Barry Munday

Tortilla chips

are on my lips

And no one's pressed

against my hips

Bad beat poet

late at night

The city gets bright,

I can't see

The neon lights

don't work on me

I am no watcher

in the fight

Charlie says

Nobody's got

A strange

and hidden power and

No one is really

beautiful

They're all just

Mediocre men of the hour

Mediocre models

of the hour

Mediocre men

You take me places

and you make cool faces

When our sex erases

The lonely past

And you found me

when I was first

And 10 against 11 men

Who could kick my ass

But anyway

It's probably

Gonna pass.

Barry, are you awake?

Honey, just relax.

Doctor says everything's

gonna be just fine.

Until that day,

I couldn't imagine living

for anything other than women.

You see,

there's a moment that exists

at the edge

of sexual success

for which

there is no equal...

the addictive seconds

just after uncertainty

and immediately preceding

touching the gold.

It's Christmas.

It's with this

in mind

that I relate

the events leading to

the involuntary removal

of my testicles.

- Yep. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. No, that's

gonna be great.

We can do that.

I don't know how you do it, Lucy.

Do what?

Look like a model.

A supermodel, actually.

A super-duper model.

Hey, I don't know what

you got goin' on later,

but I was thinkin'

of hittin' the happy hour

over at Chili's.

Got a workout partner...

I don't date people

at my workplace.

Who said date?

TGIF.

Maybe not...

maybe not Chili's.

Everpea has got

this really rad nacho bar.

Why don't you

date people at your work?

I just don't.

You just...

You're probably right.

You're smart.

It's a smart idea.

You got beauty

and brains.

You guys fall in love,

and then have babies.

Beautiful babies

with blue eyes.

TGIF.

All right.

What's up, Denise?

- Hey, you don't like nachos?

- Mm-mm.

No no no. I do!

Nacho time for me!

My dossbag, my sack

The family bling-bling

When I'm jumpin'

up and down

On my trampoline

To the belly button

and a slap to the taint

Rushin' to my head,

I think I'm gonna faint...

- What's up?

- Where you been?

Thought I had a possibility.

My tires are stinky.

What?

That's a catchphrase,

somethin' I'm workin' on.

- How we lookin'?

- Sh*t, place is a hatchery. It's stupid.

- I wanna be an architect.

- Whoa, over there.

See it? Dress suit, sneakers.

Work hard, play hard.

I could go back to school, be an architect.

People like architects.

Dude, what

are you talkin' about?

You make really good

money at yourjob.

I just... I just...

I don't think insurance is,

like, all that interesting,

you know, as a lifestyle.

- Whoa.

- Caught 'em peekin'.

- You ready? Let's rock 'n' roll.

- Sweet.

Hey, so if they ask,

I'm gonna tell 'em I'm an architect.

Oh hey, tell 'em

I work with kids.

Hold these.

No no, seriously,

I used to get beat up

like twice a week

for having such thick eyelashes.

- Is that your card?

- Oh, no.

All the way to the seventh grade,

and that's when I decided

that's it, and I went

for my black belt.

Is that your card?

- No.

- No.

- That's so sad.

- Yeah.

- I'd kill for those.

- Well, now yeah, sure.

- Is that your card?

- Yes!

Oh my God,

that is incredible!

That's what we do.

Oh my God.

How'd you do that?

Come on.

Did you have that

in your mouth the whole time?

What is that?

Oh, it's my kitty cat.

Mmm, it is sparkly

and beautiful.

Thanks.

Are you

a cat person?

I love cats.

- Yeah?

- Meow.

- I love p*ssy...

- What?

...cats too.

Excuse me,

you want me to close out

your tab, sir?

Sir?

Somebody's dad show up?

Do you want me to put this

on your daddy's card?

- Uh...

no, you can

just close it out.

Awesome.

Fine.

Wow.

So what do you two do?

- We're architects.

- Cool.

Wow.

I love buildings.

Barry...

I'm married.

We could just

mess around here if you want.

Okay.

Who's the coolest guy

in the world?

His name is Barry

Barry Munday

The coolest dude

I know

Barry Munday

The coolest dude

I know

Know know

He's sweet

and he loves the ladies

'Cause he's

the baddest mofo

Of all time

'Cause he's a sweet,

sweet dude

And he knows

how to rock 'n' roll.

I don't know.

Thank you.

Hi.

Excuse me, sir.

Oh, sure.

Sir?

Okay.

- Can I help you?

- Yes, please.

Coffee.

No Duds.

That's my candy.

- I'll have a soda.

- Okay.

Dos.

It's ridiculous how much soda

costs these days, right?

Like, what do I buy,

soda or a sofa?

Yeah.

Well, it was nice

talkin' to you.

- You don't want to sit with me?

- Well, uh...

I guess.

I'm a down front

kind of guy.

No no no no.

Seven rows from the back,

and four in

from the left.

That's pretty

specific.

Yeah, it's sort of OCD,

but screw it.

I like what I like,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, I do.

I almost always,

after I click my lock

a couple times on my door...

So, Barry, what do you do?

Architecture.

Hmm.

Barry,

if I told you right now

that you would

never ever ever

get your hand

down my pants,

would you

still talk to me?

Talk about what?

Hey, uh...

What the hell's goin' on?

Dad, what are

you doing here?

Dad? Sir...

I do remember thinking

why would a dude

bring a trumpet into a movie theater?

Barry?

Barry, can you

tell us what happened?

We were talking

about architecture.

Barry, I'm sorry to be the one

to have to tell you,

but we couldn't

save them.

Save who?

Oh, Barry,

your testes.

Testicles.

We had to remove both.

We really tried

to save the left one,

but it was simply

too ruptured.

It seems that during

the accident with the...

- Uh, trumpet.

...trumpet.

What are you saying?

You're saying

I lost my what?

Amnesia.

- Did I lose my...

- Whoa.

...you know?

- Penis?

- No.

You really don't remember

what happened to you down there?

We were talking

about architecture.

Get out of there.

This is kinda like

when you had your tonsils out.

Well, kinda.

Alone...

On my own...

Oh honey,

that's binding.

I don't know nothin'...

Thanks, Mom.

Must be stupid

or somethin'...

About love.

I wore that

on Saturday night, right?

And I'm standing outside,

and all these guys

were like

looking at me,

and they're like,

"Best habitat ever."

Where have you been, mister?

- Lida, l...

- Relax.

I forgive you.

I guess I forgot to

mention my girlfriend Lida Griggs

was out of town

when the incident occurred.

It's a long story,

but we don't see each other

for sometimes weeks

or months at a time.

I need to borrow

your alarm clock.

Pretty sure we don't

really like each other.

Let's go, lover.

We're going to try something

new today, lover.

Lida, ah, why don't we

just watch a movie?

Shh.

- Lida, l...

- All tight?

Yeah.

But we should

talk first.

Why don't we start

by talking about...

this?

I found it in your car

when I was looking

for my lavender and

vanilla body souffl.

Lida, listen...

- Is it true?

- Um...

- Did you show her your penis?

- What?

- You whore!

- No, Lida...

- Did you let her play with this?

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