Bedrooms and Hallways

1

This programme contains strong language

My flatmate says everything changes when you turn 30.

The illusions of youth are replaced by rock solid realities.

Anyway, I'm playing it very cool this birthday -

a couple of beers, Chinese takeaway, watching telly.

My friends are good about it.

They know the last thing I want on my plate is a big splashy glittery hoo-ha.

Th-they are clear about that.

ALL:
Surprise!

- Leo! Leo, where do you think you're going?

- Out.

Get back in here. Go on!

The boy's come back. Yahoo!

Happy birthday. I wanted to show you where you are now on the medicine wheel.

Out of the house of the hunter, which is a very solitary house

- and into the house of the warrior.

- Great. I'm just going to the loo.

Look what I've made. Taste it. Happy birthday, Leo.

- Nice?

- It's lovely, yeah.

- Hey, Leo. Happy birthday.

- Hi, thanks.

I've always wanted a surprise party but somehow it's never happened.

It's probably because I'm waiting for it.

I'm just going to the loo, OK?

Mm! Guess who it isn't.

- Ummm. Baby Spice?

- Correct. Here, open it now. I can't wait.

- I'll take that.

- Oh, thanks.

- Oh!

- I paid for it. It may look like I didn't but I did.

- That's great. It's your book!

- It's too heavy, isn't it?

- Throw it away. I don't mind.

- I'll put it with the other pressies.

- You'll enjoy it. I learned a lot.

- Great.

- Ange? Where's Darren?

- I'm not going to tell you if you're going to give him a bad time.

- I was just going to thank him.

- You're such a terrible liar.

Relax and have a good time.

I bought you a present. You'll love it.

See you in a minute.

Hi, thanks for coming.

How are you? Are you all right? Good to see you.

Good to see you. Thanks for coming. I'll see you in a minute, OK?

"This isn't so bad, actually. I got through the top floor in one piece."

- Oh, hi there. How are you?

- I'm fine.

You've lost some weight, haven't you?

- Are you coming down?

- What are you up to?

Well, you know, just keeping busy.

Hi. How are you? Fine.

"Wonder how Darren found half these people."

See you in a minute.

Hi!

Hi.

- I hope you don't mind my...

- No.

It takes a while to get used to it. Just check my look.

- How are you?

- Pretty good, pretty good. you know.

I'm going to Thailand in a couple of weeks.

Really? That's a long way.

Yeah. Well, it's something I've been meaning to do for a long time.

Anyway, happy birthday.

Yeah, thanks.

It's for Sal, somewhere.

Happy birthday, Leo.

Thanks.

"Now I remember why I didn't want this."

- Darren.

- Hello, birthday boy.

Listen, I asked the boys from downstairs and guess what?

- It turns out they're brothers.

- Hi.

- I told you... I'll get him back in five minutes.

- It was getting interesting.

Darren. Darren, what were you thinking? This is all I need.

I'm sorry, it's your birthday. I thought you might like it.

There's absolutely no-one here that I want to see.

Would you like me to send them all home?

- It's too late for that now, isn't it?

- Yes, it is.

Have I done a bad thing?

Come back to the party, little Leo.

No. No. I'm going to stay here and watch telly.

No-one will notice.

SHOOTING ON TV:

I really thought you were making progress.

I thought, "Marvellous. Leo's finally decided to live his life."

Wrong again.

Bye.

Hm.

"That's not fair. I WAS living my life. But things got very complicated."

- OK, start with his age.

- He's 35.

Well preserved 37 at a pinch.

- But gorgeous.

- Wait for me. Can't a girl have a pee? It's a long ride from Heathrow.

Here's your stuff.

- Darren, bags, Leo cologne.

- Thanks.

- What have I missed?

- Right, well, he's 35-ish.

Um, we don't know if he's gorgeous.

I'm not sure if gorgeous is the right word for him.

He's more salty.

I want to say rugged.

Height? 6ft-ish.

That's good. Job?

Oh, yes.

Morning, Jeremy.

'He's an estate agent.'

He's a what?

- An estate agent. Sells houses.

- Is this the guy who came round the other day?

He might be.

Mm. Lovely coffee.

Jeremy Downey, Reynolds and Landon.

Imagine him all neat and high class in his city suit.

- Cuff links and brogues.

- Sort of.

And now, I want you to imagine all these seething animal passions

just a fraction of an inch under the surface - about to erupt through the pie crust decorum.

I'm afraid the place is in a mess from my grandchildren.

- OK, I think we've got the picture.

- Can we get to the smut, please.

OK, getting there.

What does an estate agent have access to?

- Work it out.

- Mm...

- Photos of houses...

- Plans...

- Secretaries.

- Pens...

- Coffee mugs...

I'll be needing these, of course.

Oh?

You can't expect me to sell the place without them.

Darren, you slut.

Well, how's he supposed to sell a house without them?

I am switching estate agents.

I don't blame you.

Hello?

Anyone home?

Jeremy, we can't do this.

No, this is all wrong.

Hello?

You sexy little thing.

BELL RINGS:

No, no. I don't believe it. You're making this up.

No, no, I'm not.

Sit down, Leo. ..Go on, Darren.

Hello?

I can't go through with it.

I'm going.

Oh, no, you're not.

I'm shocked. I'm sure you can go to prison for this sort of thing.

- Leo, it's all right to be jealous.

- I'm not.

- Oh, yes, you are.

- I am not jealous.

If it's any consolation, I'm jealous, too.

Listen to us. We're two attractive men in our prime.

Why don't you and I ever hit the town together...?

Because, Adam, we'd want to go to different places.

Right.

I just love women. Always have.

It's the support you get.

That's what I miss. I'm just crap at being single.

Well, you've got your men's group.

Put a sock in it.

You've got your antlers to fall back on.

You're gagging to come to my men's group.

You're fascinated by it.

All right, I'm fascinated. It's more at a wet dream level than wanting to join up.

I envision you all ripping your clothes off and wrestling naked.

We have never done that. Now you mention it,

- it's not a bad idea.

- That's exactly the kind of thing

that would stop me from going. Wrestling naked.

What if I got a hard-on?

Well, it would add a whole new dynamic.

It certainly would.

Anyway, why be ashamed of what your body does?

Also, the group could do with a bit of variety.

You think my erections glow in the dark? That's how we find each other in parks at night?

- Can I say one thing?

- Yes.

Good.

I think it's an incredible time to be a guy.

We have to get ready for the new century. We have to know who we are. I think you should come.

No.

BELL RINGS:

Hi.

- Keith, this is Leo.

- Hi. Pleased to meet you.

- Hi.

- Leo, this is Keith.

Hi. Come on in.

Sybil, I told you the men's group was going to use the Moroccan room.

I cleared it with you.

- So, you get the Moroccan room and the Tibetan singing bowl.

- I booked the Tibetan singing bowl.

I wasn't there when you did it.

It never occurred to you my women's group might want the Moroccan room.

We get the small little Inuit room. Because we're so small.

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