Bank Holiday Page #4

l haven't. Of course l've thought about it

a lot and imagined it.

l don't suppose l ever shall know, really.

Poor old Mill.

Phew! lt's hot.

l think we'd better go. They want to

close and we haven't got our rooms yet.

Our parcels!

l'm terrified l'll leave my sunsuit somewhere.

- l couldn't enter the competition without it.

- Supposing you did!

- How are your feet now, dear?

- Lovely. l can't feel them at all.

- (Waves lapping shore)

- l think it'll be romantic, don't you?

Just you and l.

(Giggles)

What are you laughing at?

Oh, l...l'm so sorry.

Cheer up, Geoff. lt may not be a room

in the Grand, but at least it's facing the sea.

- 'Ere, what's the idea?

- What's the matter?

- That man insulted me.

- Who did?!

- He did.

- Him?

l wouldn't touch her with a bargepole.

Oh, you wouldn't? Get up, come on!

- Me?

- Yes.

l said l wouldn't touch her

with a bargepole and l wouldn't.

- Oh.

- 'Ere, do you want a fight?

- l'd blind ya...

- Who, me?

Leave him alone! Lie down.

- He'll hit you. Remember your gallstones.

- (Laughs)

What are you laughing about? l'll give you

something worse than gallstones!

(All shout)

Leave him to me!

Where were you educated?

- Who, me?

- Yes. Balliol?

- Shut up, you!

- l'll show you!

(All shout)

(Shouting continues)

Two shadows in the moonlight...

- What's it all about, Geoff?

- l don't know.

(Both shout at once)

(Shouting continues)

l'll see to you in the morning.

That's if you're still there.

l shall be there.

Number one, that's my address.

(Shouting subsides)

Number one. Pleasant dreams.

l hope you get run over in 'em.

You... Touch you?

- Doreen, did you dream last night? l did.

- What?

Dreamt l woke up and a good-looking

solider got his arms right round me.

And l've always wondered what it felt like.

- What was it like?

- Like being in a lovely, hot bath

with cold water running down your back.

Oh, that's nothing.

Doreen, don't say anything.

l've got a funny feeling

it really did happen.

Do you think so? No, it must have been

that Benedictine we had last night.

No, Doreen, l'm sure

he's lying there still next to me.

Go on, no. Don't be so soft.

- Well, have a look and see.

- No, you.

- No, you.

- No, you.

lt's your business.

Go on, Mill, have a look.

All right, l will, then.

(Screams) You're quite right, dear,

it was a dream!

Oh, l hope so!

Oh, all right, dear.

Put on your bathing costume

and run down to the sea.

Arthur? Arthur?

Give me a hand with the kiddies

while l get into my beach pyjamas,

will you?

- Hello, where's he gone?

- ''l've gone to breakfast at the McCarter.

''lf not there,

will be at the bandstand.

''lf not there, will be on the pier.

''After there,

l will be in the Queen's Arms.''

Oh, just like him. You'll have to

give me a hand to pack all this up.

Come on, now, hurry up!

Oh, that was good!

Five more minutes,

then l'll see if l can get a room.

- l'm going in. Are you coming?

- No.

- How was that, Cath?

- Marvellous!

Come on, now let's see you do it.

Come on, Cath.

What's the matter?

What are you afraid of?

- l never knew you were such a coward.

- Yes, Geoff, l'm a coward.

l'm going in again. Come in when

you feel better. Just come in down the steps.

- What's the matter now?

- Nothing.

Just leave me alone, Geoff.

You don't seem to enjoy anything.

l tried to make the holiday decent.

Not my fault we had to sleep on the beach.

- l know it wasn't.

- What is it, then? Or don't you know?

Women are all the same.

They don't know what they want.

No, nothing's the matter,

really, l'm all right.

OK, you stay here and rest

and l'll go and fix up the hotel.

- l'll meet you at that same place on the beach.

- All right.

- Mummy, where's Dad?

- l don't know, dear.

Hector, 'ere, go and have a look

if he's in there.

Come on, jump.

Mummy, where's Dad?

Mum! Mum, where's Dad?

Mum, where's Dad?

Mummy, what's happening in there?

- Mum, l'm going in there!

- You're not going in that nasty place.

(Man) That's all, ladies.

Mind where you put your feet -

Hercules has hopped it!

Ah, gentlemen, just in time.

Only two more seats left, that's all.

Come along, they're happy, they're slappy,

they're alive. Come along, come along!

This way to the Follies,

only a few seats left!

(Chorus) The same old bands

The same old bands

play the same old

Pom-tiddly-om, pom-pom

lt's the same old bathers

bobbing up and down

The same old games

there used to be

Lovely girls in pretty scores

You will see them by the shores

lt's the same old seaside shore

beside the sea, hey!

- Where are you going, Charlie?

- Church, to pray for rain.

Ladies and gentlemen,

one or two nursery rhymes up to date.

Mary had a little lamb,

she placed it on the shelf,

and every time he wagged his tail

he slapped his little self!

Here lies the body of Martha Gurney,

she fell off the bus

and broke her journey.

- Got the time, mate?

- Ten past twelve.

- Blimey, they're open!

- Simple Simon met a pieman

sitting on the grass,

said Simple Simon to the...

He's gone to have a bev.

How did you enjoy it? Not bad, eh?

lf l told you, you'd sue me for libel!

- Hello, how are you?

- We've been looking for you everywhere.

l'm going for a quick one.

See you on the beach later.

Oh, Art!

- Let me see, Marina!

- Let me see, Hector!

Hector, come out of that thing!

Take her down. Showing her that!

You naughty boy!

l've been staying in Paris with a friend,

Count Ponchay. He's a Hungarian.

- lsn't he something to do with films?

- No, no, no, no.

(Giggles) Doreen, look!

lt's that Miss Mayfair again.

Ooh, isn't she awful?

She ought to be ashamed of herself.

(People shouting)

They're coming!

(Cheering)

( Band playing national anthem)

(Sergeant shouts orders)

Stephen, l can't see!

Hold me up!

lsn't it wonderful?

(Sergeant shouts orders)

Oh, Stephen, Stephen!

Ann! Ann!

Ann!

Cath, l've fixed it,

l've booked a room!

- Where?

- Where do you think? The Grand.

- That's fine.

- Some people are moving out tonight.

We can't have the room till then,

but it's absolutely fixed.

Phew!

l could do with a choc-ice.

- Still fond of me?

- Mm-hm.

- Happy now?

- Yes.

- Got a match, darling?

- No.

- Well, how did you light yours?

- l had one left.

Of course, the lighter. l forgot.

That's a funny thing to forget.

- You didn't want me to use it.

- Why shouldn't l?

That's what l should like to know.

How many times have you met that man?

- Don't be silly.

- l'm sorry, but...

You've broken your promise anyhow.

l said this would spoil the holiday

and now it has!

Geoff!

Listen, Geoff...

(Thunder)

Come on.

Standing room...

No, madam, standing room only!

What a comedian,

what a show, what weather!

Oh, no seats, no! Standing room only!

Two shillings a time. Come along now...

( Band playing waltz)

Well, here's to the actor's best friend,

the English climate!

Hear, hear!

- How much is that, Joe?

- 1 5 shillings, sir.

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