Barrymore Page #5

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Each marriage lasted seven

years, like a skin rash.

My troubles didn't come

from chasing women.

They come from

catching them.

Everyone wants to put

halos over my unworthy

head and then hold them

up with broomsticks.

Everyone except Ned.

For Ned Sheldon I don't

need a goddamned halo.

Oh, Ned.

What made you my friend?

What made you stoop to

serve this wretch, this

counterfeit of a man?

He was always trying to

save me, but I never listened.

And now, I'm lost...

Seeking a way, and

straying from the way;

Not knowing how to find the

open air, But toiling

desperately to find it out,...

And from that torment

I will free myself,

Or hew my way out

with a bloody axe.

Why, I can smile, and

murder whiles I smile;

And cry content to that

which grieves my heart;

And frame my face

to all occasions.

I'll drown more sailors

than the mermaid shall;

I'll play the orator

as well as Nestor;

Deceive more slyly than Ulysses

could; And, like a Sinon,

take another Troy; I can

add colours to the chameleon;

Change shapes with

Proteus for advantages;

And set the murderous

Machiavel to school.

Can I do this, and

cannot get a crown?

Tut, were it further

off, I...

I'll pluck it down!

Where's the nearest

toilet, Frank?

Just off stage right, sir?

Thank you.

Down one flight...

Yes.

And past the stage door.

Nowhere closer?

An open window, perchance?

A sink? A cuspidor?

A jardinire? A potted palm?

You will forgive

me for a brief interval?

This is after all, an emergency.

Shine out, fair sun, till

I have bought a glass,

That I may see my

shadow as I piss!

Pass!

Pass!

To be, or not to be -

that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler

in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows

of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against

a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them.

To die, to sleep -

No more - and by a

sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the

thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to.

'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished.

To die, to sleep -

To sleep-perchance to

dream;

ay, there's the rub.

Mr. Barrymore?

Are you ready?

Persistent gnat.

When you first came to

London, you were the most

beautiful thing that London

had ever seen, weren't you?

And everyone wanted

you didn't they?

But you wouldn't let them

have you, would you?

Wynken, Blynken and

Nod one night...

Frank, I'm paying

you to prompt me!

You're paying me?

Don't get cute, Frank.

I don't care

about the money.

What?

I just want you

to do Richard.

How can I do it,

unless you prompt me?

I have been prompting you.

Then, I can't hear you.

What?

You're on the wrong side.

Yes. I don't like you there.

I like you over there.

You should be

on stage right.

No wonder I'm

forgetting lines.

It's all your fault.

Oh, stupid boy!

Hie thee to stage right

forthwith, or by my troth,

I'll knock your leek

about your pate.

Gotcha!

Gotcha.

Impudent jackanapes.

The Great Profile is

not this side... but this.

Say, who started the

notion... big nose, big dick?

Queen Johanna of Naples!

Jumbo Johanna.

A lady of

unbridled lust...

sized up a man's nose,

and if she liked what she

saw, brazenly groped him,

while murmuring in his ear,

"Nasatorum peculio. "

Latin for "big

nose, big hose. "

Well Frank, have

you landed yet?

Ready when you are, sir.

Ready.

Richard's in his tent.

Right.

It's the night

before the battle.

Right. What battle?

Bosworth field.

Right.

Is this all the light

we're gonna get?

It's all we can

get for now sir.

Sound ready to go?

Yes, sir.

Then, give me

some wind, Frank.

Not a typhoon, bring it down...

come on, bring it down.

That's better.

You're supposed

to be asleep. Sir.

Oh.

Get me started.

But you didn't say "line. "

I'm asleep.

What's next?

The ghosts appear...

Yes.

The ghosts vanish...

Yeah.

Richard wakes.

Give me another horse!

Bind up my wounds!

Let's get outta here!

No, that's not right.

Cut!

Let's start again.

Quiet on the set!

Is this my close-up?

What lens is that...

a 75?

Don't forget the filter.

Quiet! Roll 'em.

Give me another horse!

How many horses

does this guy need?

Will someone

throw me a line?

A line! A line!

My kingdom for a line!

I can't see the goddammed

blackboards from here.

My career's gonna be right

down here with the sh*t,

if I don't get this right.

Come on, Jack. Pull

yourself together.

Quiet! Roll'em.

I turn my body

from the sun.

Towards thee I roll,

thou all destroying but

unconquering whale.

Whale?

Who the hell that?

Ahab? Jekyll? Hyde?

I remember nothing, I see

nothing, I hear nothing,

I dream of nothing but

Svengali, Svengali,

Svengali, Svengali!

My ghosts.

Are you lost,

Mr. Barrymore?

Do they sell flowers

on Mother's Day.

Yes, I'm lost.

Wherefore...

"Wherefore" is

the cue, sir.

Oh. "Wherefore" is the cue.

Well, give it a little

louder sweetheart.

We can't hear you.

So far I've only needed a

hundred and six prompts.

Where the hell did you

get this goddamned thing?

RKO.

RKO?

Well, it's too small.

Or my head's too big.

My temples are throbbing

like hell.

Perchance it is tomorrow

morning's hangover

making a premature

appearance.

Oh God, Frank.

I had the most frightening

thought while sitting

on the can.

What was that?

If I don't pay alimony

next month, can my wives

repossess me?

Well, can they?

I doubt it, sir.

I sincerely hope you're

right, Frank, because

I consider it the

most exorbitant of stud fees.

And the worst

feature of it is...

you pay retroactively.

I spend my entire life

trying to scare off the

hyenas snapping at my

heels with writs and

summonses, waiting to tear

every last bit of flesh

from my battered bones.

Quite frankly, Frank,

I've been pauperized.

Fortunately, I have

enough money to last me

the rest of my life,

provided I drop

dead right now.

You must have

been a beautiful baby,

You must have been a

wonderful child.

When you were only

startin, to go to

kindergarten, I bet you

drove the little boys wild...

And when it came to

winning blue ribbons,

You must have shown the other

kids how, I can see the

judges' eyes as they

handed you the prize I bet

you made the cutest bow.

Oh! You must have been a beautiful baby,

'Cause baby look at you now...

Have you noticed that

Wagner had the decency to

write his Wedding March

in the tempo of a dirge?

But the truth is, I could fall

in love again, just like that.

The one thing in the world that

still excites me is a woman.

How divine a thing.

How I miss them.

Most of all, wife

number three.

Beautiful Dolores.

She made such a success of

our marriage, I had to get out.

But, between you, me

and the lamppost,

I wasn't good enough for

any of my wives.

But I didn't tell them.

I let it come

as a surprise.

Frank, you wouldn't by any

chance have something to

drink, would you?

'Scuse me, sir?

A little tonsillar

lubrication?

What?

Something to

wet my whistle.

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