Barbara Broadcast

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1

Music:
The Road Forward

Alan Hawkshaw

Music:
The Blue Danube Waltz

Johann Strauss II

(inaudible)

Excuse me, I don't mean to intrude,

but aren't you Barbara Broadcast?

- Why yes, I am.

- See! I knew it all the time. I knew

it was her!

You look so much better in the picture

on the cover of your book than you...

- Would you mind autographing our copy?

- Certainly.

Would you make one to Morris Vincent,

and the other to Florence Dorothy Vincent?

- Okay.

- This is Florence Dorothy,

and I am Morris Vincent.

- It was really awful the way you were

deported.

- Yes, and for a victimless crime!

- Mmm. Were all your crimes victimless?

- No. Not all, thank goodness.

Well, it must be terrible not to be

able to return to your homeland!

Well, I was never that crazy

about Puerto Rico.

(laughs) Well, thank you!

(inaudible)

Excuse me! I don't mean to intrude,

but my brother's kind of shy

and, well, he's a big,

big fan of yours.

Would you mind giving him an autograph?

And a little head? Just a little,

he doesn't want to come or anything.

Why so shy?

You don't have anything

to be shy about.

(laughs nervously)

(laughs again)

Can I come in your mouth?

Mm-mm.

When will I be old enough to

come in a girl's mouth?

When you're old enough not to ask.

Why do you continue to hook when

you're such a successful author?

Well, I'll tell you. It beats writing

for a living.

Typing, you know, it breaks your nails.

- Do you type?

- I was a secretary!

- Really!?

- I enjoyed taking shorthand.

- Ooh. I prefer longhand.

Where did you get such nice teeth?

One night, I caught the tooth-fairy

under my pillow

and I gave him the best f*** of his life.

- Would you like another, sir?

- No thanks, just coffee.

Now, what else did I leave

out of the book?

Do you want to go on to the strange

people who worked for you?

Well, there was this slightly strange

one who liked to

hang out in front of bus terminals.

- Oh, do you mind? I'm expecting a

friend.

- Not at all.

- Can you do a number seventeen?

- Certainly.

Music:
Tales from the Vienna Woods

Johann Strauss II

- Has your friend arrived yet?

- Um, no. Not yet.

- She does a wonderful cafe au lait.

- Hello!

- Oh, hello! Joyce, this is Roberta.

Roberta, this is Joyce. She used to

work for me.

- I ordered for you.

- Oh, I can't! That's my binge food.

- We were just talking about the one

who likes bus terminals. Do you

remember that one?

- Vaugely!

If you want to meet people,

particularly strangers to a city,

there's no better

place than a bus terminal.

What time do you get off work?

I would love to hear the end,

but I have to go.

It's going to be a very busy afternoon.

There was a really bloody mafia

picture on TV last night. Goodbye!

That chopped-liver cock's gorgeous! It

must have been done by the

sculptor Horowitz.

That couldn't be Horowitz's work.

Horowitz only works in Halvah.

Come on!

- Un, excuse me. I'm a friend of Tony's.

- Oh. Tony.

Yeah, he said I could make it with you

sometime.

On his account, of course.

- Oh, that's nice. Are you circumcized?

- Yes. Why?

I don't want you to think I'm not

interested in you as a person.

Music:
Reflections on a Misty Morning

Brian Bennett

- Who are you?

- I'm Harvey, the wall-banger.

I believe the story is just beginning

to get interesting.

The way everyone was conning everyone,

I think she had the most honest

relationship. Beating off.

[Barbara] Sex is a subject that

appeals to all ages.

Everyone likes it.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Do you mind if I blow your waiter?

Not at all!

I don't know what on earth happened to mine.

In a Caucasian restaurant you really

have to keep track of your waiter.

- They all look alike!

- Do you want any help?

- Please!

(inaudible)

Music:
Azure Blue

Simon Benson & Peter Cox

Would you like something to drink?

- No alcohol. A Shirley Temple.

- Surely!

Thy rod and thy staff,

they comfort me.

(sound of glass shattering)

- Could you excuse me a few minutes?

I'm expecting a very important call.

- Surely!

Please, have a waiter while you're waiting.

Or better still, give my compliments

to the chef.

Music:
Reflections on a Misty Morning

Brian Bennett

(inaudible)

(inaudible)

(door buzzer sounds)

Music:
Before Summer Ends

Keith Mansfield

- Everyone's waiting. What should I do?

- I'll be right along.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Music:
Blue Danube Waltz

Johann Strauss II

Waiter! More coffee, please.

(laughs)

Music:
Dossier

Alan Hawkshaw & Brian Bennett

Music:
Big Haul

Brian Bennett

Music:
The Double Take

Steve Gray

Music:
Vienna Blood Waltz

Johann Strauss II

- Excuse me. Did the lady that I was

with leave any messages for me?

- Miss Broacast, yes. Your friend left this.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Music:
Getaway

Alan Hawkshaw

Are you going to offer me

a sip of your joint?

What I usually offer people

is more expensive.

- Oh?

- It's never overpriced.

It's getting way past my head-time.

Music:
Wallop

Brian Bennett

Music:
You've Got What It Takes

Madeline Bell

Music:
Glittering Mud

Steve Gray

Music:
Flying High

Stefano Torossi

Music:
The Big One

Alan Tew

Music:
White Elephant Walk

Alan Tew

Hey! Hiya, Barbara! Is it still

a business doing pleasure with you?

I don't believe it! Hi!

I was just thinking about him.

- I felt it!

- What's your name again?

- Roberta.

- Curly, this is Roberta.

- It's very nice to meet you.

- Mmm. Very nice to meet you.

Did you get off well?

- I loved it!

- Good.

- She's real nice.

- Yeah. Real nice.

- Much nicer than that other b*tch.

- What other b*tch?

- We had a little PAP.

- PAP? What's that?

Protestant American Princess.

So we had this little PAP working for us,

and to set her straight we let Curly

at her to act out one of his fantasies.

Music:
Dossier

Brian Bennett

Music:
The Big One

Alan Tew

Music:
Big Haul

Brian Bennett

- Where are we going to do this tomorrow?

- How about in the restaurant again, upstairs?

Yeah.

- Table please.

- Ah yes, we'll have your reservation

in about 5 minutes.

- Thank you very much. It's a real

pleasure.

- I'm famished."

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