Balls Out: The Gary Houseman Story Page #3

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Look at your footwork.

You run to the net like a maniac.

You can't cut off his angles.

Do you know what a split-step is?

- I'm not sure.

- I'll show you.

Okay, I start off to the net,

and just as my opponent hits the ball,

I stop. Just for a second.

Now, I can volley in any direction.

And if the cocksucker decides to get tricky

and throws up a lob,

my momentum is already stopped

and I can just back-pedal into

a Jimmy Connors sky-hook overhand.

End of story.

Okay. Yeah, I'll work on that.

Good, because

if we're gonna beat Southpoint,

you've got to take out

that swinging dick Tommy Tremble.

By the way, was that your dad

yelling on the tape?

Yeah. He's pretty competitive.

- And the boy?

- That's my little brother, Ronny.

I've been there, man.

You were at that match?

No, I mean I had a dad with a cob up his ass

and a brother with a fresh mouth.

Anyways...

Now, Miss Sanchez. Portuguese.

Thank you for waiting.

Can I take your order, please?

Yeah, give me two cheeseburgers,

two fish sandwiches,

three large fries

and a large strawberry shake.

- Would you like a hot apple pie with that?

- Yeah, okay.

Here we go, Gary.

Your first day as head coach.

I feel awesome.

Like I'm walking on sunshine.

And this food is so damn tasty.

And you better believe this meal's

gonna feel twice as good coming out

as it did going in.

Come on, guys. Bring it in, men.

Let's go, boys, bring it in.

In my hand I hold every match score sheet

and tournament draw sheet

this team has played in

over the past 20 years.

Seven years ago, you qualified for state

and finished in 11th place.

Rad. That's your one and only

highlight, gentlemen.

Anyone want to go through your lowlights?

I didn't think so.

Nibby! What is all this?

Our records?

- How about it, Chang?

- Crap.

Well, I guess that's true.

Cappy, what the hell is all this crap?

- The past.

- That's right! It's the past.

Yes, it's sh*t. But it's past sh*t.

Does anyone wanna know what I think

about all these sh*t showings?

Raise your hand if you want to know

what I think about all this sh*t!

- What do you think about that, Cappy?

- I'm not sure.

A purging! That's what we need!

A f***ing purging!

We've got a little Cherokee spirit

jumping out here!

- Come on, you feel that, Nibby?

- Yeah, yeah. I think so.

That's what I'm talking about!

Come on! It feels good!

A f***ing fresh start, Chang!

- F***, yeah!

- F***, yeah! F***, yeah!

- Coach Tuttle would have understood.

- Heck, yeah.

Sometimes we need to mold beauty

out of the clay of ugliness.

That said, I still should have immediately

cleaned the vomit off those courts.

No problem at all. You know

I've always got time to talk football.

I'm glad you've got confidence

in your offensive line, Jeffrey.

That'll help me sleep at night.

Hey, and tell your old man

he still owes me a sixer.

It's been 20 years

and he still hasn't paid up.

- All right, I'll tell him, Mr. D.

- Thanks.

Is this an emergency, Steve?

No, not an emergency, necessarily,

but it is about Gary.

- He vomited.

- Good! Let's talk later.

Mr. Daubert's office.

He's a pretty busy guy.

I liked your energy out there today, guys,

but energy and motivation

are only half the game.

A lot of you boys are weak. Physically.

Especially in those little chopsticks

you like to call legs.

Can't do anything in tennis

if you don't have the legs for it.

Coach P. Is going to jump on my back.

Come on, Coach, go ahead.

Get up.

Okay, guys, pair up!

Fifty Popeyes each. One, two, three.

- Feel that burn, Cappy?

- Yes, Coach, I do.

Actually, Steve,

can you get off my back, please?

Steve! Can you get off my back?

What the...

You guys keep going.

It's gonna be a tough season, men.

You're gonna have to dig deep

to make Coach T. 's dream a reality.

Wipe that goddamn smile

off your face, Paul!

I'm not talking about muff diving here.

I'm talking about digging for the state title!

Come on, Chang!

Let's start off the season with a win!

- God damn it!

- God damn it.

Oh, boy.

This team really sucks.

Cappy, move your legs.

That's where the power comes from.

Nibby, what are you doing?

What are you choking up for?

Move your hand down the shaft.

You know how that feels, right?

Right foot forward. All right.

Bring your arm up.

Yeah. You know what?

Just go take a seat. It's okay.

Jenny sure looks down.

But, Gary, sometimes

you got to give people their space.

And right now, you need to focus

on your second match.

Yeah!

Close means squat. You've got to teach

these boys to go for the damn jugular!

- That's the win.

- Yeah, Paul!

- Yeah!

- Yeah.

It always feels good

to take one from behind.

But I think we may be a player short

for making a real run at state.

It might be time for Plan

Foreign Exchange Student.

But you've got to admit, Gary,

the team's coming together.

And it sure is nice to see

Jenny coming back around.

Excuse me, Jenny. God damn this cold.

You won't be late for dinner

if I run in here real quick, will you?

No, I'm fine.

Great. I'll just be a minute.

So, Mike, how's your

lame-ass tennis team doing?

We're two and three now.

Right.

- Hello, is Mike Jenson there?

- Mike.

- Hello?

- Hey, Cappy.

You're not gonna believe this.

Here we got f***ing Southpoint on Friday

and I got a head cold in spades,

but I was calling to tell you the news.

You remember that foreign exchange

student I thought I could bring in?

The 20-year-old Swede?

No, no, no. That fell through. The other one.

The Filipino.

- I thought you said you were misled.

- More of a misunderstanding.

Turns out he's the fricking junior

Ping-Pong champ of the Philippines.

He never played tennis, but he must have

out-of-this-world hand-eye.

He's on an overnight layover in the tropics,

but he'll be here in time for Southpoint.

I just need a damn host family.

Think he can crash at your pad?

- I don't think so.

- Why not?

My dad doesn't like foreigners.

All right. See you, Cappy.

- Who the hell was that?

- Oh, it was just Coach Houseman.

The janitor?

Sorry about the extended pit stop.

- What's in the bag?

- NyQuil and some beef jerky.

Hey, hey! Let me have that!

My germs are all over it.

Why did you buy condoms?

Well... Jenny,

did Coach ever talk to you about...

- Have you taken Health class yet?

- You don't think I know about sex?

No. Yeah. It's...

- Please don't open that.

- Who are you going to hump?

Nobody in particular. I just realized I'm out.

Gross! Why does it have ruffles?

Those are called ribs, Jenny,

and they're for extra pleasure.

- These are for pervs.

- No. A lot of people enjoy...

You know what? This is awkward, okay?

You really shouldn't be touching that

at your age.

And it smells funny.

- Thanks for the ride.

- No problem.

Yeah, I'll see you later!

I shouldn't even be looking.

Fifteen will get you 20.

Know what I mean?

Yeah.

So when is your dad getting back?

When his research is going well, sometimes

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