Behaving Badly Page #2

Can't wait until he turns 21.

So... you had an eventful day.

No more than usual, no.

Billy told me you got a blow job.

How? I literally just told him.

Well, the point is that I know.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Like, I said, "Kinda

got the blow job."

Rick, your mom, my best friend,

is going to find out if you

keep gallivanting around

with these... these hookers.

We're gonna have to come up

with some way to fix this.

Could we just keep it a secret?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Good.

OK. Was she good at it, at least?

Uh... I think so.

It's just so good that you

came out of your comfort zone.

- It's, uh...

- Yeah.

It's very important to...

try new things.

OK.

And I just think that if you do,

you need to experience them

in a, uh, safe environment.

Whoa, Mrs Bender. Are you

trying to seduce me?

No. My God, no, no, no, no.

OK, I just thought that you were...

No, I... I wanna be your teacher.

Yeah, I'm going to help you

gain much needed experience.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yes. No. Girlfriend?

Well, one day you will, and you

owe it to her to be ready.

- Sure.

- OK.

Come here.

Mmm. Does that feel good?

It feels good. It

feels really good.

You just raise your hand

if you have any questions.

My God. It's also really nice

to pay attention to the girls.

- To the what?

- The girls.

Yeah. Gentle.

Mmm... that's nice.

Mmm. I like that.

- Uh, Mrs Bender?

- Mm-hm?

I can't breathe.

Oh, it's OK, I'll

breathe for both of us.

Sometimes you look at

your life and say,

"I'm doing the best I can."

Other times, you have to

look at your life and say,

"I just f***ed my

best friend's mom."

But as I lay here the morning

after losing my virginity,

all I could think about was what

everyone would say if they knew.

You devil's spawn.

Nice one, son.

I want to see photos.

Does her p*ssy taste

like Seagram's?

No, I mean, it makes sense.

I mean, you guys hang

out, like, all the ti...

Oh, my God, his mom?

Jesus f***ing Christ!

You're a mother-f***er,

Rick Stevens.

I will never be your girlfriend.

Nina can't find out.

I'm gonna ask Nina Pennington out.

Right... you've had a boner for

her since the sixth grade.

She still doesn't

even know you exist.

Now's a good time to change that.

Doesn't change the fact she's

still dating Kevin Carpenter.

- Well, hello, gentlemen.

- Holy sh*t!

OK, I should probably

stop for a second

and give you the down-low

on Junior Dahmer here.

AW, f*** it.

- Hey, Karlis.

- So Nina Pennington, huh?

She is pretty, isn't she?

Don't you think you're setting

your sights a bit high there?

No. I mean, why not? I'm not

missing a toe or anything.

I like your bravado. It's cute.

Tell you what, what say I make

things a bit more interesting.

- Huh! Yeah, sure.

- Good.

I wager $1,000 that

you will not be able

to sign, seal and deliver

Nina Pennington.

Nobody's delivering

Nina Pennington.

- Sure I can.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- By Arbor Day.

Thanks for that unsolicited

stipulation, Billy.

So, two weeks. Is that a problem?

Nope.

Shake it, Rick. It's

creeping me out.

Oh, sh*t.

You made a bet with

a mobster's son.

Uh, a freshman just

got hit by a bus.

- Oh, whoa.

- Again? Cool.

Goddamn it. 1,000 bucks.

I'm a dead man.

- What the f***?

- Relax.

- You're having a holy vision.

- Who are you?

Saint Lola's the name. I'm the

patron saint of teenagers.

Don't bother looking me up

in the book of saints...

I'm unlisted.

A saint? What are you doing

in the boys' bathroom?

Old habits die hard.

You kind of look like my mother,

except with a camel toe.

I get that a lot.

Wait a minute, am I being punked?

You're being poped.

I'm here to help.

You're gonna help me score

with Nina Pennington?

It's not quite that easy.

The things we wish for

are rarely the things

we need, Rick.

So you're not gonna grant my wish.

I'm not a f***ing genie.

I'm a saint.

I'm here to make the

path a little clearer,

so you can make the right choices.

What the f***?

Look for the signs.

Attention, students...

this week's Drama Club

production of 'Pippin'

has been cancelled.

Kevin Carpenter,

the biggest f***ing

a**hole in the world,

and Nina Pennington's

current boyfriend.

We had every reason to hate him

after what happened last spring.

Billy passed out at

Greg Drubin's party

and woke up the next morning

with a condom up his ass

and fear in his eye.

Kevin waited a week to tell him

that it was a broom handle

that took his butt cherry.

We are through.

B*tch!

A sign. Saint Lola was right.

- Wait. Saint who?

- It's a sign from God.

God wants me to be

with Nina Pennington,

in every possible position.

I've graded your exams

and will be returning them

to you at the end of class.

However, I doubt if

you'll want them.

Miss Pennington got the only A.

- Yes, was it an A-plus?

- No.

And now who amongst us can

conjugate the verb 'vivo'?

What's a verb?

- Mr Stevens.

- Ah...

Ah, OK, the conjugation of vivo.

Uh, I believe that would

be 'vi', 'vive', V-V-V...

Well, that was viv-awful.

The correct conjugation

of the verb 'vivo' is...

Strike one.

..vivo, vivere, vixi...

Victum...

Principal Poole cancelled

classes that afternoon

so we could each mourn

Mr Apgar in our own way.

- Perfect timing.

- Huh?

Attention, all students.

All girls basketball players...

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi, I'm Rick Stevens from...

The slow kid from

Latin class, I know.

Uh, yeah. Congratulations on the A.

Thank you. Hopefully I'll

do better next time.

I was just wondering

if you needed a ride

to Mr Apgar's funeral.

- You're going?

- He was like a father to me.

I'm deep in grief

and sh*t right now.

Who said that you could talk

to my girlfriend, douche bag?

I'm not your girlfriend, Kevin.

We always get back together.

- You know that.

- Not this time.

Rick was just asking if

I would accompany him

to Mr Apgar's funeral,

and I said yes.

Really? Well, a funeral is a

perfect place for you to be.

'Cause you're a dead man.

- Kevin...

- F***!

So is that a yes?

What? What?

What? Nothing. Nothing.

OK. 'Bye.

I'm in.

You're dead.

I wasn't dead, not yet, but our

first date was at a funeral.

In retrospect, that might not

have been one of my best ideas.

That was a lovely service.

Is it just me or did he

look more alive dead?

From a higher window...

- Ew.

- I love this song.

Me too.

My parents don't like me listening

to a lot of pop stations,

due to all the satanic lyrics.

But Mindy has a CD. When I go

to her house, I listen to it.

I think he's so dreamy.

And before I could stop myself...

When he's in town,

I go to his concert

and hang with him backstage.

Wait, you know Josh Groban?

Yeah, we're pretty tight.

Then you must be going to

his show tomorrow night.

Yes, of course. Ha! Yeah.

I'd love to take you,

but I know your parents

wouldn't let you go, so...

Actually, my parents went to

Omaha for the world premiere

of 'Christ on Ice',

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