Barbershop 2: Back in Business Page #9

If you don't knock the fork

out of my hand,

I won't knock the spear

out of yours, okay, Somalia?

Eddie, get me that chicken tamale

and strawberry shake special.

Get old Checkers a ham and cheese

on some honky bread,

mustard, hold the mayo.

Get me a Mountain Dew

and chopped salad.

I'll take some chili fries,

onion rings,

and a pot pie with egg on it.

Okay, that's gonna be

three orders of "Hell, no"

and two sides

of "Ask your mama"

and a large cup

of "Negro, please. "

Grumpy old man.

Hey, Big C, where you headed?

Nowhere.

Just got a little business to handle.

I'll be back.

And when they build all this stuff,

they make it totally unaffordable

for the people

who live here to stay here.

Now, we're South Side people

with South Side money,

and that ain't much.

So I'm against the proposed

Quality Land development project

on 79th and Exchange.

You tell it, sister!

That's right!

Very good!

That's right!

Quiet. Okay.

Before we adjourn

and make our decision,

is there anyone else who'd like

to be heard on this matter?

Let's get this thing over with.

I'd like to say somethin'.

Sir.

- What's he gonna say?

- Shut up. Shut up.

A little nervous.

I haven't felt like this

since I met my wife's pops.

My name is Calvin Palmer.

I own Calvin's Barbershop

over on 79th.

Been there since 1958.

And all I'd like to say

is that all change isn't bad.

Who can argue with progress?

Better schools, cleaner streets...

something we need

on the South Side.

And I want the best for my son

just like my parents

wanted the best for me.

So some change on 79th

is well-needed

and well-deserved.

Oh, yeah.

Also, I'm happy that people

outside our community

are starting to find the value

in our neighborhoods.

But...

if that means selling our soul

just to make a quick buck,

I ain't with that sh*t.

It's not worth it.

That's why I'm not sellin' out...

...like some people I know.

Sir, do you know

why Jesus wept?

No. No, I don't.

Well, when Lazarus died,

Martha and Mary,

they cried over his body.

When Jesus sawtheir pain,

he couldn't help but cry, too.

So that's why Jesus wept.

That's how I feel when I look

at people like Hank Tolliver

and Gertrude Rose

and Miss Emma

bein' driven out...

...'cause they don't fit the plan

of the new developers.

We gotta realize that people

make this community,

not $5 coffees

and $20 mugs.

It's the people.

And once you lose the people,

you lose the neighborhood.

So if I had to say,

I would deny

Quality Land Development's

proposal to tear up 79th

because it just ain't worth it.

Thank you.

That's my friend!

That's my friend!

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Palmer.

We'll take a brief recess

and we'll come back with our decision.

You're through.

You know that, don't you?

- That was beautiful, man.

- Thanks.

- How much they offer you?

- Not enough.

We have reached

a unanimous decision.

The proposal

from Quality Land Development

has been approved.

This meeting is over.

What have you done?

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Money, money, money!

What in the world

you people thinkin' about?

Well, I'll be.

How you gonna leave town

without givin' my ring back?

I've been lookin'

for your ass for 35 years.

And I've been carrying

that cheap-ass thing with me

'cause I knew

that's all you wanted.

Cheap? You saddity ho,

give me my sh*t.

- You ain't changed.

- You ain't, either.

Piece of sh*t, my ass.

- Come here, girl.

- No, you come here.

- You come here.

- No, you come here.

- Get your butt over here.

- No, you come here.

Look at you.

Lord have mercy.

You look good.

You look pretty, too.

- Don't make me chase your ass again.

- I like when you chase me.

I been 35 years

chasin' after you.

You still got that mattress

on the floor?

What you thinkin'?

We might be able to get down there.

I don't know if we gonna get up.

Nothin' to worry about.

They ain't even real Chicago barbers.

- Mornin', fellas.

- Mornin', young fellow.

- You finally got a day off?

- I quit.

- They fired you?

- No, no.

You know you got fired.

Look at you...

your shirt's still smokin'.

No, I quit on principle.

Politics ain't my thing.

What's going on here?

Look at you.

Well, lookit here.

If it ain't Bobby and Whitney.

Don't try

the opposite-direction thing.

Richard and I are just friends.

"Richard. "

It's "Richard" at work

and "Big Daddy" in the bedroom.

Listen, little man, I got a daddy.

I don't need another one.

So keep your mouth shut

before I punch you in it.

She's back.

- What you doin' here?

- He got fired.

I did not get fired.

All right, fellas, how you doin'?

Clown.

Clown!

Well, Jimmy,

first chair is open.

Your old chair is open.

Quiet as it's kept.

I don't know how long

we gonna be open.

We gonna find out today.

- Hey, Calvin.

- Good morning.

All right!

My chair open.

Come on.

Snap.

What the hell he do?

Well, I'll be da...

Hold on. Where the hell

is my uterus?

In the Dumpster

with the rest of that mess.

If we goin' out,

we goin' out like us.

That's right.

- We back, Big C?

- Yup.

- What you doin' here?

- He got fired.

- Whatever.

- You quit?

I ain't a politician.

- Don't tell me you quit.

- What was I supposed to do?

Is Lalowe Brown

the only politician in Chicago?

Listen, Cal...

Don't even worry about it.

Don't worry about it.

Good to have you back.

Good to be back.

Archie Bunker and George Jefferson

back together again.

- Respect, man.

- All right, respect.

Yo, what's up?

- What's happenin', y'all?

- What's goin' on?

Can somebody tighten me up?

Come on over here, Wakefield.

Sit down.

Serve you right.

What's up, Cal?

What's up, y'all?

Quick lineup?

What's happenin'?

I got you, playboy.

Calvin, I like

what you said yesterday.

What's up, man?

Dinka, can you hook me up?

Yes, sir.

No problem.

Leave my customers alone.

That's Rick's.

Hey, Rick, I'm next with you.

All right.

Whatever you want here.

It looks to me

like the village has spoken.

It's okay.

Just a minor setback.

Minor.

We can get through this.

"We"?

Young man, you're on your own.

Remember that.

Hey, Isaac, play somethin'.

Anything but R. Kelly. Please.

Somethin' wrong with that boy.

He need some serious help.

We ain't listenin' to no R. Kelly.

Hold, now. Don't start

talkin' about R. Kelly.

I saw the tape.

Y'all see the tape?

- Yeah, I saw the tape.

- How that boy gonna say it ain't him?

You can't believe everything.

The media likes to spin stuff.

- That was him.

- You don't know.

- I think he was set up.

- He was set up.

He set up the camera.

That's what he did!

He had his head so far

up that girl's behind,

you thought it was Groundhog Day.

But that ain't him.

It ain't just him.

Michael Jackson... his problem

is he got a Ferris wheel.

How you gonna be a pedophile

with a Ferris wheel?

Kobe Bryant... everybody thought

he was Mr. Goody Two-shoes.

Come to find out

he ain't have on no shoes.

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