Bill Hicks: Revelations

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Live at the London Dominion Theatre

"Revelations"

On December 16, 1961, the world turned upside down and inside out,

and I was born screaming, in America.

It was the tale end of the American Dream,

just before we lost our innocence irrevocably,

and the TV eye brought the horror of our lives into out homes

for all to see.

I was told when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted.

A fireman, a policeman, a doctor. Even President, it seemed.

And for the first time in the history of mankind,

something new, called an astronaut.

But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns,

I always wanted to be the cowboy hero.

That lone voice in the wilderness,

fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it,

and standing for freedom, truth and justice.

And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream,

wherever I go,

in my never-ending ride into the setting sun.

You're in the right place. It's Bill.

I'm living out in Los Angeles now so,

you know, I like coming over here,

you know, for the weather.

You guys have weather. Cool...

Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny,

today, hot and sunny,

tomorrow, hot and...for the rest of the...

...hot and sunny, every single day, hot and sunny.

And they love it.

"Isn't it great, every day, hot and sunny?"

What are you, a f***ing lizard?

Only reptiles feel that way

about this kind of weather.

I'm a mammal,

I can afford coats, scarves,

cappuccino and rosy-cheeked women.

LA is the home of the pedestrian right-of-way law.

What this law is,

is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road,

anywhere or any time

on the road, every car has to stop

and let this person cross the road.

Yes, 'cause only in LA does common courtesy

have to be legislated.

Every car has to stop. Pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in now, right?

If someone steps in front of your car here, you speed up and turn your wipers on, you know.

"Bad call brother."

"Must've had a bad day. I don't know."

Stupid law...

How many of you all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots,

when those people were being pulled out of their trucks

and beaten half to death - how many of you all wondered, like I did...?

Step on the f***ing gas, man!

They're on foot, you're in a truck...

...I think I see a way out of this!

That pedestrian right-of-way law...

People are driving home,

a gang of youths stepped in front of their truck,

Molotov cocktails, clubs in hand,

everyone of these idiots...

I guarantee you that Reginald Denny, that truck driver...

[Denny is a truckdriver who got pulled

from his truck and was brutally beaten]

Never gonna stop again as long as he lives.

[Denny is a truckdriver who got pulled

from his truck and was brutally beaten]

Could be an old woman

with a baby carriage crossing the road. He's..

"Not today, baby."

Not a time to quit smoking, kids

But I f***ing did it.

And yes, I miss' em...

It is hard to quit smoking.

Everyone of them looks real good to me, right now.

Every cigarette looks like it was

made by God, rolled by Jesus,

and moistened shut

with Claudia Schiffer's p*ssy, right now.

"Golly, that looks tasty"

Every time I'm here something weird happens,

this time Bush lost... Cool!

People ask me where I stood politically, you know.

It's not that I disagree with Bush's

economic policy or his foreign policy.

Is that I believe he was a child of Satan

here to destroy the planet Earth.

Yeah, I'm a little... a little to the left there, I was.

I was leaning that way.

Yeah, you know who else is gone?

Little Quayle boy. Little Damien.

Is that guy Damien?

Tell me those blank empty eyes

aren't gonna glow red

in the very near future.

"Stop making jokes about meee..."

"I'll spell potato any f***ing way I want."

"Rioters in LA, let's nuke them."

"Bush was a p*ssy."

"He held me back."

Frightening people, man.

Bush tried to buy votes

towards the end of the election.

Goes around, you know,

selling weapons to everyone,

getting that military industrial

complex vote happening for him.

Sold 160 fighter jets to Korea

and then 240 tanks to Kuwait

and then goes around making speeches

why he should be Commander-in-Chief

because, "We still live in a dangerous world."

Thanks to you, you f***er!

What are you doing?!

Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!

Quit arming the f***ing world, man.

You know we armed Iraq.

I wondered about that too, you know?

During the Persian Gulf war

those intelligence reports would come out:

"Iraq:
incredible weapons,

incredible weapons."

How do you know that?

"Uh, well...

...we looked at the receipt."

"Ah, but as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in."

"What time's the bank open? Eight?

We're going in at nine."

"We're going in for God

and country and democracy

and here's a foetus and he's a Hitler.

Whatever you f***ing need, let's go.

Get motivated behind this, let's go!"

Oh-oh, looks like Mr. Major

was on the hot seat there for a second, too.

Little Iraqgate,

little rapscallion he is.

"Did we send, did...I don't...did...?"

"I'll have to check Maggie's old calendar."

What's funny about this,

every one of your papers says

that you guys sold Iraq "machine tools"...

which Iraq then converted...

...into military equipment.

I have news for you folks,

a cannon is a machine tool.

Your Orwellian language notwithstanding,

it's a f***ing machine, it's a tool.

Our papers in the States have the same thing.

We sold Iraq "farming equipment",

which Iraq then "converted"...

How do they do this?

"Simsalabim simsalabim aa salabim sim sim sim salabim."

Wow! It was a chicken coop,

it's now a nuclear reactor!"

"This war's for Aladdin."

Farming equipment which they converted into military,

okay, you got me, I'm curious,

exactly what kind of farming equipment is this?

"Oh! okay, well it's stuff

for the farmers of Iraq."

Yeah?

What?

"Ooh...okay...uhh...well... Oh, one of the

things we gave them, just for the farmer,

it was new thing we came up with,

called...uh...the...uh...

flame-throwing rake."

"No, it was for the farmer, see, he would

rake the leaves and then just turn around..."

"But you know what

the Iraqis did with that?"

There's no trees in Iraq, what are you sending them rakes for, you a**hole?

"We could have done our research better, perhaps, yes."

What else did you sell 'em?

"Okay, uhh...one of the other things we gave 'em

is a new thing... for the farmer."

"The, uhh...armored tractor."

"No, farmers when they farm, will look over their shoulders, at times, and they won't see a tree

and they'll hit it, maybe, and there'll be a wasp nest in the tree, and the wasps will come 'n sting 'em."

"So we put four inches of armour

all over the tractor.

And a turret to shoot pesticide on the wasps."

"Yeah, but you know what

the Iraqis did with that?"

"Can't trust 'em."

I'm so sick of arming the world and then

sending troops over to destroy the f***ing arms.

You know what I mean?

We keep arming these little countries

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