Bedrooms and Hallways Page #5

for what I'm not. Not for what I am.

Any good in bed?

- Well, yeah, yeah, he was, but...

- Well, then, keep him.

- Darren, you know what my biggest nightmare is.

- Falling in love with a straight man.

- Yes.

Leo, all relationships end.

You either split up or one of you dies.

So why not enjoy it?

You've got a nice bit of crumpet. Make the most of it.

Darren, why do I have such a complicated

- sex life?

- Because you give out complicated vibrations.

Simplify your vibrations. Your sex life simplifies itself.

That's very wise.

Honestly, Leo, you know your trouble. You always want guarantees.

- Doesn't everyone?

- No. No, they don't.

So you let the first guy you slept with in ages leave without knowing when you'll see him again.

- Hi.

- I just wanted to give you this.

- Your number?

- Yeah.

I called you, remember?

Yes.

Well, do you want mine?

Yeah, yeah...

Have you got a...pen?

- Oh. Thanks.

- Thanks.

Here, give us your hand.

- Thanks for the pen.

- Cheers.

- See you.

- See you.

I'll call you.

I particularly liked the way it managed to be gently ironic

without descending into an out-and-out cynicism. You?

I'm not so sure. You know.

I mean, satire is one thing and pastiche quite another. I thought it was pastiche.

- I thought it was more lampoon than pastiche.

- What? Surely? What?

Lampoon IS satire, Brendan. They're the same thing.

Pope is lampoon, Swift is satire. Quite a different thing.

You're such a clever boy.

Come on, bed.

Yes, I'm kind of sleepy, you know.

- All right?

- All right.

- Who was that?

- I don't know.

Anyway, bed. Come on. In your pyjamas.

BRENDAN LAUGHS:

- Get in here.

- You don't really envy straight people like that, do you?

- Yes.

Yeah, sometimes.

You know,

a lot of straight couples stay together for the wrong reasons.

Kids...

Mortgage...

- It all turns into a trap.

- Yeah.

Maybe they're lucky to be tied together like that.

I mean, when you're gay,

you don't always have those things so it's easier just to give up and not see it through.

Well, maybe we're not made for it, eh?

Not made for what?

Monogamy.

PHONE RINGS:

Hello.

Hi, is Brendan there, please?

Um...no, he's a bit busy right now.

'Can I take a message?' No. No message.

OK. Bye.

It wasn't for you. It was for Leo's boyfriend.

Back.

Leo,

I've just come out of a long relationship.

The last thing I want to do right now is start another one.

So what's this?

Well, I don't know what this is.

My husband's a bit of a DIY fanatic. Aren't you, Desmond?

No expense spared. You know, as my Auntie Maureen always says,

"You buy cheap, you buy twice."

Yes. I think we have to...

- ... pass on this property.

- Oh, why ever's that?

It's not the sort of property that we're good at selling.

Oh, that's a disappointment.

My word. That is rather a lovely table.

My husband made it.

It's adjustable. And you can make it any height you want.

Yes. So it's useful for a variety of purposes.

I'll have to check with the office

- but I think we might be able to squeeze you onto our list.

- Oh, I say.

- 200 Marlboro.

- Lights.

- Not the 100s.

- And one small atomiser of Givenchy Gentleman.

Al right, Al right.

BUZZER SOUNDS:

- Shall I get it?

- Yeah, thanks.

- Is it about the flat?

- No, it's the fashion police coming to get you.

- Well, you'd better get it, cos I don't want to get arrested.

- Al right.

I'm really sorry to bother you.

- My name's Sally. It must seem very...

- Sally...?

It's me.

- It's Leo.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

- You look great.

- It's so weird.

This is Sally.

She was my teenage sweetheart.

- Can you believe that?

- No I can't.

- This is Darren, he's my lovely flatmate. This is Ange.

- Hi.

- Can't stop, I have a flight to catch. Really nice to meet you. Bye.

- Bye.

Right. This is it.

This is beautiful.

Come on, I'll show you around.

This is the dining room...

Shops just round the corner. It's fine really.

Leo, I didn't come about the flat.

I came because that woman,

Angie,

she's seeing my boyfriend.

- Angie!

- No, it's OK, Leo.

- I'm dealing with it.

- OK, shove up.

Let's get to the bottom of this. We know her type.

- So describe your boyfriend and we'll tell you if she's bonking him.

- Darren!

- I'm trying to help.

- Is he tall or short?

- Tall.

- Dark or blond?

- Dark.

Mmm. English or foreign?

Irish.

- Sounds a bit ominous. Likes an accent, Ange.

- Still doesn't sound

- like her.

- Here's the decider.

Is he smooth or hairy?

- Pretty hairy.

- Definitely not.

- No.

- You don't think so?

- No, it's highly unlikely. So what's his name? What does he do?

His name is Brendan. We run a cafe.

Brendan? Not Brendan with the dark eyes and permanent five o'clock shadow?

Yes.

I know him!

- You do?

- Yes. He comes to my men's group.

Your men's group?

Leo's very sniffy about it. Makes me keep my tribal drums under the stairs. He's very closed.

Isn't that in Chiswick?

No, that's where our hot tub nights are. He's my star pupil.

He's come on in leaps and bounds. Opened up like a flower. Last week he shared THE most

lurid masturbation fantasy I've ever heard.

Will you tell him I want my wolf pelt back?

Thank you for doing this.

I don't think I could have done it on my own.

I know they're just things but psychologically...

- I should have packed up Brendan's things long ago but it's hard to do it on your own.

- Sally...

Look.

If I'd done something bad, unintentionally,

would you forgive me?

What sort of bad?

Well...

Well, say, you were...going to buy a house, right?

And I sort of gazumped you without knowing it was you

and then you found out that it was me...

That would be OK.

Yeah?

- Yeah.

- OK.

'You mean to tell me,'

you stood there in my room, in my house,

packing up MY things?

Yeah. I'm sorry, OK?

- But she asked me, she just wanted support.

- Great!

Can you just for a second imagine how I feel about this?

You're not the only one in shock. She's one of my oldest friends and I ruined her life.

Hold on.

Our splitting-up has got nothing to do with you.

Yeah, and she says it's a trial separation,

and you say you've split up. Which is it?

It is the same thing.

No, it's not.

One means you may get back together, the other doesn't.

It's got nothing to do with you anyway.

No, it's just a difference between you being available and not available.

Oh, for God's sake! Leo...

I know all about love and commitment.

I was with Sal for seven years,

- which is a sight longer than you were with whatshisname.

- Don't!

OK, fine.

Just...

Just don't tell me I don't know about commitment.

OK.

- Oh, God, why did you have to do this?

- What?

- Spoil everything, with all this...thinking you do.

Because, Brendan, that's who I am. I can't help it.

I just want the whole deal.

You know, I think you're coping with all this really well.

I'm completely falling apart, actually,

but what can you do?

- It's a break-up. They're hard.

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