Bedrooms and Hallways Page #6

- They are.

- So what about you?

- What about me?

Are you seeing anyone?

Probably... probably not for very long.

Interesting? Handsome?

Yeah.

Smooth or hairy?

Sally, I can't talk about this just now.

- Oh, no!

- What?

- No, that's not fair.

I dished it.

- Well, you know, it's all a bit...

- What?

Well, there've been a few developments...

Oh, Leo, you can talk to me, have a good old cry, order a pizza, knock back some beers,

- hire a hooker.

- A hooker?!

- Do us both.

You're a tart.

- Wash your mouth out.

- Party pooper. Oh, look.

Interest rates.

- Morning.

- Loft extensions...

Darling, how do you feel about double glazing?

I feel we're going to have to mortgage the children, darling.

- What do you think?

THEY BOTH LAUGH:

Bye!

HE LAUGHS:

- He fancied you rotten!

- Oh, no.

- Yes, he did.

- No, he fancied you.

- Me? No, he didn't!

He wanted to bend you over the table and have his way with you.

It's quite early. Why not come back for a glass of wine?

- Oh, no. I'd better not.

- I'll go ask the waiter.

- No. Hey, come here. I'll come back with you.

- Will you?

- Mm.

Oh, Good.

Don't worry. If you miss the last tube I'll pour you in a cab.

PASSIONATE MOANING

KEITH:
You millionaire!

I've been there and back. What about you?

Home stretch!

DOORBELL RINGS:

- Damn!

They're early!

The sacrifices we make for the evolution of the species.

- All right.

- I love being a woman.

Not because of you, because of me.

'That was one of the most incredible experiences I've had,'

to be completely passive,

to give myself wholeheartedly to another person, to...

to let go of all social conditioning and prejudice.

In fact, I don't think I've ever felt so close to another human being in my entire life.

Wow.

You know, in a funny way,

the experience has taught me something about women, too.

I know that may sound absurd but...

But I feel closer to women in a way now.

Am I making any sense?

You're making a whole lot of sense.

- Remember?

- How do you remember that?

Do you not?

You're lovely, you know that?

Are you flirting with me?

I'm not sure. Am I?

I don't know.

But it makes me feel a lot better.

That's good.

I remember something else you said later on.

You said the chemistry is not right. Do you remember that?

It always...

struck me as strange, because...

although we we were incompatible in certain...

very important ways...

- I always thought the one thing we had was...

- was chemistry.

So, why did you say that?

I don't know.

I mean, I thought, if we...

went the whole hog,

then, you know, we'd be in love and I'd still be queer...

You know? That would have been...

What?

Well, dishonest.

Dishonest?

- I so wish you'd been my first time with a man.

- I wish you'd been MY first time with a man!

SHE LAUGHS:

- You know who was?

- No. Who?

- Come on.

- Michael Weeks.

Michael Weeks?

- MY first time was with Michael Weeks!

- No!

- No.

Oh, God!

- You didn't leave me with a lot of options.

- No.

I was just scared.

I know.

- Sally?

- Mmm.

Would you be really shocked if I said I'd like to kiss you?

Yeah.

So keep your filthy homosexual hands off me.

Come on, then.

- Can I ask a question?

- Yeah.

does it hurt?

Well, yeah. It felt a bit funny at first, you know,

but after a bit you loosen up

and then you get to like it, and before you know where you are you...

can't get enough of it.

Excellent.

- 'Well, where is he?

- Leo? No idea. I don't know.'

- Can I say something?

- Yes, of course.

It's not about homosexuality, so maybe you won't be interested.

- Of course we are.

- You're safe here. You're loved.

Yeah, but that is just it. I don't want to be loved, not by MEN.

All right.

All right.

Would you like to be...liked?

I think what I'd really like now is just... to leave.

- Now, you know...

- Get...

I think it will make me feel a lot better.

I'll see myself out.

Interesting choice.

I'm sorry. I can't...

I can't do it.

- I'm sorry.

- What?

Is this all my fault?

I don't know. I don't know.

Look...

I'm sorry. OK?

Leo, you're an adult. You can do as you please.

Sally, I know that.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'll call you, OK?

You cook it for 20 minutes and it turns into spaghetti.

Oh, pull the other one!

It turns into bloody spaghetti!

Leo, please. Back me up on this.

Guys, look, I was wondering...

What, Leo?

If I kissed a woman, you know, properly,

- would that make me a hetty?

- Don't be absurd.

- Absolutely not, no.

- Right, good.

Not unless it gave you an erection.

Oh, my God.

- What?!

- That woman. That blonde hussy!

- What did she do to you?

- She is not a hussy, ok ?

I think I'll be the judge of that.

- It's all our fault.

- I knew we shouldn't have let him get in touch with his masculine side.

- Leo, you are a HOMOsexual!

- Yeah !

MOBILE RINGS:

Expect this'll be the sex police.

Leo, you are a strawberry blonde.

You can't go out with an ash blonde. It's not right.

I'll deal with you later.

Neither of you leave the house till I get back.

That's how I like you.

Don't you think the decor's a bit dodgy?

Oh, bugger the decor.

As long as it does it for you.

Then, now you're completely in my power.

Gosh, Jeremy, you could do anything to me. What are you going to do?

I'd be completely unable to escape.

Do you know what? I haven't decided yet.

But there's one thing I do know.

And what's that?

I want you stark, bollock naked.

Oh, my goodness me.

Oh, not my Calvins! No please !

Oh, stop squealing, you little tart. Want the neighbours to hear?

I feel completely exposed.

That's what I like to see.

Now, what if I was to... tweak your nipple just a little bit?

You like that, don't you? Do you want me to do it a bit harder?

Oh, have mercy.

You don't deserve mercy.

I hope you'll be gentle. You know how huge you are.

Am I huge?

Yes, you're huge.

- Say it.

- I just did.

- Say it again.

- You're huge.

And again. You're...

CLUNK:

What was that?

Stay here.

OK.

- Someone's here.

- You're not serious!

I thought they'd gone away!

She said she was going to.

Well, get me out of these f***ing cuffs!

Can't find the f***ing key!

Excuse me.

Jeremy!

Jeremy!

Who the hell are you?

# Oh, happy birthday, dear Geraldine!

# Congratulations, you're seventeen. #

My name is not Geraldine and it's not my birthday.

Isn't it?

But this is 25 Sheldrake Avenue, isn't it ?

No. This is 23 Sheldrake Avenue.

Oh, God! How appallingly embarrassing.

I'm an S-and-M-ogram and I've obviously got the wrong house. No!

Don't I know you?

I hope not.

It wasn't my idea. I'm going out with a sex maniac.

It could happen to any of us.

ANGELA OVER INTERCOM: 'Hello?'

Ang, it's me. You've got to come down.

'Oh...'

What's the matter with you? Where are your keys?

I don't know. Something terrible's happened.

Oh, not now. I'm making lasagne.

Don't abandon me in my hour of need! We've got to go and see Leo.

What difference will it make if I'm there?

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