Beautiful Thing

Right! Now!

This is Mr. Bennett, and he's going to be

taking the boys for football.

Mr. Bennett foolishly wants to be a teacher.

-Look at the f***ing shell suit, man.

-F***ing wanker.

-I don't f***ing believe it.

-F***ing yeah.

What you f***ing looking at?

Er, less f***ing and more attention please.

Something you might have said

to your boyfriend that, Gina.

Right, girls, onto the other pitch with me.

Come on.

-You, boy. Why aren't you playing?

-Forgot me kit.

Don't make him play, sir,

he's sh*t.

Balls, Mr. Bennett!

Right.

Look, I want you joining in, yeah?

-You ain't playing, Gangel.

-F*** off, McBride.

Ste! Come on.

Oi! What's his name?

Hugh, sir. Hugh Janus.

Hugh Janus (Huge Anus),

get back here now!

Hugh Janus!

Janus, are you deaf?

Oright, Sandra?

Slag!

What happened?

-School burnt down, did it?

-Yeah.

Oh, what was it this time then?

IRA bomb?

-Fundamentalist Muslim Pyromaniacs.

-Oh funny that,

looked all right when I walked past it.

-Yeah. Funny that.

Look, you're not too old to be taken over my knee,

young man, d'you hear me?

-The whole o'bloody Thamesmead can hear you.

-Yeah, well..

-You have gotta start doing your games!!

-Why?

Coz you have, that's why!

-Who says? -I says!

-I hate football!

-You never used to!

Well, I do now!

You know what I'm gonna do now, duntcha?

Juggle with 'em?

You know what they'll do, don't you!

They'll put you into care. They'll say,

'She's an unfit mother, bang 'im

into one o'them homes, coz I mean,

she can't even get him to do his PE.'

That's what they'll do.

She's throwing away everything I was saving

for me kids. Books, toys.

-I don't want kids.

-Kids are c*nts.

-Anyone been calling you names?

-Like what?

-I dunno. Stumpy?

-No.

-I told you it's stop.

-I know.

-I told you you'd grow. You never take the

blindest bit o'notice of me, do you?

-I do!

-Oh yeah?

Well, how comes every Wednesday afternoon

without fail you're standing there?

-I've told you.

-Oh, have you!!

Call the village band out.

Bid me goodbye.

-What you doing?

-Singing.

-What?

-I'm just a girl who can't say no!!

Heard of Mama Cass?

No, sing it.

-What?

-Go on.

-No way.

-I won't laugh.

Call the village band out.

Bid me goodbye.

Everyone stand outside and cry.

Never thought so many

Thought me so dear.

I'd be happy any place but here.

One way ticket take me anywhere,

Northbound, southbound,

I don't even care.

I know the grass is greener there.

Well, keep going!

-Might persuade him to get back to school!

-Libs!

-It's not natural, isn't it?

-What ain't?

For a girl her age to be into Mama Cass.

She's got a really beautiful voice!

And whassamatter with Madonna?!

She's a slag!

Hypocrite!

-Oright, Ste?!

-Ste!! Oright?

Yous two been bunking off together,

have you?

Not together, no.

-Oright, Mrs. Gangel?

-Well, it's nice to see someone can stay at school for the full day.

-We had football today.

-It's the wrong season for football, innit?

-Student teacher.

-Ah, is that the problem?

-No.

-Well, what is then?!

-I best get in.

-Ah, Ste...

I'm doing the tea.

Stick it on, then come back out here.

Bubble and squeak, Leah.

You can't leave bubble and squeak.

Gotta watch it , like a hawk.

Don't that make you fart,

bubble and squeak?

Only if you've got a fat arse.

There was a phone-in this morning on Richard and Judy

about delinquent children.

I shoulda rung in.

-I'm going in.

-See ya, Ste.

-Well, whose fault is it then? Eh?

-The system.

I am a victim of the education...thingamabob.

Wasteland.

You're a victim of your own big mouth more like.

Leah, love, get in here and

peel some taters for tea, will ya?

Kiss my arse.

You! Indoors,

she's a bad influence.

She's a bad influence!

-Right, you don't peel no taters

you don't get no tea.

Jamie!

Rainbow's gone anyway.

-That'll be the phone.

-Well, it wouldn't be the bloody Hoover bag, would it!

Yeah, I know. I know Miss Chauhan.

But see, Miss Chauhan...

He's got a really funny tummy.

You know?

I mean...he really wanted to do football today

but he got taken short, see.

And when he got to the boy's loos,

it was all locked up...inexplicably.

So he had a little accident,

you know.

Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't agree

with you more, Miss Chauhan.

I mean, when I was at school I was reserve captain

of the Under Sixteens' netball team,

so I can appreciate, yeah, the like,

value of exercise and sport.

I mean, I would hate you to think

this was any reflection on me myself.

I'm going to work.

There's a cheese salad in the fridge,

and the one with the beetroot's for Tony.

I don't need a babysitter.

I know what you need.

Shooting!

-I heard that!

-Yeah, well..

you could hear a zit burst in Australia,

you, couldn't you?

If you shot me you'd have to

go to prison and live off gruel.

Don't tempt me.

I'll be checking your homework

when I get in, so be warned.

Oi, Rose!

At a boy, Ste!

Get her to turn it down, will ya?

What d'you think I'm tryina do?

Me ole man's tryina get some kip in there!

Yeah, and I'm tryina make chips!

She's locked herself in her bloody room, ant she?

Leah!!!

-I'm on tablets, you know.

-Can I get in and try?

I give up.

Leah! Leah!

This is my idol!

Leah, love, spare a thought for

all the nice people who live round here!

Some of them don't like Mama Cass,

you know!

Well, they should!

Leah, please!

Oh I suppose I should be glad

it's not techno...acidic...

housey housey...pop...trash.

Leah!!!

What's all the bloody noise?

It's her, she can't control her kids!

I've only got the one, you know!

Just as bloody well!

Rose, turn that bleeding racket down,

will ya?

D'you think I'm enjoying this?

Leah!

Oi! Mush!

Is that Trevor?

You only had to ask, Trevor.

You know I'd do anything for you.

Or..to you.

I wouldn't touch it with his.

See you later!

Thank you, Trevor.

Trevor! Trevor!

Your mum told me straight, you know.

Problems. Been there.

Walking cross the park, game going on,

my heart, you know, races.

Scared. Jamie.

Scared of the ball coming,

you know, near me.

Hey, we can fight this together.

Fancy a knockabout?

No, me neither. But some time, yeah?

It looks like fried shite.

Trevor, make us a sandwich.

-But...

-Trevor!

F***in'ell!

I can't eat all that.

Where d'you meet my mum?

Planet earth.

Where?

Oh, you know, out and about,

here and there.

What's a place?

It's somewhere where, you know,

sh*t happens.

Yeah, but where?

Gateways.

She turn you on?

Sure.

She's thirty-five!

What's age? Age is just...

a number. You know?

Mum said you was a painter.

I know why she chose you,

she needs the lounge done.

Only had it painted last year.

Like that, my mum,

goes off things fast.

She might go off you. Won't be laughing then, will you?

Is that a spliff?

Give us some.

-Hey.

-What?

Your mum's gonna be all right.

Dry Martini and lemonade please.

Pint o'Pilsner.

Lou? Ho served her?

I dunno.

You. Out! You're underage.

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