Balls Out Page #4

he stays on campus past midnight.

- Where's your mom?

- Visiting her sister.

- In China?

- Omaha.

My grandpa used to play tennis in Hanoi.

Okay.

- What the f*** you doing?

- Your flag dropped. Good game.

Jesus H., Chang! You're not gonna win

on a technicality, are you?

God damn it!

He looks like a goat!

He really does, doesn't he?

- I'll spot you five minutes.

- You're too kind.

- Checkmate.

- That's a crock.

You f***ed me up

with all that timer horseshit!

- What the f*** is he laughing at?

- He just likes to laugh.

Look, Chongers.

Now, I pulled some strings with Congo Air

to get this Filipino kid here

in time for Friday's match.

But I need a goddamn host family.

- So, is your dad gonna step up or what?

- I don't know, Coach.

It's kind of last minute,

and my dad's not big on surprises.

Well, sh*t, ask your grandpa, then.

Grandpa...

Gary wants to know...

if his friend can stay with us for a few days?

Where I grew up we had eight

families living in one room...

Now we have too many rooms...

Gary, your friend can stay here!

He says okay.

Thank you.

Man, I'm sick of being sick.

But at least on the tennis front

things are looking up.

That Filipino ringer you wrangled

is finally on his way.

So just be Zen, Gary.

Drink up your patented Houseman

health shake

and let life's juices flow.

For the love of Christ, Jones and Nibbins,

don't f***ing shy away

from the goddamn ball!

God damn it!

Jones! Nibbins!

Hey, Gary! What are you doing?

Why the f*** are you two

so scared of a little yellow ball?

- We're not.

- I've been sitting in my house

watching you two shy away from every

goddamn ball for the last 10 minutes!

Tell me you haven't! Say it!

- We haven't.

- Really?

- Gary...

- Not now, Coach.

That hurt?

Hey, hey. Hey, stop crying.

- Nibbins, look at me. Are you hurt?

- No.

- Jonesy, you hurt?

- No.

You see? There's nothing to be scared of.

It's just a little yellow ball.

- Stings though, don't it?

- Yeah.

Listen, when you're at the net

and some jokester is taking target practice

at you, guess what?

He can't hurt you.

And if you stay on top of the goddamn net,

you can take away all his angles!

You can see that tennis

is a game of angles, can't you?

- Yeah.

- Okay, then.

Sorry about that, Coach.

Except for Jones and Nibbins, it looks like

you got practice running pretty smoothly.

Thanks.

Don't look so worried. My fever broke.

Attention, students.

- Hey, how you doing?

- The harvest dance is this Friday night.

Hey, Mr. Daubert, do you have a minute?

I need to talk to you about the tennis team.

- Is there a problem?

- No.

- Well, yes, sort of.

- Hey, how you doing?

There just seems to be

some wrong things happening.

Been some wrong things with the tennis

team for quite some time, Steve.

As a matter of fact, they've pretty much

sucked for the last 20 years.

- Get that History grade up, Jeffrey.

- Yes, sir, I will, Mr. D.

- Well, that's not what I mean.

- What is it, Steve?

Well, it's Gary. There was an incident

in front of the cross-country team.

He was only wearing an athletic supporter

and he was hitting the boys

with tennis balls...

Not the blind boy.

No, no. He was hitting our boys. You know.

And I just thought you should know.

I see.

Hey, listen, if you happen

to talk to Gary about this,

would it possible to not discuss

where you got this information?

No problem, Steve.

I mean, I got budget cuts up the ass,

half the football team is failing History,

and my daughter subscribes

to Leather & Bondage magazine.

But don't worry, Steve,

I'll just drop everything and deal with this.

Jesus, I never had you pegged

as an informer.

Hey, how you doing?

Okay.

Look out, Johnny,

I hear this little fatherfucker

can suck the skin off a potato.

- I gotta go to class.

- All right, butt-monkey. Go to class.

But don't let me catch you

eye-balling my Johnson again.

Nibby, what the f***?

You just open wide

when they feed you sh*t?

- Tit for f***ing tat!

- He'll beat me up!

F***ing A, Nibbins!

Don't shy away from this, too!

- I can't.

- God damn it, Nibby!

You don't do something right now,

I'm gonna f***ing yank you from the team,

you hear me?

I got no f***ing time for pansies!

Dick!

Hey! What the f*** is going on?

That kid just knocked my sh*t on the floor.

Why you grabbing his ass, quarterback?

You like little boys' tight a**holes?

Is that it?

Man, I know some mean muchachos

who wouldn't think twice about putting

a dent in your little boy-Ioving skull

and shoving a f***ing shiv

down your dickhole.

Hey, QB, good luck

against Creighton Prep Saturday.

Pitch the ball every once in a while

when you run the option.

You do know you have the option

to pitch the ball on that play?

That's why it's called an option.

Hello, se? Or Houseman. How are you today?

Hello.

How are you?

Very well.

So, se? Or Houseman,

where did you learn to speak Spanish?

Lived in Mxico for a few years.

Not only handsome, but a man of the world.

A rare combination

in this part of the country.

Yes. To like coffee...

So, I saw that we're both signed up

to chaperone that harvest dance tonight.

- Si. Si. Yes, I...

- Yeah.

You know, it's like...

Maybe you and I, we could...

You know what I mean?

I gotta Ping-Pong airport later.

You know?

It's all coming together, Gary.

The seeds of romance have been planted.

Now we'll see if that Filipino

Ping-Pong popper pans out.

At least there's something to be said

for being sick and having loose stools.

That's it, Gary. Get it all out of your system.

That was just a little psych-ops mission.

I don't know what they told you about us

in the Philippines,

but America isn't all cream cakes

and crates of Pepsi, Maricar.

I'm sorry you had to watch me drop a heavy

on your first night here.

Number one singles for Southpoint,

I've got Tommy Tremble.

Number one singles for West,

Mr. Mike Jenson!

You shouldn't have sh*t on our courts.

- What?

- Don't listen to them.

Players, the match begins now.

This is not Ping-Pong, Maricar!

Hit over the net.

It's over.

- A lot of tennis to be played.

- Different year, same sh*t.

Come on, Ronny.

Damn it, Paul!

If you're gonna be the team videographer,

I need some decent shots!

Come on, man! Tennis Filming 101!

High angles!

What a beautiful day.

It was so kind of you to stop by

and get me out of the house.

My pleasure.

- What's Nibbins' score?

- He just went down a set.

I've got to change the MO.

The kid's foot-faulting!

- Who?

- Who?

Tommy Tremble, bro!

He's been doing it all goddamn day.

Coach, you're out of line.

If you have a complaint against Tommy,

I'll watch, and I'll see it.

No wonder Southpoint never loses.

The f***ing ump's on the payroll!

That's enough, Coach.

You have five minutes to leave the match.

Fine! I'm already gone!

- What happened?

- The old-timer tossed me out.

Said I have five minutes

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