Bean Page #2

GARETH:

Maybe it would be simpler to pack all our paintings onto trucks and

move the entire National Gallery somewhere else. And not tell him.

HUBERT:

Seconded. We could all move to France.

GEORGE:

All those in favour.

They all raise their hands wildly.

LORD WALTON:

Come on - settle down everyone.

CUT TO:

INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. ELEVATOR - DAY

BEAN stands in the elevator silently with four other people. He gives

himself a long squirt of breathfreshener. Then offers it to the

others, who politely refuse him. So he stands still again. Pause.

BEAN then smells something unpleasant. He leans and has a little sniff

of the person to his left. All right there. Then he sniffs to his

right, and reels at what he smells. He again takes out the breath

freshener, and forces it upon VINCENT, an elderly gentleman, who is

mortified.

At this moment the elevator stops - BEAN and VINCENT get out and the

camera follows VINCENT as he heads for the boardroom door and enters.

He is another trustee. This dialogue is heard from behind the closed

door.

VINCENT:

I'm sorry I'm late.

GARETH:

Why can't we just give him the boot for crying out loud?!

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VINCENT:

Steady on, old man. I only ...

GARETH:

Not you, you idiot.

CUT TO:

INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. CORRIDOR - DAY

BEAN, with cup of tea, walks along a corridor. He can't not interfere

for tidiness sake. One empty room he switches off the light. Another

he shuts the door.

He passes a computer room, with an open door where a big man is busily

typing in a programme - BEAN looks at him snootily and heads on.

He approaches the door to his office. A sign reads: 'STORAGE &

CATALOGUE'. There is a huge padlock on the door. BEAN takes out a big

key and enters his domain.

CUT TO:

INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. STORAGE OFFICE - DAY.

BEAN enters. He's been here for years and made it his own. It's an

odd little world. There's a framed picture of Shirley Bassey on his

desk and Airfix planes hang from the ceiling. Also a large cosy

armchair and a T.V.

A pleasant Man in a suit, around 40, breezes in.

SUIT MAN:

Ah Bean, I'm looking for a painting by Van Hocht. Still Life. Circa

1670. Can do?

BEAN nods. This is what BEAN likes to do best. The camera follows as

he turns sees the extraordinary sight behind him...

His office is just a tiny corner of a massive storage room, hundreds of

feet high and long, the walls completely full of rack after rack of

stored paintings. At the end of the room, we can see hundreds of

sculptures:
busts, modern abstracts, men on horses, classical maidens,

Rodins, the lot. It's like the giant storehouse at the end of 'Raiders

of the Lost Ark.

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BEAN sets off into it in his own eccentric way. He knows exactly where

heels going. He climbs a ladder, like you find in a library - then

pushes himself off, and whizzes the entire length of the room on

slippery wooden runners.

He has now reached the sculpture area, but the painting heels looking

for is on the other side. He crosses the room by using the sculptures

as a kind of artistic obstacle course. In front of him is the Burghers

of Calais, a Rodin statue of 5 prisoners in chains. He simply walks

across their 5 heads, like stones in a stream.

He then comes to an abstract modern piece, which he uses as a slide and

at the end of which, he crawls through the hole in the next modern

thing. He then begins to climb up various famous ancient statues,

using the mouths as footholes, breasts as support, codpieces as steps

and empty eyes as finger holes.

After a problem getting his. foot caught in the jaw of a sculptured

dog, he walks flat along a modern sculpture, then uses a sequence of

classic sculptures as stairs - on the head of a little Degas ballerina,

one step on to the bottom of a horse, two steps onto the head of the

person riding the horse, three steps and now he's on the other side of

the hall.

He then triumphantly pulls out a painting. It's the one!,

SUIT MAN:

What would we do without you! The entire inventory of British Art

stored in that one, curious brain of yours.

BEAN beams.

INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. BOARDROOM - DAY

GARETH:

Then we are agreed, gentlemen. He goes.

VINCENT:

Only if we're positive that the new catalogue database will render Mr.

Bean's hitherto 'talents' obsolete.

HUBERT:

There's no question.

8

LORD WALTON:

Very well. Mr Bean is.... art history. We can all stop taking the

pills.

A reserved smatter of laughter, from relief more than anything. LORD

W. talks into an intercom on the table.

LORD WALTON:

Miss Hutchinson, would you send Mr. Bean up to the boardroom, please.

MISS HUTCHINSON:

(V/O )

Yes sir. oh, and Lord Walton, the Grierson Gallery called again.

LORD WALTON:

Thank you. (To the room) One final thing. Once again we have been

invited by the Grierson Gallery of Southern California to second one of

our staff for a short visit. The Grierson has a fairly modest

collection - but it does include the most famous American painting of

all, 'Whistler's Mother'. Any thoughts?

Cut to the trustees - they shake their heads and wrinkle, their noses,

not very interested. A 106 year old SIR RUPERT puts up his hand.

LORD WALTON:

Yes. Sir Rupert. And may I say sir, how honoured we are that you

still grace us with all your time, wisdom, and infinite knowledge.

Your invaluable thoughts, sir?

SIR RUPERT:

Could you speak up please. I didn't catch the question.

CUT TO:

INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. STORAGE OFFICE - DAY

Back in his office area BEAN ceremoniously hands SUIT MAN the Van Hocht

painting. He's very proud of himself.

SUIT MAN:

Thank you, Bean. You're a genius.

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BEAN laughs - delighted. SUIT MAN exits and MISS HUTCHINSON enters,

warily.

MISS HUTCHINSON:

Mr. Bean. Lord Walton would like to see you in the boardroom.

BEAN gives a little pleasured squeak. How exciting for him. He

follows MISS HUTCHINSON out into the corridor.

CUT TO:

INT. NATIONAL GALLERY. CORRIDOR. DAY

BEAN walks along the same corridor as before. Turns off another light.

Then comes to the room where he saw the Programmer. The computer,

showing a Van Gogh portrait, is on and no-one's there. BEAN, who hates

wasted electricity, goes in to switch it off.

We see the Van Gogh change to a pictorial representation of the Storage

room - with an arrow pointing to where the Van Gogh is located. BEAN

is clearly going to be replaced by this programme. Or not ... BEAN

searches for the plug, but it's under acres of desk - so he simply

pulls a cable out of the back the computer. The entire system clicks

off. At which moment the Programmer comes back in.

PROGRAMMER:

What's happening here?

BEAN:

Ahm...

With a slightly guilty smile he picks up the cable again looks with

puzzlement at the five available places to plug it in and just takes a

random guess. And a disastrous one. There is a ugly electrical

fizzle. The screens come on white, then pop out completely.

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