Band Aid

---

- It's one dish.

- One dish?

Okay, are you blind or

just legally retarded?

- There is one dish in

that sink that I put there.

- Really, Ben?

- And you're,

happen to be quite the

dish Nazi, I might add.

When did you, everything is like,

this is not clean enough.

There's smudges on this plate.

- Don't do that.

Stop doing that.

For sure, stop doing that.

It's super offensive.

'Cause I come from a long

line of Holocaust survivors.

- How could there be a long

line of Holocaust survivors?

There's only one or two generations

that were in the Holocaust.

- You're gonna tell me

that there's one dish...

- Did you call me...

- In this sink?

- Legally retarded before?

It's so insensitive, it's so insensitive.

Okay.

- I'm not doing this.

- Could you imagine if my aunt was here?

For someone that has

claimed to be offended

by conversation recently...

- Grow up.

- The word retarded

- I can't...

- Is so offensive.

- F***ing deal with you.

- Yeah, the are more...

- Honestly, Ben.

- There's more than one dish...

- Grow the f*** up.

- This time.

- But you did say retarded.

- Like, seriously?

- And that is so hard to hear.

- How many years, Ben?

How many years, no.

- Particularly in the last 10

have people really started

to take offense to that word.

- How many years have I been

asking you to do the f***ing dishes?

And it just still has to be

this cat and mouse game...

- Well, how many years...

- Where you force me...

- Have I been asking you...

- To be the nag?

- To give me

a blowj*b every once in awhile?

I can't even remember

the last time.

- A blowj*b?

- Would it kill you?

- Okay, how about this.

I've got a solution.

I'll do the dishes, and you

can go suck your own dick.

- F*** you.

- F*** me?

- Seriously, just f*** you.

- F*** you.

- It's so...

- F*** you.

F*** you, f*** you.

F*** you, f*** you, f*** you, f*** you

F*** you

- Oh sh*t, I gotta call my mom.

- No.

Please, please, please.

- I have to call her back.

- I literally...

- She's called me...

- I will throw my body...

- Three times this week...

- Out of this car.

- And I have not

called her back.

I have to call her back.

- I'll do anything.

Tell me, tell me, a blowj*b.

Hang up, blowj*b.

I swear to you.

Blowj*b right now.

- Don't f*** me up.

- Don't f*** me up.

- Right now, right...

- Hello?

- Hi mom.

- Hi sweetie, how are ya?

- I'm good, I'm driving.

- Sherry Orlofski's son was driving

holding a cellphone, got hit by a bus.

He's paralyzed from the waist down.

He shits in a bag now.

- I don't know who Sherry Orlofski is.

I don't know why this is like,

what's going on?

- She's in my book club.

Are you with Anna?

- Yes.

No, no, I mean I'm

spiritually always with Anna,

but no, I am not with Anna.

- Okay, 'cause if she's not there,

there's something I need

to talk to you about.

- Uh, is everything okay?

- Honey, you gotta make me a baby.

- Mom.

- All my friends

have grandkids, Benny.

Everyone at book club's passing

out photos like it's 9-11.

- That is such a weird analogy to use.

- Yeah, but just gimme

a little grandbaby, honey.

I know it's scary.

I know it is.

- Okay.

- But you think I was ready for you?

I pooped you out like a dog in summer,

and I never regretted it.

All right, I gotta go.

I got a client.

Love you so much, all right.

Okay, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Love you.

- Did you not tell her?

- No.

I mean.

- No, you didn't tell her?

- No, I did, 1...

- You told me a year

ago when I told my parents,

you said that you told her.

- Look, you know my mom is crazy, right?

You know that, okay.

And if I had told her what happened...

- So you lied?

- I didn't lie, I just,

my mom gives me so much anxiety.

About my life and my job, and you.

- About me?

Why does she give you anxiety about me?

- You know, 'cause you're older.

- I'm older?

- Well, I mean...

- Older?

- Well...

- What the...

- Well, I think she should say it.

- I'm not saying it.

- Well, I'm not saying it.

Does it even need to be said

or is it just kind of

a thing that's like...

- Yes, you should say sorry.

- Why?

I mean, you should say sorry to me.

- What would I say sorry for?

- For calling me a liar.

- You lied.

- You know what, I did,

whatever I did, I did for you.

- Oh my god,

What are we, in a Bryan Adams song?

- Oh my, that is so,

you can't even talk to someone

when they're just like...

- Okay, can I give you

a piece of advice?

- Yeah, I mean, that's what you're...

- That is the arrangement.

- That's why we're here.

- You're both clearly in a lot of pain.

Your frustrations with your

own lives, your careers,

your frustrations with each other.

And though these issues may seem trivial,

they need to be addressed.

Because, oddly, they may be the gateway

to processing your grief.

What I'm looking for is a

way to address these things

without the two of you

getting into the same fight

over and over again.

Okay.

Well, time's up.

And um, I'm moving to Canada.

- I mean.

- I mean.

- Can we thank your godmother for coming?

Say thank you.

- Yeah, that's close.

- That's what we're gonna get.

- That was close.

- That's what we're gonna get.

- Happy birthday, Theo.

- Go play with your friends.

- Cute.

- How are you doin'?

' Yep, I'm good.

- On a scale of one to Snoop Lion,

how high are you right now?

- Um.

Like 100.

- Very good.

Well, even in that state,

I'm very happy that you could be here.

- Only in this state could I be here.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm so happy to be here.

- Yeah, she wanted a music party.

It's for the children.

You know, so the children

could play music.

- It's really nice.

- Yeah, no, it's great.

It's good for them to express themselves.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, he's

my best friend.

- You guys seem really connected.

- You know, but if the whole thing

becomes a little much for you,

why don't we come up with a safe word.

- Okay.

Cup of noodles.

- Is that a request

or is that the...

- Oh, computer planet.

- How about something

less like a creepy robot?

Just use, like a word...

- Okay.

- That would make sense...

- Like a human word.

- At a Party-

- Okay-

- Like pizza.

- Pizza.

- Pizza.

- And this is our daughter Isis.

- Yeah.

- What, I'm sorry?

- Yeah, we get it.

- Yeah, it's, um.

Before the...

- She was named

after the Egyptian goddess of magic.

It was before the...

- Yeah, before the cell

of the international jihadi terror thing.

- But I didn't hear you guys

wrong, her name is Isis?

- Yeah, Isis Ellen Greenburg.

- Isis Ellen Greenburg.

- Isn't that beautiful?

- First Jew in Isis.

- There's absolutely no way

that I am having another baby.

Meanwhile, Candice is

on baby number three.

- I know, look at her.

- She loves motherhood so much,

she should f***in' marry it.

- Congratulations on your TV show.

- Thank you.

I'm pretty psyched about it.

I wasn't really looking to run a show,

and it just kind of happened.

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