Big Nothing Page #2

- Does the chef have curly hair?

- No.

- I'm gonna get the cheque.

- You work at the call centre, huh?

- Yeah, how can you tell?

- Well, half the town does.

- Right.

- You have that look the rest of them do.

- What look is that?

That how much longer till I drop dead

so I don't have to go to my stupid job!

- That look.

- Yeah, that would be the one.

- You from here?

- Nope. Oklahoma.

- Oh, Oklahoma. What's that like?

- Nowhere near as sexy as you.

- Ahem!

- I'll get that.

So, care to hear about

our desert special?

Wow! Jeez! You sure are a very

forthright and smart girl, ain't ya?

That's what they said last year when

they crowned me Miss Teen Oklahoma.

- What?

- What?

- Miss Teen Oklahoma? Last year?

- Yeah.

- How old are you?

- 18... more or less.

Is it more or is it less?

Well... less, I guess!

Sh*t!

- What the hell's matter with you?

- You're a child!

Do I look like a child? Huh?

OK... Ah! Is there anything else

you forgot to mention?

- Who are you?

- Charlie Wood, Gus's former co-worker.

Josie McBroom.

Gus and I were an item.

- Ha!

- What?

- I'm sorry to interrupt, but what...

- I want in.

All right, read my lips, OK -

no f... g way!

- You guys can't do the job without me?

- Why?

Because, dumb-dumb, I'm the only one

who can make the call.

If the preacher records you

on his answer machine

they'll try and match it up with

the voice records from the call centre.

You guy's would be screwed,

stuffed and mounted.

- Is that true?

- Kinda.

How'd you work that out?

I told you, I was Miss Teen Oklahoma.

- How much do you want?

- 20,000.

For making 'the' phone call.

'The average person makes

about 1,140 phone calls each year,

'none of which go anything like this.'

May I speak to the Reverend Smalls,

please?

Hi, Reverend. Are you familiar

with a website that goes by the name of

teen orgies dot com,

or young and hung dot com?

Someone who knows what the mouse

plays when the wife's away.

Listen, sicko. I have a list of all your

favourite sites, your credit card number,

dates and times of all your connections,

so you better cut the crap!

- What do I want?

- 100,000 dollars.

- 200,000.

- What?

You heard me,

I want 200,000 dollars, cash.

Take it or leave it. But if I don't have

my money by tomorrow evening,

the next church newsletter

is gonna be a doozy!

And I'll be sending somebody.

Well, I think that somebody deserves

to made a full partner, don't you?

Wait! I took a chance and it worked.

Now we each get 70,000 dollars.

It's actually 66,666,

followed by an infinite number of sixes.

Thanks, Rain Man!

From now on, anybody pulls

any out-of-the-blue stunts, she's out!

If we're partners,

let's start acting like it.

This is the plan - I go get the money

at 9:
00 pm tomorrow.

'At the same time,

Charlie enters the Monkey Wrench

'and pretends we ran

out of gas on the road to Mill Creek.'

He also says that I'm on my way

to the gas station,

the one that opens 24/7, don't forget.

in a locker at the railway station,

I come back and tell everyone

about my walk in the dark.

If it comes up, Charlie was at the bar,

I was at the gas station.

The guy at the station

will say he never saw you.

- Sure. You why? Cos he's blind.

- Oh, pretty brill!

The following day we meet at noon,

we divvy up the money

and go our respective ways.

OK, now. Any questions?

Why don't we just divvy up

the money immediately?

Rule number two -

always let the dust settle after a job.

"Rule number two?" What, you've been

reading 'Blackmailing for Dummies'?

Any questions? Great.

Rule number three - no matter what

happens... always stick to the plan.

'The next day might have been

the longest one I'd ever known.

'For the first time

since I could remember

'I'd be able to bring security

and happiness to my family.'

'I couldn't tell you

if what I felt was fear or excitement.'

So, Mr Supervisor, talk to me.

Do you have a secretary?

- Yep.

- Is she pretty?

Pretty?

Er... no, she's more nondescript.

What's her name?

- Sharon.

- Sharon?

- Sharon what?

- Er... Stone.

- Sharon Stone?

- I know!

- So, how was your day?

- Oh, phenomenal

And to top it off,

the FBI is sending in The Eye.

- The what?

- The who?

Bionic, supersonic Special Agent

Chester Hymes, FBI. AKA The Eye.

Which is just what I need

with the Undertaker case out of control -

no leads, no fingerprints, nothing.

Honestly, why some folks suddenly

have to turn into criminals is beyond me.

- What if I did?

- What if you did what?

If I became a criminal.

Like if I, er... stole some money,

or something.

I'd arrest you.

But let's say...

let's say I had to.

Like we had no other choice

and I had to steal something, er...

because I had to. What then?

I'd arrest you.

- Why?

- A good cop always gets her man!

No... I'm serious, Pen.

Why...

Why should Emily have to put up

with second-hand toys,

second-hand clothes,

a second-hand life?

Charlie, you have your book, you have

me and Emily. And that makes us rich.

Hi.

Oh, what a crazy night!

- My car ran out of gas...

- You gonna order?

Sure. Beer, please.

One of your finest, mass-produced...

My friend, Gus... You know Gus.

Gus Dickinson, works down

at the call centre.

Reverend Smalls?

And that's where he is now -

walking down that road to the station.

Reverend Sma...

Smalls...

The old blind guy who runs the station

keeps it open 24/7.

Old blind guy is celebrating his 80th

birthday tonight, young fella.

Who the hell are you?

Er... I'm the guy that's here

to collect the money.

- Give me your gun.

- I don't have one.

You've come to get money from me

and you ain't packing?

Give my regards

to the big bearded guy.

You don't mean Santa Claus, do you?

Gus?

Gus?

Gus?

Gus?

Oh my...!

'If it's you, Jos, f***

off! Everybody else, leave a message.'

Josie? Josie? Pick up.

Josie, are you there?

We have a real problem here. Pick up.

Gus?

Gus?

Gus? Gus, are you there?

Gus?

Gus?

- Oh!

- Oh my God!

- What happened?

- What are you doing here?

The station was closed.

Our alibi! So I came here.

- Whoa! Calm down

- What the hell happened?

The bastard pulled a gun on me.

He was gonna shoot me

and I grabbed the gun and it went off.

No biggy.

- No biggy?

- I conked him on the head with a vase.

He's gonna wake up any minute now.

Oh, Gus...

I think I made a big mistake.

- Did you call the cops?

- I put him in the septic tank.

- Who?

- The corpse.

- What corpse?

- The reverend's corpse.

The reverend wasn't a corpse

when I left him.

- There was blood. I saw blood...

- It was my blood.

He shot me through the leg.

Look, it went clean through the muscle.

Oh my god.

Why didn't you answer

when I called you?

I was in the bathroom

cleaning the wound.

I checked his pulse. I mean, well...

- Maybe I missed it. 17 percent...

- You missed it?

What? Can't we get him

out of the tank?

- How long's he been down there?

- 10 minutes, tops.

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