Better Watch Out

Just your nose and

then we're done, Mr. frost.

You butt-f***er!

I'm a baby.

Boys! It's dinner time.

Come inside please.

Hey, mom.

I know I said that I would stay

home and pack tonight but...

Yeah, of course

I'm wearing headphones.

Anyway, yeah, so surprise!

I'm not home. Um...

The Lerners asked me to babysit.

What?

Sneak off and see Ricky?

Why would you, why would...

Sh*t!

Sorry.

Ashley!

Ashley, are you okay?

Hi, mom, no, no, no,

everything's fine.

It's just traffic.

Mom, look, I gotta go.

I love you.

Yeah, yeah,

come here, come here.

Come on, give me a challenge,

give me a challenge.

Oh, that's right, you can't,

'cause I'm the best.

Okay, here we go.

Damn, I'm on a streak!

"Want to put her in the mood?

Watch a horror movie.

"When we're scared,

our brains pump out dopamine

"the same chemical we release

when we're aroused."

So fear really makes girls wet?

Told ya.

Bam!

You believe everything

you read online.

It's like with the paint cans.

Oh, my god, are we seriously

back to the paint can debate?

I ended that last week.

I was unconvinced.

No, no, no, no, no,

we looked it up.

That er doctor said

that the paint can

would've smashed

the robber's face in.

Just admit you're wrong.

Only reason to read this

stuff is for the pictures.

It's a plus. I know

what women want.

Dude.

What?

She's, like, twice our age.

I really don't think

it's gonna happen.

Five years. Big deal.

My parents are five years apart.

You don't get it.

Luke, Ashley's a ten.

A solid ten.

And you're like a fi...

Never mind.

She likes me, I know it.

It's tonight or never.

Okay, go ahead.

But my brother gave me weed,

so instead of trying to

bone your babysitter

maybe we could just, you know...

Puff-puff?

No, man, I'm going

through with the plan.

Don't mess it up for me.

I mean, Luke,

for both our sakes,

I truly, sincerely hope

you get some ass...

sistance...

Uh, with that

computer problem you got.

Like, technical assistance.

Call, uh, geek squad.

They're good.

Real smooth, Einstein.

You smell great,

Mrs. Lerner.

Don't you have a curfew,

Garrett?

Yeah, but my mom said

I could stay in...

Bed by 11:
00, okay?

I know.

And don't forget

to brush your teeth.

I will, mom.

I left pizza money.

Okay!

Robert.

Robert, turn that sh*t off.

It's giving me a migraine.

Yes, uh, darling.

My ornaments were conspicuously

missing from the tree.

We're not putting those

on the tree.

Bell shoes, or I'll chop your

legs off below the knees.

Are you sure you've never

sucked another man's cock?

Not even in college?

Not some lost weekend?

Fishing trip?

Secret, special friend?

Ever?

Not that I can recall.

Because, honestly,

Robert, this is so...

Meterosexual?

That's not even the word.

It's Metro.

Metrosexual.

I'm allowed to like gay things.

I need a drink.

Oh, my god, the fetus machine!

I forgot you still had this.

What the f***?

Dude! That is so creepy.

I'm sorry. Please tell me you

don't still sleep with this.

You totally do.

Shut up, dick.

You so do.

Of course not.

Hey, maybe it'll put you in the

mood while you're, you know...

She's here.

Good lord, you are breathtaking.

Thank you.

Nice sweater.

Thanks, nice tie.

Thank you.

So, uh, you're leaving us.

Deandra says that you're moving.

Yeah, in a couple of days,

to Pittsburg.

Did I give you permission?

So thank you for coming

because you've

gotta be busy packing.

Yeah, but I mean, I couldn't

leave without saying goodbye.

Wow! What

a nice thing to say.

Mrs. Lerner,

you look incredible.

Well, thank you. But I

told you, call me Deandra.

"Mrs. Lerner"

makes me sound fossilized.

Robert!

Oh, look who decided to

come out of his room.

Don't I remember something about

the trash getting taken out?

And don't forget the shovel.

Go on, Luke, and then

we can hang out.

Yeah, come on, you grab the garbage

and I'll get the recycling.

I don't know about you, tiger,

but I'm gonna miss that girl.

New carpets!

Damn it, rob.

Here we go.

Okay, I want to show you this.

Mmm-hmm.

We're going to do things

a little bit differently.

Lucas has been

sleepwalking again.

Oh.

No, crap!

Oh, just a minute.

Garrett, what are

you doing in here?

Oh.

Uh, do you have any itch cream?

My shoulder really... Top shelf.

Honestly, that kid

is a bad influence.

I want you to keep

an eye on him.

Once he's brushed

and he's in bed,

don't forget to give him

his sleeping pill, okay?

Then you take this pencil

and you put it

on his door handle.

See? Like that.

That way, if he stays in, great.

If he walks around, we know.

And what he doesn't know

can't hurt him.

Honey, it's time to go!

All right.

Okay, Ashley, call us if you

need anything, all right?

See ya. Good luck.

Now, don't stay up

and watch scary movies, okay?

It'll give you nightmares again.

Please don't do that. You're

embarrassing the lad.

Oh, Robert, that tie.

I know, right!

No, wrong.

Please, please, please?

Thank you.

Always be...

Prepared.

Please don't embarrass me like last year.

Oh, I promise.

Finally.

So, what do you wanna do?

Movie? Actually, I

gotta make a call.

So how about you hang out and

play video games or something?

This is just happening

so fast, you know?

I just need some space tonight.

Like, clear my head, say goodbye to

everything, if that makes any sense.

Ricky, of course

I wanted to see you.

I don't know.

11:
30.

Well, if you want to break

a few dozen perv laws,

you could always ignore me

and come over anyway.

Ricky, no, that was a joke.

No, don't.

Luke!

Luke!

What? There's a spider. Kill it.

Just kill it.

Squish it!

It didn't do anything wrong.

Ash!

Ah.

Ashley!

Ashley, are you okay?

What?

I can handle myself

just fine, thank you.

The answer's still no.

Go on.

You're free now.

There you go, big guy.

Ricky, I know.

Yes, I know I leave soon.

You know you're my guy.

Can't we hang out tomorrow?

Okay.

Okay. Okay, well, maybe

if kiddo falls asleep early.

Okay.

All right, bye.

Luke?

Luke!

Luke, where are you?

Luke, where are you?

Luke!

Lucas, what are you doing?

Oh, you won't?

No, you are way too young

to be drinking. Give me that.

Oh, this?

Yes, that.

Give it to me.

Lucas, stop!

What has gotten into you?

One time me and Garrett

drank a whole bottle.

He puked so bad.

He can't hold his liquor

like me.

Wow, I'm super impressed, okay?

Now, give it.

Lucas, I'm so serious right now.

Don't.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.

Pardon me.

You forgot to shut

the door, doofus.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Hey, no, sorry, I can't...

I can't talk right now.

He just opened

a bottle of champagne.

Uh-uh, no, that is

not an invitation.

Look, um, listen, I don't think

tonight's gonna to work out.

A chance to what?

Make things harder

than they already are?

What?

Okay, you know what? That was a low

blow, and I'm gonna hang up now.

Busted.

Me? What about you, mister?

Well, I won't tell if you don't.

Rate this script:5.0 / 3 votes