Big Nothing

'My name is Charlie Wood...

'I think I made a big mistake.'

Higher...

I can't, sweetheart.

Any higher, you're gonna hit the moon.

And get a bump?

That's right, smart girl,

and get a bump!

Oh, hey! Emily, look who it is.

- Hi, Isabella.

- Hi, Emilita.

- There we go... Hi, how are you?

- Hey, great.

Ok, I've got her lunch,

an extra Thermos of apple juice,

her Elmo doll, Mr Frizzles,

I got it, Mr Wood.

- Thanks. I'll see you at 5:00.

- OK.

All right, sweetheart. Come here.

High five...

First the Wyoming Widow,

now the Oregon Undertaker.

They just pulled a dead girl

out of the reservoir.

God! Suicide?

If she chopped off her own arms and

legs before strangling herself, maybe.

- Pen, I'm eating.

- They figure it's the Oregon Undertaker.

That's the fourth girl in six months.

Each one mutilated

and disembowelled...

- Pen! Pen!

- Oh, sorry baby.

Listen, Charlie. You don't

have to do this, you know.

Course I do. We can't go on

living on one income.

How many times have you

given Emily SpaghettiOs?

She likes SpaghettiOs.

Hey, baby. Trust me.

Once they buy your book...

Not a single publisher has called, Pen.

Not a single one.

'The term

"black hole" is of very recent origin.

'It was coined in 1969

by the American scientist John...'

We handle

nearly 200,000 calls a day -

the hotlines to some of the biggest

corporations in the country.

- Sentel Online. Melanie speaking...

... Melanie speaking. How can I help?

Again, my name is Melanie.

Have a great day.

Do you only hire women

named Melanie?

It's a trick of the trade. Callers like

to think they get the same service rep.

This here is the Melanie

and John section,

and you are over here

with the Jennifers and Stephens.

This is you.

What do you mean this is me?

I was told I had a supervisor position.

You gotta spend six months

in the trenches

before you can interview

for a supervisor.

But I have a PhD.

- Surely...

- Look. You want the job or not?

- Yeah.

- Great!

Gus here will help get you started.

- OK, Stephen.

- It's Charlie.

Sure it is!

In the File menu do you see

where it says Open?

Okey-dokey. Can you open

the Open menu?

Okey-dokey. Again, my name is

Stephen. Thank you for calling Sentel.

'I actually liked Gus

at first sight.'

- Welcome to hell, d*ckhead!

- 'Maybe not at first.'

- I'm sorry?

- Hell!

People hooked up to machines

like slaves.

And the smell...

It's pure underarm.

OK, so what do we do here?

Sentel Online, Stephen speaking.

How may I help you?

Okey-dokey, ma'am. Have you

checked to see if your PC is on?

No, I'm not a retard.

That's simply the protocol...

Sorry.

Okey-dokey. I'm gonna check that

with my supervisor real quick

and I'm gonna put you on hold.

You feel feisty, you whiney

little turkey-necked b*tch?

Why don't you hop up on my dick

and see if that fires your monitor?

Hello, ma'am. Thanks for waiting.

I'm gonna transfer you over to our

technical service department.

Okey-dokey? Please hold...

In the kingdom of the blind,

the one-eyed dwarf is king!

That's my wife, Stephanie.

Ex-wife! Keep forgetting!

And that there is my little daughter,

Thais.

- That's a pretty name.

- Yeah, it's Greek. It means 'Beloved'.

Thais has this problem

with her eye pressure

and the doctor said if she doesn't get

a cornea transplant in a year

then she's gonna go blind.

Every year, 65,000 diabetics

develop Proliferative Retinopathy,

one of the leading precursors

to blindness.

She's not diabetic.

Ahem! So, are you gonna be able

to afford the surgery before she...

Yeah, I hope so. If everything,

you know, goes as expected.

- What do you mean?

- Huh?

I have a plan.

Oh, hells bells!

'You see,

Stephen, I'm 65 years old now

'and my husband is asking me to do it

donkey-style...'

OK, ma'am. I'm going to transfer you to

our technical department. Please hold...

- Good god...

- Are you expecting a call?

Sentel Online, this is Charlie, er...

Stephen. How can I help you?

'Yeah, my IP Address is stuck on 169.'

OK, Sir. Have you checked

to make sure your computer is on?

- 'Didn't you hear what I said? '

- Yes.

Oh, IP Address. IP Address...

Here we go. Your IP Address

should start with 81.

So... does it?

'I told you it was stuck on 169!

Do the cleaners answer the phones?

- Sir...

- 'No, don't sir me, a**hole!

'Just help me out

with my f***ing problem! '

Please hold on while I check

with our technical department.

Yes, sir. Your wife is one

of 3.8 percent of American women

who engage in online chats with a

stranger, accompanied by masturbation.

'My wife died three months ago.

'But I'd like to discuss that

with your supervisor, Stephen.'

Hey! Charlie, wait. Wait!

- It's my fault.

- Don't worry about it. I'll be all right.

- Look, you know I said I had a plan?

- Yep.

Well, why don't you come in on it

with me?

You know, be like a partner

or something?

I sure as hell feel like I owe you one.

- It's not illegal, is it?

- What? No...

- Dickinson!

- Yeah. Right.

Look, meet me at the Monkey Wrench,

nine o'clock. OK? Yeah.

Choo-choo Charlie!

Hey, Max. Two bottles of your finest

mass-produced lager, if you please.

- So?

- Come here.

So, I stumbled across the database

at work.

The online history of each

and every member of Sentel Online.

Look, this is their record of everyone

in the state

that went online in the last three months

and logged on to an illegal porn site.

Now I figure there's gotta be

somebody in here

willing to fork over some coin

to keep things hush-hush.

- They all look the same

- And yet they're not.

- R-E-V Neville Smalls. What's R-E-V?

- Reverend.

Exactly! It's brilliant, don't you think?

- I don't think I'm criminal material...

- Wait, wait!

We're talking about a man of the cloth

who likes to watch teenagers

take off their clothes

and have god-knows-who

do god-knows-what to them!

Who's the real criminal here?

I tried to do things by the book, the

nine to five. You know where it got me?

My daughter is about to go blind,

Charlie. Blind!

- How much?

- 50 for me, 50 for you. Even hundred.

A hundred?

Thousand?

- Dollars?

- Not much to preserve one's reputation.

- What if somebody gets hurt?

- It's a non-violent enterprise.

No harm done whatsoever. Pretty

much all I need is for you to be my alibi.

- That's all?

- That's all.

OK...

Pick the blue one

and you go back to your old life.

But pick the red one

and you finally get to be a free man.

But, I must warn you, once you eat

the red one... there's no turning back.

Yes! I gotta tell you,

I was a little nervous about going solo.

OK. Rule number one -

preparation is king.

More than anything else,

we wanna rule out the element of...

- Surprise!

- Jeez!

Josie, how long were you sitting there?

Long enough to ask how you'd feel

about bringing in a third.

'Here's the touching story

of how Gus met Josie.'

Er... miss.

- Yes, sir?

- I'm gonna get the cheque.

- Why?

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