Bedrooms and Hallways Page #4

Why not dream about sex with a gorgeous Irishman?

The least sexy book is...

Margaret Thatcher's biography.

I've finished it.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

Oh, I know. My bedside table.

Read that book, you'll never think about sex.

Oh, Mr Elton, it is too wildly vexing.

Mother and I feel my brother will inherit Mansize Park

and we shall have to live in West Kensington with one servant.

Oh, how very vexing. But it is, I do declare.

I need at least two servants to get me out of bed.

Ah, tea. You will have a little dish, Mr Elton?

Oh, please. I like a good caffeine rush before I write my Sunday sermon.

Perhaps you should enter into a romantic alliance with that Mr Darcy?

His endowments are the talk of Bedfordshire. But he is so proud, Mother.

- And he eats dinner at six.

- I

- favour half past five.

We could never marry.

- ALL SPEAK Ah, Mr Darcy!

- Ladies.

You look a little flushed, Mr Darcy. Did you walk?

Oh, no. I've been whipping the new stable boy. Thirsty work indeed, Miss Bennett.

You, boy. Have you been whipped today?

- Only once, my lord.

- Only once?

Servants must be whipped every hour. That is how they tell the time.

Were it not for tea, we would be little more than savages.

Indeed, madam. A dish of tea is a tremendous stiffener of the manly resolve.

You.

Meet me at the stables.

Good day, ladies.

Mr Darcy is somewhat haughty.

But there can be no denying his penetration.

- Hiya.

- All right?

Do you want some help with that?

You need good firm ground for these tent pegs, eh? This is good.

This afternoon, we shall be hunting and gathering for our evening meal.

I've brought no food.

So, if you can't find any...

What do you mean, you've brought no food?

I'm hyperglycaemic.

I could die.

You can handle that, John.

Remember. You're a man.

Who did this to you?

Go on. Go on.

What are you doing?

Catch it, come on! Come on, get after it.

Sh*t! What?

This bush is alive, man. How am I going to get out?

Just relax.

Look, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I could get tetanus.

I'll have to go and get some help.

Here.

Have a berry. Piss off, Adam.

Keith, Terry's stuck in a bush.

Thank you, Keith.

Guys, look what I've got.

- God, what have you got?

- A liquorice root.

- No nutritional value but you suck it and it has a nice flavour.

- Look, I'm going to die!

Doesn't anyone care?

My God, I feel dizzy.

Help!

TELEPHONE RINGS:

One Way Takeaway.

- KEITH:

- 'Hello. Can we have some king prawns, please?'

- 'Six...' 'Prawns for...'

- 'Two king...'

Are you done with that?

THEY SCREAM AND SHOU Leo.

It's me, Brendan. Can I come in?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Hi.

- Hi.

It's a bit cramped.

I brought you something.

Don't tell the others, OK?

- It's poteen.

- Poteen, what's that?

It's like a hooch, you know?

You make it yourself.

Go on, try some. It'll put hairs on your back.

'All those stars. Makes you think.'

We're so f***ing...

small.

Like ants, really.

We're just a bunch of f***ing ants

creeping about on the surface of this...

..world.

Eh, Terry?

Sorry, John, I didn't hear a word.

All those stars.

Makes you think.

God.

The trauma...

Wild...

You know what?

I think I could get quite into all this stuff.

Mmm...

RUSTLING:

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

- Jesus Christ!

- Get it! Get it!

- What the f***ing hell is that?

- You've got to get it!

- You go.

- You're on top of me, get it!

- Go on, shoo!

Over to you.

What do we feel this weekend?

As men?

Anyone?

Don't be so British.

You have to learn to share your feelings.

Always share.

I think Brendan's got something he wishes to share.

Brendan?

I don't know... I had a really great time.

Yeah, but aren't you going to share it with us, Brendan?

That was it, Terry. That was my sharing.

No, no, Brendan. That was sh*t.

You slept with Leo, didn't you?

Did you enjoy that?

- What's it to do with you?

- Was he good? Did you let him f*** you?

- Sounded like someone was being f***ed.

- How dare you, you little prick!

- Come on, then.

- Get off me!

- Get off!

- Leave them.

That was the best Wild Man Weekend ever.

Bloody noses. That's excellent.

Terry, would you like to stop at a hospital to get it re-set?

No, thanks. I'll do it myself.

ADAM Go on. Hug each other.

No. I'm not ready for that, Adam.

Oh, incidentally, Leo and Brendan,

I think it's really great

that you two have got it together.

Brendan, are you listening?

If I could have one wish, it would be

for you to be gay, but I don't think you are.

And that's OK. OK?

What's that supposed to mean?

Have you changed your mind about me?

No. No, that's not what I meant.

What, then?

How can you have been happily seeing women for the past...

..the past 15 years or so

and not be straight? Huh?

I thought I was straight, OK?

- What, then you meet me and you have this blinding revelation?

- Yeah.

OK, I don't look a certain way and we didn't meet in a bar.

Or would you have preferred it if we had?

- I think maybe you have one or two prejudices yourself.

- Really?

Let me ask YOU something.

Have you ever had a relationship with a woman?

- A very good question.

- Thank you.

- Piss off, John.

Leo. Brendan may have a point.

Maybe we should help you to explore it.

I do think Keith is right, Leo.

Do you?

We're only trying to help you, Leo.

JOHN:
- It's nothing to be ashamed of.

BRENDAN:
- Come on, Leo.

So was that a fair question to ask

in front of a whole bus-load of hairy-chested drum-beating rough men?

Well, he's probably just fascinated.

Well, if he wants to be bisexual, that's fine.

- Just don't drag me into it.

- Oh, Leo, relax.

You're quite right to choose men. Women are complicated.

Men are kind of pathetic but at least you know where you are.

Look.

I'm an attractive woman.

I'm standing here in my bra and panties.

We're in my bedroom. Any straight guy would have jumped on me by now.

Maybe I'm just polite.

What are you doing?

Feel anything?

No.

How about that? THEY LAUGH

- Get off, that makes it worse!

- Good.

Oh, Leo, I love you the way you are. I don't want you to change.

You're like my spy in the enemy camp.

You can tell me all those little weird male secrets.

I think I should just shut up.

Far too much drumming has released some sort of wild man.

OK. OK.

Let me ask you one question.

If this Brendan were to turn up on your doorstep intent on making passionate love to you,

would that wild man be heterosexual?

BOTH SPEAK Ummm...

No.

- Morning, Darren.

- Good morning.

You know, I just had the most amazingly vivid dream.

No, it wasn't a dream. He's just made breakfast.

Leo.

- Darren.

- Thank you.

Bon appetit, gentlemen.

Darren, could I...?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Thanks.

What else do you want? He's gorgeous and he made breakfast.

I mean, the man is on the rebound.

From women in general.

He wants me because I'm not a woman.

- Seems a good reason to want someone.

- But it's a negative reason. He wants me

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes