Bang the Drum Slowly Page #8

Well, for eXample, even...

Pearson here thought

that I sometimes

wasn't human.

No, sir.

I, uh, probably ate

you out now and then

but never

without a reason.

No, sir, you only ate me out

for doing dumb things.

No, no, no, no,

I ate you out

for the good of the club

and for your own pocketbook

never for

anything personal

because I know

that you know

that personally

I never had anything

but the greatest respect

for you as a human being.

Yes, sir,

that was how I always felt.

When I die...

When I die...

...the papers will write

in the headlines

"Son of a B*tches of the World

Have Lost Their Leader."

Yet, many a boy

might shed a tear or two

that rode along with me

into the big bunny

and, uh, that's why

I maybe now and then

I ate Pearson out or

some other type of person.

It's time, Dutch.

Yeah.

I'll say it's time!

Let's go, boys!

Now that you're here

tell me what you see, okay?

'Cause I know I got faults.

I always did.

Throw the ball back

to the pitcher better.

Make it easy on him.

Right, I will.

I really will now.

I'll do that.

I told you that

a thousand times.

When he tells you,

you believe him.

Yeah, but he's a catcher.

You ain't no catcher.

We're of the tribe

of catchers.

Yeah, huh.

Oh, yeah, but when you hit

don't chew.

There's a system

to your chewing.

You give yourself away.

When he tenses up,

he stops chewing.

That's it.

Oh, one other little thing...

use a lighter bat.

I always thought you used

too heavy a bat.

Big, strong boy like you,

you just meet the ball.

Don't murder it.

Okay.

Is she familiar to you?

Oh, you bet.

I seen her on TV.

Plus, she was voted

Miss Industrial Progress

not so very long ago.

I believe I recall

the event.

Tell Mr. Wiggen your present

business address.

66th Street.

Where you've got

a golden lifetime pass to

just as soon as I lay my hands

on that Change

of Beneficiary form

to you-know-who's policy.

Miss Industrial Progress here

is a baseball fan

from way back,

aren't you, honey?

I sure am.

You won't play ball forever.

You got a short life.

Why not live it up a little bit?

I mean,

why worry so much about...

you-know-who and his family

and his little old policy.

Why?

Why?

I don't know why you don't

live it up all the time

when dying is

just around the corner

but you don't.

You'd think you would,

but you don't.

I don't know why.

All right, bring them in.

As I was walking the streets

of Laredo

As I walked out

in Laredo one day

I spied a young cowboy

all wrapped in white linen

Wrapped in white linen

as cold as the clay...

Then the cowboy speaks.

Try a different song!

Yeah, I don't like that song.

No, the cowboy speaks.

I don't want to hear

the cowboy speak.

I seen by his outfit

that he was a cowboy

And as I walked near him

these words he did sigh

"Come sit down beside me

and hear my sad story

Shot in the breast,

and I know I must die"...

You got another number, Piney?

That song stinks.

It's a cornball song.

Hey, I think it's letting up.

Let him sing.

Yeah, it sounds good.

Yeah, the cowboy tells

his sad story.

Yes, once in the saddle,

I used to go dashing

Once in the saddle,

I used to go gay

First down to Rosie's,

and then to the card house

Shot in the breast,

and I'm dying today

Get 16 gamblers

to carry my coffin

Get siX pretty maidens

to sing me a song

Take me to the valley

and lay the sod o'er me

I'm just a young cowboy,

and I know I done wrong.

Come on, boys.

Why don't you join in a little

like they do, you know?

Oh, bang the drum slowly

and play the fife lowly

Play the dead march

as they carry me along

Put bunches of roses

all over my coffin

Roses too deaden the clods

as they fall.

Hey!

Hey, it's Arthur!

Hey, Arthur, hat's off.

Come on in, Arthur.

Come on,

join the celebration.

I guess I will... I live here.

Celebrating what?

Uh...

celebrating!

Celebrating celebration.

Yeah, hats off!

Hey, gee, Piney,

he said "Hats off"

So take your hat off.

Well, whatever Bruce says,

I'll do, for in my opinion

there's no greater catcher

in baseball today.

Hats off.

Baltimore won.

Well, that's okay

'cause they ain't going

to beat us!

Best of five.

Hey, hey, why, hats off.

Oh, give me a home

where the buffalo roam

And the deer

and the antelope play

Where seldom is heard

a discouraging word...

I thought I might be dreaming.

I figured I'd wake up

and they'd be

ragging each other

and slinging horse sh*t

as usual.

But it was real.

They were there,

and Bruce amongst them.

It was a club.

...Where seldom is heard

a discouraging word

And the skies are not cloudy

all day...

No, there's no...

I don't want to be here

when he shoots.

He's gonna shoot goddamn...

Ah, my eyes.

Glass all over the floor.

Where's my shoes?

Arthur.

You all right?

Yeah.

Oh, they're a great bunch

of boys.

They always was.

Put a card there,

all right.

Joe, you up.

Yeah, I'm betting right now.

I want five dollars more.

I'm putting in five.

Five more.

What are you betting on?

Five. I'll tell you

after you put in the five.

And I'm going

to raise you two.

Okay, what are?

- Raise me two.

- I want to raise two.

- All right, he can raise.

- You owe.

Two and two better.

I'll raise you two.

Hey, you're not putting

in any money.

What are you holding, Joe?

- The siX dollars.

- What are you holding?

- I got it.

- I'll just raise you two.

Are you talking big,

or are you holding?

No, no, no.

I want to see his money here.

I just raised two, though.

I can't play.

Listen, put in the money!

I'll put it in,

but I don't understand...

Put in another

three dollars there.

That's it.

Three more.

- Here it is.

- No, but he didn't...

Jack and a three,

and it's all mine.

- Wait a...

- I've got the trump card here.

15, 15!

I haven't even played my hand...

No good, no good!

Wait a minute,

we got a split.

We got a run

right through the ten...

Can you beat

a Coney Island tady?

Yeah. Well, well...

Well, what about

this double ace deuces?

I wish you a lot

of luck with it.

It was a club

like it should've been all year

but never was

but all of a sudden become.

We'd begun to pull ahead.

Please welcome

for a return engagement

on this program

the Singing Mammoths

and their newest member,

Bruce Pearson.

Please eXcuse my tears

'Cause I've been

on the road to tribulation

And I find

no consolation here

What good is a love song

if the words are second-hand?

They don't belong

to anyone you can't get near

'Cause I live on the outside

of your joy and laughter

You gave me a good ride,

but I can't come after

All is said and done

I'm not the one

you really took me for

And so, you better look

before you leap

Yeah.

Come on there, Bruce.

Play it.

Whoo!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Yeah.

Ooh!

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I live on the outside

of your joy and laughter

You gave me a good ride,

but I can't come after

All is said and done

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