Bedrooms and Hallways Page #2

Sybil, we'll talk about this later.

I suppose you guys need that space for your gigantic penises.

Correct.

Everyone, this is Leo.

Hi, hi.

Leo, this is John.

Pleased to meet you.

Terry and Brendan who's Irish.

So, Leo, we usually get new members to begin by telling us a history of yourself

as a man. How do you feel about your maleness? Proud?

Ashamed?

Ambivalent?

Er...

Don't rush it.

Just take your time.

- We talked for hours and I told them all about my family and it was wonderful.

- You amaze me.

You talked about your emotional problems with a roomful of straight men?

The experience of being male is common to gay and straight men. If you've got a dick, you're a man.

- Isn't that right, Ange?

- Tell me about it.

- Make me something to eat and it's yours.

- That's what we're talking about.

- We're talking about maleness.

- You didn't tell them you were gay, did you?

Oh, God, you're such a separatist.

He is. It's all bloody gay, gay, gay with him.

Gay gym, gay restaurant...

Gay life insurance. Don't forget that.

I hope they're spunky, these straight men of yours.

One's very nice, actually. And he's Irish.

He's got this voice, it sort of washes over you like some dark powerful river.

There's a good manly way of describing a man.

Just ignore him. I think it sounds most therapeutic.

Tell me more.

Well, the good news is

there are some signs of an upturn in the market.

At least, there are signs that the rate at which it is falling is slowing down.

That doesn't sound too hopeful. I'll be frank with you,

the fact that you're on a railway isn't going to help.

I don't know. We rather like the trains.

I appreciate the fact that YOU like the trains.

But will your prospective purchaser?

Here comes one now.

TRAIN THUNDERS BY

How will you sell this place with that racket?

I can sell anything.

Oh sh*t.

What?

Look at this.

Made in Hong Kong.

Most of them are.

For f***'s sake.

What's the matter? Vinyl.

It's just a headboard. Don't stop now. I was just getting moist.

That's textured bloody vinyl. This place is not right.

This is British Home Stores.

The decor doesn't bother me.

This whole room... Look at this.

She's lost her leg. KNOCKING

What was that? Someone's at the door. Hide.

Hide.

30 per cent nylon. 70 per cent bleeding polyester. I'm getting out of here.

I rather like a bit of polyester.

Today, we're going to be passing around the honesty stone.

- Oh, this is great.

- This ritual comes from native American culture.

The stone is passed round clockwise.

If it's given to you, you have to speak with absolute honesty.

about something which is on your mind.

It's a liberating ritual. Don't think of it

as a test. It's an opportunity.

John, why don't you go first?

I feel tense, you know...

nervous.

That's perfectly natural.

Let the stone help you. Hold it.

Hold it.

Allow it to speak to you in its own way.

Allow its energy to open the floodgates of your mind.

I... I don't know what's wrong with me. I...

I can't speak.

Take your time.

Er, I feel like there's this...

blockage in my throat.

G...

Huuu..

John, let it happen. He's spontaneously rebirthing.

- Ugggh...

- Terry, place your hand under John's leg in a supportive and loving way.

I'm going really faint.

No, you are not going to faint. It's just your ego trying to protect itself.

The b-blockage just moved down to my stomach.

Leo, place your hand on John's stomach in a supportive and loving way.

My knees, oh God, the pain.

Adam, his knees.

Let it all go, John.

Let these strong, loving men heal you.

Jesus Christ, the rage...

If you want to shout and scream, shout and scream!

Oh, my feet, my feet!

Great. It's in your feet!

John, try to imagine all the pain draining out of your feet

into the nurturing earth. Into the life-giving sea.

Aaah!

Aaah!

And now we focus on the wide Arctic silence.

Aaah!

John, let it all out.

Aaah!

Aaah!

There's a terrible banging noise in my head.

There's a constant banging noise. Oh, God.

Make it go away.

It's my father.

My father.

My father beat me.

It's OK, John. It's OK.

It's only now in the company of this group of... of men

that I can finally face my grief.

Why? Why?

He died and I couldn't speak to him and I had so many questions to ask.

Thank you, John.

But why?

Well done. Well done.

Yeah, nice one, John,

That was so illuminating.

That was great.

Cheers.

- Right.

- Is it me, next?

'Fraid so.

That's a pretty touch act to follow.

It wasn't an act.

Sorry, I didn't...

Don't feel inhibited, Leo.

It's the honesty stone. All you have to do is to be honest.

I find a member of the group attractive.

Who?

Brendan.

- Can I pass the stone on, now?

- Can you tell us a bit more about your feelings for Brendan?

Is the attraction spiritual? Emotional?

Or physical?

I'm not going to start hyperventilating or anything, am I?

- Not unless you need to.

- No.

OK, well, I suppose on a spiritual level,

I probably do have some affinity with Brendan.

However, if I'm going to be completely honest about it,

I have to say that there's a lot of sexual attraction there, too.

- Er...

- Great.

Great. Go on.

- What, you want me to go into details?

- It's OK, Leo.

I can take it, you know.

What exactly is it about Brendan that turns you on, Leo?

- Is there a particular body part?

- Well, um...

I would say what we've got here is a pretty hot package, really?

From head to toe and...

If Brendan were

batting with the same team as me, as it were, then, yeah, I'd ask him out.

Come on, guys, don't make me feel like a freak,

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed Brendan is a handsome man.

He's all right.

Christ.

Er, Brendan...

I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, you know.

- No.

- I guess I just got caught up...

- Fine, you didn't embarrass me.

Well, I think I did.

Well, you know, it was a bit of a bombshell, yeah but...

But actually, you know, I felt kind of flattered.

- What?

- Nothing.

What? What? Did I say the wrong thing, or what?

I guess, that... You know, I guess it sounded a bit patronising.

- Did it?

- Yeah, it did a bit.

Well, Christ, well, pardon me.

- No offence meant, you know.

- It's OK.

I'll see you next week, yeah?

Look, I'm sorry. Do you want to go for a quick pint or something?

You know... you know... I've got an early start in the morning.

- You know.

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

- Next week, yeah?

- Yeah, all right, then.

THUNDER ROLLS:

Oh!

The Rough Guide to Ireland.

"Never has Ireland been so readily accessible."

"Margaret Thatcher put the C back in Conservatism." That's it.

That was great.

Jeremy? Yeah?

I've been thinking.

Oh, yeah, about...?

Do you think our relationship has an over-emphasis on the physical side?

How do you mean?

I'm probably being silly. I just think sometimes it might be nice if we maybe went out, or something.

You know, lunch at Soho. Shopping?

Don't be so soft.

Our world shouldn't revolve around other people's empty houses.

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