Behaving Badly Page #4

Look at Ricardo.

The vomiting cobra.

The meat monkey.

- Do it, take a look.

- OK.

Now you're a man.

Can I have my backstage passes now?

Let me grab those for you.

Oh, by the way, go f*** yourself!

That douche bag. Now

what am I gonna do?

Dude, did you see his balls?

Guys, come on. We don't

want to keep Josh waiting.

- OK.

- Come on, come on.

Hey, Rick, isn't

that your dad's car?

Oh, sh*t, I think you're right.

- Whose car?

- What's he doing here?

F*** me!

Take that. Ride me.

Oh, Joseph. Do me doggy style!

That's Rick's dad.

And your... mom?

- Your p*ssy's so tight.

- Doubtful.

I think this is what my parents

were trying to shelter me from.

Are you ready for your turnkey?

- Those are both our dads.

- Yeah, I'm pretty positive.

I think I'm gonna

throw up. Oh, God.

I think I have an idea.

F*** me! F*** me!

Vice squad.

Oh, sh*t. Leave the dildo!

Let's go! Let's go!

Oh, my God, go! Hurry.

I'm getting in the

car, don't yell at me!

Hurry up, let's go!

Pamela's gonna kill me!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!

- Billy?

- Richard?

- Sh*t! Sh*t!

- You stay, mister!

Nina! Nina, come here, let's go!

- You stay right there, mister!

- You are so grounded!

- It was Rick's idea.

- What?

So... what's your name?

Nina.

Nina? That's a pretty

name for a... pretty girl.

Can I get you something, honey?

Tea? Soup? An HIV test?

These are brand-new Dockers.

You know I puke when I'm nervous.

What are we gonna do here? Hm?

I didn't know anyone could run

that fast wearing a harness.

Alright, cut the crap.

Excuse my French.

How much do you want?

As I see it... correct

me if I'm wrong...

you'd like us to

forget you were here.

We'd also like to

forget we were here.

The only thing that's preventing us

from falling into a

state of total amnesia

is this little dent

problem we have.

Now, if that just... went away,

we could forget everything.

- How you suppose we do that?

- Yeah.

You'll say you ran

into Mrs Bender's car

on the street outside

your apartment.

Why would his wife believe her

car was outside my apartment?

You'll have to trust

me on this one.

- Alright... deal.

- Deal.

You sure you're OK with Billy

and Mr Bender taking you home?

Totally. Your dad kind of

creeps me out. No of fence.

None taken.

Are you gonna be OK, though?

I don't know what I would do

if I found my dad in a motel

with our neighbour and

an underage hooker.

Yeah, it's not the

first time. I'm just...

I'm sorry we missed the concert.

It's OK. Actually, I had fun.

You did?

- Oddly enough, yeah.

- Really?

Well, I guess we'll have

to do it again sometime.

I'd like that.

Me too.

I know where you, Billy, Mr Bender,

and your son of a b*tch

father were last night.

- Don't even try to deny it.

- Well...

I had a detective

follow your father.

Not only were he and

Keith Bender at a motel

with some crack whore,

you and Billy were there

with some slut of your own.

What is it with the

men in this family?

You're such miserable

fucks, you gotta bring in

the neighbours to

pinch-hit for you?

Where is your father anyway?

I called to scream at

him, he wasn't there.

He is on a business

trip. Lithuania.

Figures he wouldn't be

here to face the music.

When I get back, I'm

gonna hire a lawyer.

Just you wait and see.

Where are you going?

What do you mean, where am I going?

- It's April.

- Rehab never works for you.

I think you've

developed an immunity.

It always works for me, until

I come home to my family.

Mom, really? Come on.

- What?

- Vodka? Nice.

Arriving at rehab sober

is like showing up

to a tennis lesson

without a racquet.

There's my cab.

Don't sell the house this time.

- Ricky! Yoo-hoo!

- Oh, sh*t!

Can I speak with you for a moment?

Yeah, you.

- Richard.

- Father Krumins.

Well, thanks again, Mrs Bender,

for opening your lovely home

to this week's bingo game.

Oh, not at all, Father.

Hopefully, next time Lois Enlow

won't get her prosthetic arm

stuck in the garbage disposal.

Took Keith four hours

to get that thing out.

- God bless you.

- Thanks. OK, yeah.

I spoke with your

mother this morning.

What were you doing with

that little slut yesterday?

- Which slut?

- How many sluts were you with?

One. None.

Nina's not a slut, she's

a friend from school.

I feel like you don't

really care about me.

- Sorry?

- Can I ask you a question?

- OK.

- Do you want to f*** me?

Uh, Mrs Bender, I have school.

Skip homeroom. Come on,

I'll write you a note. Let's go!

- Argh!

- Hello.

Hey, Karlis, what's up?

Less than a week before Arbor

Day. How's that going?

Good. I probably won't

even need that long.

Hey, how do you like your pinkies?

How do I like my pinkies?

I mean the way they currently are.

Yeah, I like my... pinkies.

You better be right.

A reminder, students,

this year's prom has

been cancelled.

Hey, you missed homeroom.

Where were you?

I was f***ing your

mother up the ass.

- What?

- Kidding. I overslept.

Hey, Billy. Hi, Rick.

Hi.

Everyone, this is Sister Marie

Therese Francine Dubois.

She will be filling in

for the late Mr Apgar,

and the late Mr Marquart, who

died so tragically on I-40.

Sister is a Carmelite nun.

She's taken a vow of silence.

However, given our urgent

need, Father Krumins

has gracefully granted the

sister special dispensation

for her to speak during class,

so she won't go to hell.

Sister.

I am very happy to be teaching you.

My name is Sister Marie

Therese Francine Dubois.

Since there isn't time to

get through what I want,

I will not have time

to take any quest...

- Hm.

- She died.

No, she's... just sleeping.

Bet you five bucks she wakes

in less than a minute

without anyone saying anything.

OK, you're on.

Come on. Come on.

30 seconds.

45 seconds.

55 seconds.

- Yes!

- Conquest of Gaul.

The forces of civilisation over

the barbarians in ipso facto...

Oh! Alright, double or nothing.

Count me out.

What? What do you want?

Are we gonna get the

rest of the day off

like we did for Mr Apgar?

I for one clearly feel

traumatised again.

Yeah, and besides,

we got totally gypped

when his replacement

bit it on the I-40.

Mr Marquart never

even taught a class!

Fine! You know, it's

your education.

I don't give a sh*t,

but after today,

I am going to draw up an

official school policy

on faculty fatalities.

Mr Stevens and Mr Bender, I'd

like to see you in my office.

- 'Bye.

- I don't feel so good, Rick.

Kevin Carpenter brought

to my attention

that you bet on whether

or not the nun was dead.

Kevin Carpenter is a dick.

- We bet on when she would wake.

- Billy!

You admit to gambling

on school grounds.

Well, this should be good for

a nice, long suspension.

I've been waiting to take

you two clowns down.

There's a parent

here to speak to you

about that thing that happened,

that one time over by that place.

Right now?

I'll be right back.

- I think I'm gonna be sick.

- Swallow it, Billy.

- What are you doing?

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