Beautiful Thing Page #2

I'm only drinking Coke!

You'll be drinking blood

when I slap your face, now move it.

Oh, you're so hard.

Was that a threat?

Yeah, and here's another..

Get out before I call your childminder.

Oh, come on, Slasher. I can't be arsed.

Slasher? What d'you slash?

Crpe paper?

He's incontinent!

Sandra!!

Louise taking care of you, Mr. Barr?

Of course..A word.

Jamie, how old are you?

Old enough. How old are you?

Twenty-seven.

Not old enough to be your dad. Right?

What?

Sure...

What?

It's just..sh*t, innit?

What?

The whole..concept. Yeah.

Anyway, I think we should just like..

move towards getting away from all that.

Right?

Please, Trevor, I'm sorry.

You'll breeze it, princess. Unless

you really balls it up, the job's yours.

What sort of questions will they ask?

You're interviewing for a new barmaid.

You got three birds up for one job.

You say, 'If you find a fiver on the floor

at the end of the night, what d'you do with it?'

First bird goes, 'I'd hang onto it then ask

round the next night to see if anyone's lost it.'

Second bird goes, 'I'd out it in the till.'

Third bird goes, I'd pocket it.

Finders keepers.'

Who d'you give the job to?

The one with the biggest tits!

I'd bet me own flat..

be down Stringfellows every night.

I'd get a big drug problem.

I'd get me own miniature poodle..

and I'd get a make-over. You could do

all that if you had your own pub.

I haven't even had the interview yet.

One of these days I'm going to

dripping in money, I am.

-Right, this is me. See you tomorrow, babes.

-See you, love!

Ste?!

Ste..

I'm not going back there.

I know, love.

Tony, make him a sandwich.

What?

Tony!

What's it to be?

Pastrami and fettuccine on rye?

Tony.

Just make him a sandwich please.

You'll have to top and tail with Jamie,

I'm afraid.

Ronnie!! Trevor?!

It's me Sandra!!

Your little Steven's round

at our place tonight.

I've every mind to report you Ronnie?

Are you listening to me?

This is Sandra here and I'm not happy!

F*** off, you meddling c*nt!!

This has got to stop!

What are you reading then?

Er, it's me mum's.

Oh, yeah?

I've seen that in the shop.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-What bit you reading?

-It's about Sally from Coronation Street.

What, the blonde one?

Yeah.

Says her real name's Sally an' all.

-What, in real life as well as on the telly?

-Yeah, I hate that name.

D'you always wear glasses when you read?

-Supposed to.

-You don't in school.

-Hardly fetching, is it?

-Nah, looks all right.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm telling ya.

-How's your sandwich?

-Cheese and salad. Bang-on food.

-Good for your spots, that.

-That's right. Good for your spots an' all.

-You haven't got any spots.

-Yours are clearing up.

Cheers.

D'you fancy that Sally?

Not really.

Do you?

Haven't given it much thought really.

D'you fancy her next door?

-Fancy Leah?

-She fancies you.

- Don't!

-I'm only saying.

Jamie!

You goin' sleep?

-Yeah, I'm knackered.

-I'll turn the light off.

Ste?

Mm?

You oright?

Yeah.

Right.

Ste?

What?

Night.

Night, Jamie.

The second applicant says,

'I'd put it in the till.'

The third applicant says,

'I'd keep it for myself.'

'Finders keepers.'

To whom would you offer the job?

Well, it's obvious, innit?

The bird with the biggest tits.

Though seriously I'd have to say

I'd be more keen on the third applicant.

At least I'd know

where I stood with her.

You have children, Mrs. Gangel?

That's an easy one. Yeah, a son.

Jamie. He's ever so nice.

I really f***ed that up,

didn't I?

You'll hear soon, princess.

Yo!

Pervert.

Sorry?

I think you'll find the word pervert

is a serious no-no.

Anyone who goes out with that ole slapper

has to be a pervert.

Come again?

Your bird.

Sandra?

She talks to me like

I got c*nt written on my forehead.

You shouldn't use words like bird.

You wanna watch yourself.

Sandra's got a reputation.

I'm saying nothing.

Anyone got a match?

Yeah, my arse your face.

Your arse ain't that nice, love.

Oh, grow up.

Oi! Linda Lusardi!

Get in here and cover yourself up!

Get us me ball back!

Get it yourself!

You okay today, Ste?

Yeah

I went to have a look at a new school today.

There's only twenty kids in the whole place.

There'll be twenty-two if you go.

You and Mama Cass.

-Is it residential?

-No.

Shame.

Coulda given you an 'and packing.

Coulda packed that fat b*tch

and her music an'all.

You shouldn't speak ill of the dead!

Ere, shame how she died.

-How did she die?

-Choking on a sandwich!

Now you know why I tell you

not to gobble your chips down.

-Wasn't she heavily into drugs?

-Was she?

Well, if you're that fat,

drugs are a happy release.

She mighta been happy being fat!!

If she was so happy being fat, Jamie,

why did she die choking on a sandwich? Eh?

Why wasn't it a walloping

great fry-up or somin'?

It mighta been a

bacon and egg sandwich.

No, it's coming to me now,

it was beef or chicken,

somin' definitely low in cholesterol.

-Hark at her, the fountain of all knowledge.

-Yeah, well

When you can keep up with the questions on

Bob's Full House you can get back to me, all right?

-I'm more of a Mastermind man.

-Liar!

Anyone see University Challenge

last week?

Me neither.

Tony, crack me open another one.

I fancy somin' wet dribbling down the back o'me gullet.

Whaddya say?

I say ditto, right.

You can say whatever you want, love.

Better in than out, d'you know what I mean?

-Oh, shut up!

-Oi! Manners!

-Me mother never taught me none.

-He makes me die, he does.

That is the intention.

Oh! I bet you don't speak like that

to your ole man, eh, Ste?

I don't speak. Full stop.

Oh, no offence, Ste.

D'you know what I mean?

-Mum!

-I gotta get in.

-You do that, Ste.

-Going boxing with me dad later.

What, can't enough of it, eh, Ste?

Nah. Spectating.

Weren't so funny when that bloke o'yours

beat you up, was it?

Oh, you're so clever,

aren't you?

Well, just remember, you,

I give you them brains, so think on.

I always thought

you'd had a lobotomy.

-What did he say?

-Explain it to her, Tony!

-Lobotomy? It's when you split your...

-Yes!I know what it means, Tony!

I work all the hours God sends

just to keep you in insults.

If this was my pub

I'd have you barred.

Well, go on then. Bar me, kick me out.

You wouldn't dare!

Oh, look at you.

Butter wouldn't melt.

But that's all right, Jamie.

I've got your number.

You got my number?

Well, I've got yours, Sandra.

So why don't you try and be

a bit more like a mother to me?

Oh, pull that one on me.

I'm a terrible mother

who don't know her arse from her elbow.

I never has a mother so

what do I know about bringing up kids?

I'm not surprised she abandoned you!

You skinny little bastard.

Am I like my dad?

No, you're like me.

How am I weird?

Give it a rest, Jamie.

Christ.

You said it.

You're all right. Okay?

So you got me for a mother,

but who said life was easy?

You are.

You're all right.

D'you wanna come the boxing?

Shut up.

-Got a spare ticket.

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