Big Top Scooby-Doo! Page #3

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Well, maybe I don't feel like hello.

-Are you one of the clowns?

-No. I am an actor.

I have merely undertaken

the role of a clown.

That is a clown.

(HORN HONKING)

(DAPHNE LAUGHS)

No. You do not laugh at this honky-horn.

It is low comedy, undignified.

-I'm Daphne Blake.

-Yes, yes, the motorcycle girl. Marius said.

-The buffoon here is Sisko.

-Pleased to meet you.

-And I am Schmatko.

-Ha-ha-ha. Schmatko.

-What a great clown name.

-It is not a clown name.

I am Svyatopolk Stanislavevich Schmatko.

Sisko, that is a clown name.

Schmatko is a name of great dignity.

Once I toured the Soviet Union

performing the classics.

-Chekov. Pushkin. Turgenev.

-Bulgakov?

You know Bulgakov?

At last, a person of culture.

Sisko, we must show this cultured lady

our new routine.

Sisko.

And begin.

So? What you think, eh?

The umbrella represents intolerance.

Sure, I got that.

-Is funny, yes?

-Yeah, ha, ha, funny.

I like this motorcycle girl.

Okay. I go to make smoothie.

Who wants smoothie?

-One strawberry. Motorcycle girl?

-Oh, no thanks.

Fine, suture yourself.

Back in a littles.

(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN)

(WEREWOLF GROWLING)

(SHMATKO YELLS)

So the circus is a little different

than I'd always imagined.

-How so?

-It's full of crazy people.

Oliverio threatened to pop my head off.

I don't know

if your werewolf is real or not...

...but if you're looking for someone

with a grudge against the circus...

...there are plenty of suspects.

Schmatko has a lot of bitterness

about being a clown.

Archambault seems nice,

but he sure looks like a werewolf.

Like, that Doubleday guy says

he doesn't mind losing his job...

-...but I don't know.

-I know, I know.

-And there's one more suspect.

SHAGGY:
Wulfsmoon?

No way.

They've been performing in every town

where the werewolf has appeared.

Oh, so you're gonna blame them.

Just because they were there...

...and the lead singer

claims to be a werewolf.

-What?

-You couldn't have mentioned this earlier?

But it's just for publicity. I mean, heh,

he also says he's from Sweden.

-And he isn't?

-Duh. Of course not.

Sweden's just a made-up place,

like fairyland or Australia.

I bet you think kangaroos are real too.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-Shaggy.

-Sweden. Ha, ha. Duh.

Kangaroos.

(CHUCKLES)

Has he been kicked

in the head or something?

Not yet.

Like, all this speculationing

is making me hungry, Scoob.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guys, we are heading

for the legendary Cap'n Fatty's Rib Ranch...

...home of the

more-than-all-you-can-eat special.

You eat as much as you can,

then they force dessert...

-...down your throat with a spatula.

-My kind of place.

Anyone care to join us?

We'll catch up with you.

-Okay, bye.

-Just be back in time for the show.

I mean, seriously.

Like by a mule, kicked?

After this, Scoob, we will have visited

almost all of the greatest rib joints...

-...in America.

-Yeah.

All that's left is that one where the ribs

come with a coupon for free heart surgery.

-What's it called?

-The rib reaper.

Yeah, the rib reaper.

Someday, Scooby-Doo. Some....

(WEREWOLF GROWLING)

(SHAGGY GASPS)

Okay, when I say run, I want you to--

I didn't say it. Aah!

Huh?

(WHIMPERS)

(BOTH GASP)

(GROANING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Like, how did it get in there so fast?

I don't know.

FRED:

Shaggy and Scooby.

What's going on?

Guys, I think we hit something.

Werewolf!

(BOTH YELL)

There's two.

-And that one, I think it's Schmatko.

-I beg your pardon?

Schmatko, the clown.

I recognize his costume.

Schmatko, it's me. Motorcycle girl.

(ROARS)

He doesn't sound very friendly.

Actually he wasn't all that friendly

even before he turned into a werewolf.

(ALL SCREAMING)

DAPHNE:
This way.

SHAGGY:
No, this way.

(BOTH GASP)

DAPHNE:

Uh-oh.

They're after the girls.

We gotta do something.

It's time to take out the trash.

Dang. They're fast.

(CLANGING)

What's that?

I'm gonna guess it's Daphne and Velma

pounding on the manhole cover...

...you just buried under a ton of garbage.

DAPHNE:
Get us out of here.

VELMA:
We're in the sewer.

(FRED SIGHS)

Well, guess we better start digging.

Oh, this is worse than when the sword

swallower go the hiccups.

Did he leave a note?

(HONKS)

What about on the fridge?

Did you look on the fridge?

(HORN HONKS)

Of course I don't think you're stupid, I--

Don't you think I know that?

Thank goodness you're here.

Schmatko's missing. Sisko hasn't seen him

since 6 a.m.

Six-thirty.

-He's a werewolf.

-What?

We just got chased by two werewolves,

and one was wearing Schmatko's clothes.

They broke into the museum

and stole an emerald necklace.

He's collecting jewels.

And he's making more werewolves.

It's just like in lngolstadt.

I know this is bad, but we've got a show

to do in half an hour.

Nothing is impossible.

-Daphne, you'll stand in for Schmatko.

-I'm doing what now?

We'll need to fill some time.

Fred, can you walk a tight rope?

Of course, I maybe can.

Archambault can do cowboy routine.

-Not the cowboy routine.

-Why you no like cowboy routine?

Is best superb. I can make it

space cowboy for this "Celestia" thing.

Fine, do it.

With that we should be okay.

As long as Shaggy and Scooby

go over well.

Come on, everyone get into costume.

It's showtime, folks.

(SNIFFS)

What's that smell?

-We were in the sewer.

-And we were digging through garbage.

(LAUGHS)

You Americans really know how to party.

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING

OVER SPEAKERS)

-Everyone ready?

BOTH:
No.

Great. I'm going to start the show.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Ladies and gentlemen.

With the finest talent

from five continents...

...the Brancusi Circus presents, "Celestia."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(HORN WAILS)

(DAPHNE SHRIEKS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

LENA:

Mm.

(GROWLS)

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Whoa.

Do it again. They love it.

(SPEAKlNG IN SPANISH)

(YELLS)

Heh. I fell.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Nice working with you.

Yippee-ki-yay,

I am the space cowboy, oui?

But in Quebec,

cowboy don't do things the easy way.

(LAUGHS)

(WHINNIES)

(LAUGHING)

Is best superb, oui?

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

You see what I mean?

It makes people uncomfortable.

Totally.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...may I present Scooby and Shaggy?

Hello, Atlantic City.

I give you Scooby-Doo.

AUDIENCE:

Ooh.

Ta-da.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I'm Shaggy, his, uh, trainer.

AUDIENCE (CHANTING):

Shaggy! Shaggy! Shaggy!

But what about me?

Shaggy! Shaggy! Shaggy!

That went well.

You're up, human comet.

I can't do this.

(SHRIEKS)

-Don't worry. You are going to be fine.

-You think so?

Eh, fifty-fifty.

Aah! Werewolves.

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

(GROWLING)

Well, that's a relief.

(CHATTERING)

Those costumes are awesome.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Like, don't bite us.

I don't wanna be a werewolf.

And I'm already a dog.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Get away, shoo. Go chase a cat.

Huh?

There has to be something we can do.

Usually I drop a net on....

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