Best Man Down

1

[ WIND WHISTLING ]

[ CELL PHONE BEEPS ]

Hi. It's me. Um...

I know you're in Arizona for the wedding,

but I really need...

I just wanna talk to you.

Okay? So can you please

call me back?

[ BEEPS ]

[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]

[ MAN ] # Here in my arms

# All my dreams come true

# And we could watch [ MAN ON P.A. ] Okay,

everybody.

Let's get on the dance floor for

that Minnesota bride and groom,

Mr. and Mrs. Scott Thomas.

# Hold tight

all night through #

[ CHATTERING ] [ MAN #2

] What do you think?

# Oh, my sweet baby

This is my best day ever.

No. Best day?

Mm-hmm.

It's pretty good.

Yeah. How about you?

Is it my best day ever?

Yeah.

Excluding the bachelor party,

right?

Well...

[ CHUCKLES ]

Of course it was.

I gotta be honest though.

I'm pretty open-minded about

talking about the honeymoon.

Really?

Yeah, I am.

You and me and a bottle of red.

Deserted beach in Cabo.

I like the sound of that.

Me too.

Let's say good-bye to our

closest 75 friends and family.

Who wants a shot, baby?

[ LAUGHS ]

Come on. Little tequila

for the bride and groom?

I'm still good

with champagne, Lumpy.

Yeah, maybe when this dance

is over. Okay?

# [ DRUMS:
ROCK INTRO ]

Uh-oh.

Yeah.

It's over.

[ LAUGHS ] It sure is.

Come on. Come on.

You gotta celebrate, right?

Come on.

You only get married once.

You know, until you turn 40

and you trade in...

for the newer, sleeker,

better-looking models.

- I'm kidding.

- He's kidding.

- Okay, one time.

- All right!

- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t.

I thought you had...

My dress.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay!

It's okay. It's okay.

It's not a big deal.

Kristin, I'm really sorry.

I didn't...

I thought she was...

# [ MAN RAPPING ]

Kristin insisted on

this destination wedding.

I would have loved a Christmas

wedding in Minneapolis.

That would have

been lovely too.

But, you know, I told her...

that it was gonna cost

everybody a fortune...

to fly down to Phoenix.

Honestly, you can't even tell.

Will you button

the little buttons on the back?

Be careful.

You don't wanna rip

a $2,000 dress.

It was 3,000.

Does Scott know that?

Mm-mmm.

Man, I really, really hope

I didn't ruin her dress.

Oh, my God.

Would you stop it?

And even if you did,

when is she gonna wear the thing again?

I like the way you think.

That is good. [ LAUGHS ]

Oh.

Hey, man.

Thanks again for that loan.

Yeah. Sure, sure.

No, I... I mean it.

That was too much.

Well, consider it

a wedding gift, okay?

Oh, what are you talking about?

No. I'm paying you back for that.

It was way too much.

No, I'm serious. I didn't get

you a wedding gift. [ CHUCKLES ]

Take the cash.

I can't.

Take it.

Well...

Did you just kiss your tie?

No, I'm...

I've got drool.

Oh, that's charming.

Thank you.

You know the thing is...

[ STAMMERS ]

I need it.

I'll be honest with you.

It's embarrassing,

but I had no idea...

the honeymoon

was gonna cost so much,

and Rick screwed me so hard

on that commission.

Scotty, Scotty, Scotty.

Just stop.

I love you, man.

Oh, boy.

I do.

Okay.

Yeah, I do.

I wanna touch you.

Oh, come on.

I wanna get my hands on you.

[ LAUGHING ] Okay.

Okay. Is it too much?

That is too much. All right.

I got carried away.

Just man up and drink,

would you?

What is this?

I'm not even sure what it is.

Oh, my God.

You know,

I didn't say anything...

when Lumpy gargled champagne

during his toast...

or he decided to helicopter a

six-month-old during the groom's dinner.

He kept referring to himself

as "The Baby Whisperer."

No. It's not funny.

The kid vomited mashed peas

all over the lobby.

We have to pay for that.

# [ POP ROCK ]

Barkeep, another one.

[ MUTTERS ]

[ MAN ] # Here she come now Say Mony,

Mony #

# Shoot 'em down, turn around

Come on, Mony #

[ LAUGHS ]

# Hey, she gimme love

and I feel all right now #

[ SHOUTS ]

# We gotta toss and turn

and feel all right #

- # And I feel all right I say

yeah # - [ CHORUS ] # Yeah

# Yeah # Yeah

# Yeah, yeah # Yeah, yeah

# 'Cause you make me feel

# Work it, Mony

# So good # Work it, Mony #

# So good # Work it, Mony

# So good # Work it, Mony #

# So fine # Work it, Mony

# So fine # Work it, Mony #

# It's all right

# Work it, Mony

# Well, I feel all right

# I said yeah # Yeah

[ GRUNTS ]

- # Yeah

- # Yeah

# Yeah, yeah

All right, I'm up.

All right. All right.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE ]

# I love you, Mony, mo, mo, mo

Yes, I do #

# I love you, Mony, mo, mo,

mo Say I do # Hey. Come on.

I-I'm all right.

# I love you, Mony, mo, mo, mo

Say I do #

Set 'em up!

Let's go.

# Said I do

# I love you, Mony,

mo, mo, mo #

Lumpy, man.

Hey.

Hey.

All right. All right.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy,

I... Why don't you call it a night, man?

Hmm. What? What?

Time to pack it in.

What?

Yeah.

You're cutting off...

Dude.

You're cutting off

the best man?

Dude, come on.

You threw up in the women's bathroom.

No, I didn't.

Did I? You did.

One more drink. No, no, no.

Please. Come on.

Aw! You're so lame.

You're just...

You're just lame.

No, all right. Y-Y-You're lame.

You're lame-o.

All right. I know.

You're the lamest...

Ooh. Oh!

[ GROANS ] You okay?

Yes! Yeah!

I'm good. Yep.

Okay. Okay.

[ SIGHS ]

Thanks a lot, Captain Lame.

Captain Lame-o.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's great now.

Tomorrow morning it's...

gonna be another story.

[ LUMPY ] Livin' in a lamish community,

churnin' up that lame butter.

Sorry.

[ LUMPY ] Look out, everybody!

[ SINGING WITH TV ] # I knew

right from the beginning #

# That you would

end up winning #

# I knew right from the

start # [ POUNDING ]

[ MAN ] Shut up in there!

You shut up!

# You put an arrow through my

heart # # Through my heart

- # Round and round - Oh, God!

[ GROANS ]

# With love we'll find a way

Just give it time #

[ ALARM BELL RINGING ]

[ FADES ] # Round and round

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

[ RINGING FADES ]

[ RAGGED BREATHING ]

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

[ GROANS ]

[ WATER RUNNING ] Hmm.

[ GROANING ]

[ DOOR SHUTS ]

[ GROANING ]

[ GROANING ]

[ GROANS ]

[ BIRDS TWITTERING ]

[ KNOCKING ] [ WOMAN ] Come on.

Get up.

- [ KNOCKING ] - Ramsey, I'm not kidding.

You can't be late again.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ BLINDS OPENING ]

[ HOARSE VOICE ] Get up.

I'm up.

What is your problem?

Give me one second.

And don't hassle your mother.

What's going on?

Nothing.

I'm going to bed.

I don't know a Dave.

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

David? No.

[ SIGHS ]

Danny?

My boss's name is Danny.

He might be a Gemini.

What kind of danger?

Hey, um, you're gonna have

to try harder with Winston.

Where is he?

He went back to bed.

[ SCOFFS ] Oh.

I should go too.

Okay.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Bye.

[ BEEP ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

Ms. Shirley?

She says that Dan's in danger.

You know, Dan from work.

I'm gonna tell him.

You should call her sometime.

[ SIGHS ] By the way,

you never told me where

you slept the other night.

Why don't you ask

Ms. Shirley?

God, if you were

with some guy...

I was at a friend's house.

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