Barbershop 2: Back in Business

Get out of the way! Move!

Come on.

Come on, man.

Get up.

Come on.

Shoot!

Suspect out of the way.

Heading toward Exchange.

Move it!

Out of the way!

Hold it!

Don't move! Don't move!

Get away from that window!

Get over there!

Do what I say!

Oh, sh*t. Pick up my meat.

- You hungry, brother?

- Do I look hungry? Get over there!

I might be a little hungry,

but get your hands up!

- He ain't got no gun.

- You think I ain't got a gun?

- Shoot me, goddamn it!

- I'll shoot you.

You mother...

No. Come on, Hank!

Back up, back up!

What you know about

a brother needing a job?

- Big Floyd Patterson haircut head.

- You don't look like Floyd.

Shoot. I just wanted

to barbecue.

It's the goddamn Fourth of July.

Can't a black man have

a goddamn Fourth of July, too?

- Open up! It's the police!

- Sweet Jesus.

Kick it in!

- Don't mess with my conk.

- You want a barbecue?

Is there a problem, officers?

Yeah. We're looking for a thief.

You seen one?

Me? No, I haven't seen a thi...

Hank, you seen

a thief around here?

- No, no, not around here.

- No, me, either.

No thief.

You guys aren't

celebrating the holiday?

Sure. We're just finishing up

our last customer.

I said play

like you cuttin' it.

Eddie, you can't talk about people

just 'cause they biracial.

- Why not?

- 'Cause that's silly.

They can take it

like anybody else.

All I'm saying, Calvin,

is black folk love to take credit

for they half-black brothers

and sisters till somethin' goes sour.

You know, like Tiger Woods...

we claim him.

Jennifer Beals. What the boy mama

used to be on The Jeffersons?

- Lenny Kravitz.

- Lenny Kravitz... count him.

As soon as they go freak out

just a little bit,

go a little crazy, get a little glitter

like Mariah Carey,

then all of a sudden it's the other half

that went looney tunes.

- What about Vin Diesel?

- I don't know what he is. Half car.

What black man

do you take credit for?

I'll tell you who I don't want

to take credit for... that D.C. Sniper.

I was mad when I found out

dude was black.

Hold on there, Terri.

The D.C. Sniper is like

the Jackie Robinson of crime.

What?!

Tell them, Eddie.

He broke into the white leagues

with that crime.

That crime took planning.

Not only planning, it took math.

You know, it took math

to figure out all them trajectories

to shoot from the back

of an automobile.

That's white-folk sh*t right there.

With the problems we got,

black folks used to could say,

"At least we ain't crazy. "

Our crimes made sense.

Ain't got no money,

rob somebody with money.

Black folks are just as crazy

as white folks.

Mike Tyson...

he's like three crazy people.

Prince?

Hold on, hold on now.

He half Cherokee or something.

Don't put him in with us.

DVDs, CDs. Ike Turner's

greatest hits with Tina on the cover.

Got something

you ain't gonna believe...

R. Kelly on tape

with grown women.

I got Grandmas Gone Wild.

You ever seen wrinkles in a thong?

Fred, don't buy nothing

from that fool.

That Nemo tape I got for my son

has a crack deal on it.

- Why you always lyin' on me?

- Ain't nobody lyin' on you.

Line me up.

I got a meeting in 19 minutes.

Head to your meeting

'cause I got next.

K- Rod called and booked

the spot after that,

but I can get you at 3:45

or 11:
00 on Tuesday.

You a superstar now?

The Eminem of the barber world?

Yeah, that's why

they call me Slim Fadin'.

This used to be my chair.

Wasn't but two seconds ago

your pasty Pilgrim ass

was sitting at that front seat

and nobody was feeling you.

Well, they're feeling me now.

I'll touch you up.

My customer's running late,

so I can take you.

Cool.

Hi.

Hello.

So...

what's it like

working for Alderman Brown?

It's good.

The alderman is a great mentor.

Must be nice doing

what you said you'd always do.

I really admire that.

- Apple juice?

- What's going on here?

Who set this up?

This sh*t ain't funny.

- What?

- This. You being nice to me?

You admire me? You got back

together with Kevin, didn't you?

I do not need a man

to make me feel good.

Plus, I'm trying to be

at peace with myself.

I don't know this woman.

Would you know me if I shoved

my foot up your ass?

Oh, yes, there she goes.

Let's go.

Lookin' good, Mr. Stewart.

Now you can get your swerve on.

Calvin, when you get my age,

you don't swerve.

You just be happy gettin'

that bad boy out of park.

You tell him.

You got something smaller?

I don't got change.

- Just keep it.

- You ain't got to tell me twice.

What'd you do,

hit the lotto?

- I sold the cleaners.

- What?

Yep, sold it.

Time for early retirement.

Quality Land Development came in

and made me an offer.

More money than I'd ever seen.

I jumped at it.

- What are they going to put in?

- A Kinko's or something.

I heard they was gonna move

a Subway over there.

A Subway and a Blockbuster.

Yep. White folk

is coming back.

They tryin'

to make money on a brother.

This ain't about

white folks comin' back.

Most of these businesses

coming in are black-owned.

This whole block

is gonna get upgrades.

They can tear down

all this mess around here.

Change is a good thing.

Long as they ain't buildin' liquor stores

and titty bars, I'm cool with it.

Wait a minute now, Calvin.

If they build a titty bar across

the street, I ain't never goin' home.

Hey, babe!

Here's your sh*t.

I burned the rest of it.

The next time

you want to call yourself

sleeping around

behind somebody's back,

make sure

she look like something

'cause I heard

all of your little sh*t.

Your cell called the house,

and I heard all two minutes of it.

No, I didn't hear it?

Are you trying to call me a liar?

I don't even see how you could

cheat on me with your toddler penis.

I hope you had a good time.

The next time you come back,

I'm gonna get medieval on your ass.

I got a sword, I got an ax,

a box of bullets,

and I'm gonna get both of my babies'

daddies to jump on that ass!

What does she gotta have

both of them for?

Shut up!

Like I was sayin', if they

build a titty bar across the street,

I ain't never goin' home.

You couldn't go home

if you wanted to.

You act like you know

what you're doing.

Please, man.

Now watch this. Balance.

No. Balance.

Balance.

What is all that Circus Dee Soleil

that you're doin'?

All that flippity hippity

stompity stoobily-doo.

It ain't necessary

to cut nobody head.

What's up, dawg?

I don't get the "I"?

Come on, dawg.

You know I gotta have the "I."

Stop playin'.

- Where do you want it?

- Right here.

Tight!

That mess ain't right.

I want my rent money on the first.

Not the second, not...

Hold on, let me finish my thought.

Not the second,

'cause I'm not the bad guy here.

Am I the bad guy here?

Come here.

Check it out, little man.

One thing you're gonna constantly

have to deal with in your life,

and that's broke-ass

black folks.

They gonna be hard to spot

'cause they dressed real nice.

Don't let that fool you,

'cause the nicer they dress,

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