.

Bye.

(GROANING)

Nice plane.

Team Daytona.

This way, gentlemen.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Where we going, Tijuana?

(BUS HONKING)

(GONGING)

It is with great honor

that I present your host.

The man

who sold the Dragon his fire,

stole it back,

and sold it again

to the Crips.

Give it up for Master Feng.

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

How's my collar?

Man, we were

way off George Takei.

Okie-dokie artichokie.

First of all,

I know getting here

was the commute from hell.

I have to be a smidge

off the beaten track here.

Now, Ping-Pong,

or, as the Chinese say,

"Ping-Pong,"

sport of emperors

and bandits alike.

I have assembled today,

for your entertainment

pleasure,

the most talented

table tennis athletes

from around the globe.

Legends, every one.

We have last year's

North American champion

and holder

of the Canadian cup,

Mr. Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.

Represent.

Four-time Australian champion,

Mr. Wedge McDonald!

Cutie.

From Japan,

Mr. Yukito Nagasaki!

My personal odds-on favorite

from the '88 games,

possibly the greatest player

ever to emerge from the West.

He came out of retirement

to be here,

and it's an honor to have him.

He's back and he's bad,

the one and only

Karl Wolfschtagg!

Yeah!

So, we meet again.

The years have not been

kind to you.

I will not be either.

We have champions from

every continent so, please,

everyone, wear a nametag.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

And now, eat, drink, enjoy.

My goodness!

What a blast from the past!

If it isn't my old master.

Wong.

You old horn dog.

How's tricks?

I've waited many years

to meet you again,

face to face.

Oh, thank you.

Tell me, Randy, does he still

dress as if he shops

at Elton John's garage sale?

So, Randy Daytona.

The golden boy

who couldn't even bronze.

You're Wong's new protg.

Well, FYI,

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