Bedrooms and Hallways Page #3

I want to show you off, you know.

It was just a thought. Probably not a very profound one.

Hi.

Hi. .. All right, Adam?

- How are you?

- I'll get you for this.

Sure, you will.

- Thank you for that.

- Well,

that was very interesting.

- Did you see how many slices of ham he put in your sandwich?

- The normal amount.

- He gave you a great big extra slice.

- He didn't.

Let me see. Come on.

- Two slices. How many slices have you got?

- Two SMALL slices.

You have a row of pickled gherkin. I don't have a row of pickled gherkin.

- I suppose that means something.

- Certainly. It does.

We straight men have this system of codes.

A row of pickled gherkin is pretty serious.

PHONE RINGS:

Hello? Oh, hold on a sec.

Leo, it's for you.

- Who is it?

- I'm not sure but his voice washed over me like a dark, powerful river.

Hello?

Hi, Leo?

It's Brendan. From the group.

Hi, hi.

I wanted to say sorry for being rude the other night.

Were you rude? I didn't notice.

'Well, you know, I was unfriendly and I feel bad about that.

'I guess I just...'

I don't know, I guess I just misinterpreted your invitation.

'But I was thinking, I shouldn't be stand-offish.'

Right, yeah.

Sorry, I just...

(I'll do that. It's all right.)

Oh, great.

I was wondering... I know a pub where they have real Guinness.

I'm free tonight, so if you're not doing anything, you might want to go out.

Right, just a minute. I'll just check if I'm free.

Darren, are we going anywhere tonight? (Say no.)

No. Not unless you want to go to that orgy...

- Yeah, that'd be fine.

- Yeah? Should I pick you up?

- Pick me up.

- What's the address?

- Flat 5, 13 Old Street.

Oh, yeah, I know. That's right off City Road, isn't it?

What, eight-ish?

OK, yeah, I'll see you then. Sure.

Good, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

Ooooh!

Eeeh, he-he.

- You look sexy. Rub some compost on your face. Straight boys like that.

- It's not a date.

It's just a drink. Where are you going?

I'm going to tell Ange.

So, thanks for locking up.

I like you in that jacket. You look all boyish.

Thanks.

I'll see you.

THEY CHEER:

ECSTATIC GRUNTING

OK, I'm trying to build a mental picture here.

Did you have sex before or after table football.

- Don't be naive, it was during.

- We had a couple of pints.

- Exchanged rings in a quiet ceremony.

- No. We had a long chat

- about his ex girlfriend.

- He'll get over it.

Look, we just want to be friends. Male bonding. Is that what they call it?

- Do we have to watch this?

- Yes, yes.

MOANING This is for your benefit, actually.

Think of it as a refresher course.

That look familiar?

- Does it?

- Vaguely.

- Good.

You'll thank us later.

Hello? Hi?

Hello, Keith? It's Adam and Leo.

Oh, hi.

Hi, you guys, you're in the sauna tonight. They've already gone over.

- It's this way.

- Sauna?

Yeah.

What sauna?

Sometimes we start with a sauna.

- It's just relaxed.

- Just a minute.

- You expect ME to take my clothes off.

- Leo, come on.

I'm not taking my kit off.

Well, I'm going to keep my pants on. OK?

Yeah, if you want to.

Well, who would have thought.

Oh, God.

Get off.

LEO THINKS Wonder how Leo's doing.

Margaret Thatcher. In 1979

Margaret Thatcher moves into 10 Downing Street after a Tory landslide.

I want to share something with the group.

ALL SPEAK Share with us.

OK. Right. It all started when Leo

was telling us about his feelings towards Brendan.

I never heard anyone speak

with such a refreshing directness about this particular taboo subject.

I didn't find it refreshing.

This is the bit that's really hard to say.

Yang, yang, yang...

Terry, that's just a normal stone.

John, would you pass Terry the harpoon, please?

Sure.

It's got a very different energy from the stone. Very male.

Try.

Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang. Yang.

So, I went home and I...

meditated deeply on...

on my sexuality.

You know?

I really want to push myself to the very limits of discovery.

After I meditated, I knew what to do.

What?

I went to a newsagents and bought a magazine.

- Tell us about the magazine, Terry.

- It was a pornographic one.

Yes?

With pictures of men.

Jesus Christ!

Terry, you're doing well.

Let the harpoon help.

Well, after I bought the magazine, I took it home and read it.

I looked at the pictures and...

I had a wank.

And how do you...feel about that now?

I feel great.

I feel f***ing great.

I feel as if I'm discovering

a part of...of me

that I never accepted before.

I see. And are you going to be taking this any further?

What do you mean, John?

I mean it's bad enough I've got one in the sauna. No offence, Leo

but, well, I'm just beginning to get a tad

concerned here. Oh, don't worry about it.

It would have to be with someone I found remotely attractive.

Do you know what my theory is on men right now?

Go on, tell us.

I think men don't feel received by women.

There's so much suspicion between the sexes.

Yeah, cos we've made such a mess of it as men, haven't we?

Of course, I'm a great Jungian, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Or at least I was. Then I thought what is all this bullshit?

Masculine, feminine...

Excuse me. Terry, could I...have a word?

Back in a sec.

- I mean, it's bullshit.

- Yeah...

I'm sure, you, as a gay man, feel much the same.

Oh, God, yeah...

- Of course, Jung was a complete pig with woman.

- He was, yeah...

- I'm boring you.

- No, not at all.

They're talking about you.

- Are they?

- The good-looking guy seems very pissed off with your friend.

Just a minute. Wait a sec.

Something...something...

Break your nose. I'll break your f***ing nose, matey.

I love that word, matey.

Are you lip-reading?

- I used to work with the deaf.

- Well, that's useful.

- He's coming over.

- You don't do mind-reading?

I used to. But, believe me, it's usually best not to know.

- I'm leaving now.

- OK.

- Do you want to come?

Don't just stand there. Go on, live a little.

- Bye.

- Bye.

What's that word when someone likes you but can't admit it? Denial.

Fellas. Chaps, don't forget. Friday.

1pm. Remember to bring your tents.

What a very interesting group.

Yes...

My God. I thought that Terry was going to go on all night.

What a wally, eh?

Yeah, well, I guess it was important to him.

Yes, yes, I know. But pushing himself to the limits of self-discovery indeed!

- Never heard such bollocks in all my life. Next thing, he'll ask you out.

- He can if he wants.

So Brendan feels left out since Terry's found his homosexual side and he's not.

I'm joining that group.

Definitely. Wipe off my make-up.

- Sock down your knickers. - False moustache.

Three eights.

Please play with me. She's cheating very much.

- No, no. I'm going to bed.

- Oh, night.

- OK, night.

- Night.

Come on, it's you.

One jack.

Pathetic.

Guys,

what's the least sexy book you can think of?

The least sexy book?

What would you read last thing at night

if you absolutely did not want to dream of sex with a gorgeous Irishman?

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