Behaving Badly
1
I am so f***ed.
I make one stupid bet with a
sociopathic Lithuanian kid
and now my best friend's in
jail, my dad is a fugitive,
they found a dead body
in my mom's trunk,
the love of my life thinks
I'm the Antichrist,
and I have crabs.
But most shockingly...
Mom?
She wouldn't have gone anywhere.
We're fully stocked.
Mom? Mom?
Holy... sh*t.
Is that a letter to her dog?
911. What's your emergency?
Yes, I'd like to
order an ambulance.
- Location, please?
- 844 Marx Avenue.
Oh, hey, Rick.
Rick? Rick?
to the Policemen's Ball.
Is your mother home?
Yes, but I think she's dead.
- Step down, and...
- Got it.
Alright, everybody, calm down! OK?
This is a crime scene.
Hold up one second.
Let me get a picture
of this real quick.
It's just a potential homicide.
she's an organ donor.
Don't make me hurt you.
What is the victim's name?
Lucy Rebecca Stevens.
- Date of birth?
- Uh, March something.
- Old.
- Old. Education?
My mom's deep-throating
a breathing tube
and you wanna know how
far in college she got?
Listen, we have a potential
homicide investigation here.
A homicide? How do you explain
- You can't have those.
- That one's addressed to me.
- They're evidence.
- That one's addressed to me.
Only if you let me
look at it first.
Now keep back.
What does 'opprobrious' mean?
It means abusive or malevolent.
Well, you're opprobrious,
and you've been f***ing
her best friend.
How did she find out?
If Mom knows, who else?
I was ploughing his mom,
not to mention how his
dad, her husband,
the ex-college football
player turned Neo-Nazi,
sporting goods salesman
who does a very good business
More importantly, what if
Nina Pennington finds out?
Enough about me, I wanna
see what this one says.
- Now we'll hang on to these.
- Yeah, fine, fine.
Until after our
investigation is complete.
Alright.
Oh, uh, about those raffle tickets?
It was Mrs Bender. The
nut job told her.
Of course, she left
out how it happened.
I had no choice. It's kind of...
It's kind of embarrassing,
but here's how the
whole thing went down.
I wager $1,000.
Two weeks ago, I wasn't f***ed.
- You know Josh Groban?
- Not even close.
Truth was, I had never had sex
with anyone other than myself,
but this was the year I
I had fallen in love and her
name was Nina Pennington.
You forgot to put
the seat down, fag.
It wasn't me. It was... it was Mom.
Oh, for the love of
little baby Jesus,
would you close those
goddamn drapes?
Some people's moms look
at the glass half full.
Other moms look at it half empty.
Mine looks at it and asks
Mom, did you leave
the toilet seat up?
Sorry?
Where's your father?
Uh... he moved out again.
Right. Sonofabitch.
You watch, I'm gonna
divorce him this time.
Where were you last
night until 3am, madam?
Uh, feeding the homeless.
- Aww.
- Why do you always believe her?
When I said I was giving blood,
you told me I was full of
sh*t and grounded me.
You didn't have any track marks
and watch your f***ing mouth.
And I got straight A's in school.
And she got straight A's.
Have you heard from Agent...?
Stanford, and no, I haven't
heard anything yet,
but it should be any day now.
You're a stripper, Kristen.
With all the tips you make, why
do you even need a degree?
Because I'm trying
to better myself.
Why can't you be more
like your sister?
Why would I want to be a skanky ho?
- Mom, kill him.
- Can I?
OK, so the whole thing
started Saturday...
Joseph Stevens, my sperm donor.
because he couldn't
afford a divorce.
If that isn't love,
I don't know what is.
- What are you up to, mister?
- Nothing.
- You are grounded.
- No.
Unless you do me one little favour.
And here I thought you came for
some quality father-son time.
Remember that video camera
I borrowed last week?
Oh, yeah, video camera,
to videotape that sales
pitch with your secretary.
Sales pitch. Oh, yeah,
yeah, sales pitch.
Anyhow, I think I
left a tape in it.
- Your mother didn't, uh...?
- Mom operate video equipment?
She has a hard enough
time with the doorknob.
- How is your mother?
- Do you honestly care, Joseph?
- Not really, no.
- Steven.
- Twat.
Thank you.
And, the next time you borrow
try not to leave any...
residue on the tripod.
You are so grounded, mister.
Grounded.
OK, so the whole thing started
on Saturday, April 14.
Unfortunately, this is
pretty much a true story.
The names have not been changed
to protect the innocent,
because, well, everyone in this
story is guilty of something.
Speaking of guilty,
I was running errands
for Jimmy Leach.
He manages the club where
my sister, Kristen, strips.
Yo, p*ssy!
He also manages to be a total tool.
I mean, look at that 'stache.
Gotta be a registered sex offender.
I need you to go find
Cherysh. She's MIA again.
He didn't pay sh*t
but I could think
of worse ways to spend the day.
Are you still f***ing here?
'Bye, Tanya.
F*** off! Mmm. What day is it?
It's Saturday.
OK, uh... I will
give you a blow job
if you tell him I had to
get my stomach pumped.
Huh?
Hm.
I'm more a grower than a shower.
Well, maybe this will
put you more at ease.
OK, I know this is kind
of bad, but... again.
Again.
Less work for me.
Then I could make
it safe and clean
Doo-doo doo-doo doo-doo
Oh...
Billy, open up,
it's Rick. Hey, Billy!
Ricky.
Don't let the attractive
exterior fool you.
She's dangerous.
Now, I don't like to point fingers,
but everything was
pretty much her fault.
Well, except for the dead people.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mrs Bender.
- How are you?
- Good.
Is Billy home?
Yeah, he's probably
upstairs, you know...
- OK.
- Hey, stay on the runner!
Hey, Billy, guess what.
Billy Bender... after he
flunked homeschool twice,
the state made his parents
send him to a real school.
Didn't help.
Oh, Rick, I thought
you were my mom.
Dude, it's called a lock.
Oh, my god.
Ah.
Could you pass me a tissue?
Thanks.
No. No.
- Dude, guess what.
- What?
- I kind of got a blow job today.
- Shut up! From who?
- A girl down at the club.
- A stripper?
You better hope she
doesn't have AIDS.
You really know how
to ruin a moment.
I'm just saying. I saw
this documentary...
Or maybe it was a movie?
Anyway, it was called 'Rent',
and everyone in it had
AIDS, and it sucked, Rick.
- The movie or the disease?
- The movie.
Mom!
You boys are still here.
Billy, I was wondering if you
could go down to the store
and buy Momma some cigarettes.
- Now?
- No, next Thursday.
Now. Go.
There's money in my purse, OK?
Oh, Ricky, I was wondering if
you could stay and help me
with something in the thing.
He really has come in
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"Behaving Badly" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/behaving_badly_3831>.
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