Balls of Fury Page #4

Wong always said

I was his greatest pupil.

I said you could have

been great, but you never

finished your training.

As I recall,

you kicked me out.

But you did teach me

one thing, Master.

Promptness.

And you were 15 minutes late

to the banquet.

Soup got cold.

Oh, Feng!

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Don't let it happen again.

Gentlemen. Athletes.

I bid you toodles.

(PLAYING MUSIC)

May I invite you to select

from one of Mr. Feng's

courtesans of pleasure.

Like sex slaves?

No.

No, I couldn't do that.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't.

No, no.

I got this girlfriend

back home.

I mean, she's not

my girlfriend. "Yet."

Mr. Feng has gone

to great lengths

to select the most

beautiful courtesans

from around the world.

They are fully versed

in both the sensual

and the erotic arts.

Well, I mean,

I don't want to be rude.

(GONGING)

What's up?

These are...

These are all...

These guys,

these are dudes.

They are fully prepared

to satisfy each and every one

of your desires.

Well, my desires

are pretty much

all satisfied up, right now.

So, I'm good.

You must choose one.

(SMIRKING)

Look, tell Feng

they are all so great...

Fine. I'll pick.

Gary.

Yo!

Feeling good?

Oh, yeah.

Hop to it.

The rest of you, get out.

That...

(STUTTERING)

Can I talk to you

for a second?

Sweet dreams, Mr. Daytona.

I got a huge day tomorrow.

Big day.

Can you...

No can do.

Look, if I don't spend

the night in here, it's...

Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding.

If I had known

I'd end up as a sex slave,

I never would've gone

to that audition in Orlando.

I thought I was gonna be doing

cruise ship shows.

Next thing I know, boom.

Sex slave.

Always read

the fine print, amigo.

Hey, you want a brew?

I sure could use one.

Yeah.

Yeah. Cool.

Here you go, dude.

So... So.

Board game?

You want to play a board game?

Yes, play a board game.

Okay, cool.

Whoa, you got Boggle, huh?

That sounds like

a challenge to me.

Yeah, okay, sure.

All right.

Sounds like somebody's

getting lucky.

Oh, no, no, dude.

I want a rematch.

Best out of seven!

You can not defeat me.

I am the Boggle master.

Kick some ass out there.

Kick some ass, all right?

All right. Thanks, man.

Appreciate it.

Be careful. Okay?

All we did was play Boggle.

Hey, how you doing, Master?

Good morning.

Oh, gweilo.

Have you tried

these pleasure girls?

My girl, she really knows

how to handle a man.

Oh, boy!

What the hell is up

with these courtesans

of pleasure?

Master had a fantastic time

last night.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Did you find anything?

They got this place

locked down pretty tight,

but I'm gonna

snoop around today.

Okay.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Huh?

He needs to go to bathroom.

Down the hall,

eighth door on the left.

The switch is on the right.

(GONGING)

Welcome to

my tournament of champions.

The tournament

is single elimination,

sudden death.

Let the games begin.

The game is to 11.

Must win by two.

(SHUFFLING)

The first competitors are...

Freddy "Fingers" Wilson.

Wonderful.

This is Freddy Fingers.

(SCREAMING)

(CROWD CLAPPING)

And...

Randy Daytona.

Hello, Feng's mansion!

How was Disneyland?

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Good luck, man.

Blow it out your ass, b*tch.

(LAUGHING)

MAHOGANY:

Game point.

Randy Daytona is the victor.

Randy!

RANDY:

Give it up!

Can I hear a word?

Can I hear a double "huh-huh"?

FENG:

Randy.

Fantastique.

Wong always did have

an eye for talent.

Too bad they're not good

for anything else.

You killed him?

Well, duh.

What part of "sudden death"

didn't you understand?

Ow!

What's up?

Come, walk with me.

Randy, I have

a proposition for you.

I won't bite.

Not anywhere that will show.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Guess a guy like you has to

have a lot of security around

all the time, huh?

Oh, them.

They're just for show.

Nobody'd try anything in here.

Give me the thing.

This is the real security.

The whole place

is wired to blow.

I'd hate to have to relocate.

The place ain't much,

but it's homey.

Voila.

I don't usually

give strangers the full tour,

but I don't know. Randy...

(MOUTHING) I like you.

Go ahead.

After you.

Guns is my new business,

and business is booming.

These new polymer guns

go on sale Thursday.

They go right through

a metal detector.

Enough shop talk.

Let me show you

my pride and joy.

Snazzy.

Yeah.

It's my own private table.

Custom made.

You have to wear

these vests to play.

The batteries in them

store enough electricity

to kill 3.8 men.

Every time you miss,

the voltage doubles.

Two-nothing feels like

you just stuck a fork

in a toaster.

Nobody's ever made it

past three-zip.

This guy here,

five-time world champ.

Randy, let me cut through

the bullpoop.

I'd like you to come

and work for me as my

personal assistantlhanger-on.

Me?

Yeah.

Why?

Because I think

you'd make a wonderful

addition to the Triad.

Really? Me?

Of course not, no.

I want you 'cause

it would break Wong's heart.

Me, his old pupil,

luring his protg

to the dark side

is such a Kodak moment.

Do you have any idea

how hard it is

to get a panda these days?

Really hard.

Maybe he's dead. I'm not sure.

I'm not really sure

what they eat.

Oh, well.

Back to the old grindstone.

Oh, man.

(SCREAMING)

You're gonna come

to the Vishnu shrine

in the bamboo grove.

You're gonna go, lower hand

low five, lower hand low five,

upper hand high five.

And then you're in.

You got it?

What?

If the guns are there,

I'll set the beacon

and my guys will be here

before he scores another

point. All right? Relax.

Just hurry!

I blow you a fart.

How do you like that?

Randy Daytona

versus Yukito Nagasaki.

This one is for you, Daytona!

MAHOGANY:

Set and match.

Where's everybody at?

Coming up after the break,

the final round.

Randy Daytona

versus Karl Wolfschtagg.

(GONGING)

You are so close to defeat,

till it already reeks

of your cheap cologne.

The joke's on you, pretty boy.

It's not cologne,

it's Lady Speed Stick.

Thank you, Master.

(FIRECRACKERS BURSTING)

Listen to me. You said that

you were gonna get me out

of here, right?

They were supposed

to be here by now.

Look, don't worry, Randy.

I got a plan B.

You got a plan B?

Trust me.

Meet me in the john

in two minutes.

Welcome to Feng's bathroom.

Hey.

May I interest you

in an Altoid

or some Axe Body Spray?

Hey, these shoes

look like they need a shine?

Hi.

Hi.

Daytona.

I have said some cruel things

about you to my friends

here at the tournament.

I told them that the reason

that you hate me so much

is because I had sex

with your mother.

My mother died when I was two.

I hardly knew her.

Yeah, I know.

It's a horrible thing to say.

And yet these things

that I say,

over and over again,

I do not mean them.

'Cause, in truth,

you are the greatest player

I have ever seen.

Other than myself.

Practicing in front

of a mirror.

Which I do.

Every day.

In the nude.

I'm sorry for you

that your papa

is not here to see you.

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