Behaving Badly Page #3

starring Johnny Weir,

and they're gone till Monday,

so they'd never know.

Great. Great.

- Strike two.

- This is so sensational.

Uh-huh.

I mean, it would really help me

take my mind off things, you know?

- Nina, are you alright?

- Your mom's gonna kill you.

You better get their

insurance information.

Oh, Rick. I'm stuck.

What the f***, dude?

Hey! Seriously?

I said b*tch I'mma f*** you up

Get the f*** out my face

I'mma show you what the deal is

B*tch, mother-f***er...

This totally reminds me of a

German porno I downloaded.

Father Krumins?

Richard. Oh, I am so sorry

about this slight mishap.

Shouldn't we call the police?

Miss Pennington, please

thank your mother again

for hosting such a splendid

bingo night last week.

I mean, her devilled eggs

were absolutely sinful.

Shouldn't we call the police?

I don't think that's necessary.

I mean, if you don't mind,

I'd rather not report it.

I'd hate for both our

premiums to go up.

Plus, these sisters have

taken a vow of silence,

so the fewer the questions

to answer the better.

Don't worry, the archdiocese

will take care of everything.

Peace out. Sisters? Better hurry.

Should we call the police? Pfft.

We pay you good money

to run this place.

That is the best you can do?

They look like they have

full-blown hepatitis.

It's the morning shift.

I mean, I'm working on putting

a breakfast buffet in here

that will blow your

f***ing mind, Vitolda.

I'm talking about eggs and

bacon, whipped cream,

sausage and a lap

dance, all in, $12.99.

You girls suck!

How many times have I told you,

you won't draw a crowd if

you don't draw a bath.

You make me sick. Get in

the shower. You, you're fired!

- I don't work here.

- Wanna go out for some Korean barbecue?

Ugh, oh, God.

Cops have been on our ass,

so business has been down.

That means receipts here

better go up, Jimbo,

or you're gonna be out of a job.

And probably a leg.

Jimmy? Hey, Jimmy. Jimmy,

I need to ask you a favour.

- Jimmy.

- F*** off, will you?

I need to talk to your

friend at the Paramount.

- For what?

- I need backstage passes.

For Josh Groban's concert tomorrow.

Well, I really need Britney

Spears to lick my balls.

No, wait, that wasn't it.

Well, I need J.Lo to stick

her finger up my ass.

No, that was my dad.

You know what I need? I need

my poop chute bleached.

- That's it.

- What? Look, I'll do anything.

Anything?

Seems Jimmy had a date too,

and he needed some ecstasy.

The dealer was running a

buy-20, get-5-free sale,

so I pocketed the extra pills.

I don't want you getting

the wrong idea about me,

but nowhere in the

Bible does it say,

"Thou shalt not take ecstasy."

That's true.

With Lucy's car being

fixed by the archdiocese,

I needed wheels to get

to Josh Graham's show.

I can't believe I just said that.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mrs Bender, I'm gonna

need to ask you a favour.

Anything. Anything at all.

I'm gonna need to borrow your car.

My car? Where are we going?

I have to follow my

dad to catch him

with his mistress for

my mom's lawyer.

Only I can't have my mom find out,

because she's liable to

do something violent.

- You know how she is.

- Oh, yeah.

Sure, that's very sweet of you.

Yeah?

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

You want to show me how

much you appreciate it?

Well, I'd better be going.

If you want the car...

Meow.

Jesus, you scared

the hell out of me.

That's the idea.

What are you doing here?

If it's about the ecstasy...

Relax, nowhere in the

Bible does it say,

"Thou shalt not take ecstasy."

- I'm more concerned with lying.

- But I really needed the car.

The betting, the adultery,

the not honouring thy

mother and father.

OK, I get it. I get it.

You're in quite the

pickle, aren't you?

On the one hand, if you do manage

to get Nina to succumb

to your advances,

you'll have to deal

with her delusional ex

with the rage issues.

On the other hand,

if she spurns you,

well, do you even have 1,000 bucks?

You're not helping me here.

Shouldn't you be telling me

how I should win her heart?

Things are never that easy, Rick.

Don't rush where you're going.

Otherwise you may never arrive.

Oh, and one more thing.

I know, the stealing.

No.

I'm going to Ibiza on holiday,

so you're on your own for a while.

Don't screw it up. Oh, and

look out for the Lithuanians.

- I'm redecorating.

- I can see that.

It's better, huh? More cheery.

- Yeah, sure.

- Oh, where's my car?

Uh, Steven has it.

As long as your a**hole

father doesn't.

- You watch, this time...

- You're gonna divorce him?

You betcha I am. Fat f***.

Mrs Bender? Mrs Bender?

Oh... Uh, hey, Mr Bender.

I'm getting ready to go hunting.

- Nice.

- Was he on to me?

Did he know I was screwing his wife

on their new Scotchgarded sofa?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I thought maybe

Billy could come along.

- No.

- You know, keep you company.

And he'll bring his new camera.

It's gonna be boring waiting for

them to leave the apartment.

Well, Billy's used to boring.

- OK, have fun.

- 'Bye, Momma.

Hey, did you hear about

the new Latin teacher?

He got killed in a

wreck on the I-40.

- There's a reason they call

Latin the dead language. - Huh?

Oh, by the way, we're not going

to Joseph's den of debauchery.

Well, then where are we going?

We're gonna go pick up Nina and

grab some backstage passes.

I've got a date with destiny.

As long as we don't

drive on the I-40.

This is the place. Turn here.

Ew.

He said 8:
30. We're just

a few minutes early.

I can't believe I'm

about to meet Josh.

I mean, this is the most

exciting thing I've ever done.

I met David Spade once.

Well, if it wasn't him,

it looked just like him.

So... what are your

plans after graduation?

I don't really have

any at the moment.

That doesn't sound very wise.

Oh, you meant plans? Like...

Oh, yeah, I have a lot of those.

How about you, you have any plans?

Oh, I'm gonna become a priest.

I definitely have a calling.

- And I'd call you out.

- What does that mean?

Nothing, it doesn't mean anything.

Hey, wait a second. I thought

girls could only be nuns.

- Only ugly girls are nuns.

- That's not true.

Yeah, that's not

true, Billy. Shut up.

Don't mind Billy. He's...

missing a chromosome.

So this priest thing, that's great.

You sure you wouldn't

rather just be

on 'American Idol' or something?

It's 8:
30.

A priest?

That means that she can't ever...

- I know, Billy.

- You just kicked my mom's car.

- Is everything OK?

- Yup, we're great.

What if she sees that dent?

She's gonna kill me.

She won't kill you if I

don't bring you home alive.

Rick!

She's gonna be so angry at me.

Billy, shut up. Here it is.

Jimmy, open up.

Where the f*** is my sh*t?

Here. My backstage passes.

You want your backstage passes,

you're gonna have to take

a good, long, hard look

at the ass, Cleaver.

- What?

- Jimmy Junior.

Do it, son.

Then you'll give me

my backstage passes?

Look at him, be a man.

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