Bill Hicks: Revelations Page #2

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then we go and blow the sh*t out of 'em.

We're like the bullies of the world, you know?

We're like Jack Palance

in the movie "Shane"...

Throwing the pistol

at the sheep herder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, mister,

you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun".

"Mister, I don't want no trouble,

I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife."

"I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff."

" I ain't looking for no trouble mister."

"Pick up the gun."

"You all saw him. He had a gun."

Kennedy, I love talking about the Kennedy assassination

because to me it's a great example of,

uh, a totalitarian government's ability

to, you know, manage information and thus

keep us in the dark any way they...

Oh sorry wrong meeting... Ah, sh*t.

That's the meeting we're having tomorrow

at the docks.

I love talking about Kennedy.

I was just down in Dallas, Texas.

You know you can go down there and, uh, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated.

And you can actually go to the sixth floor of

the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called...

..."The Assassination Museum".

I think they named that

after the assassination.

I can't be too sure of

the chronology here but...

Anyway, they have the window set up

to look exactly like it did on that day.

And it's really accurate, you know,

'cause Oswald's not in it.

Painstaking accuracy, you know.

It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'.

It's glassed in, it's got the boxes sitting there.

You can't actually get to the window itself

but the reason they did that, of course,

they didn't want thousands of american

tourists getting there each year going:

"No f***ing way!

I can't even see the road."

"Sh*t, they're lying to us!

F***!"

"Where are they?"

"There's no f***ing way."

Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge.

Either that, or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade...

Surely someone would have seen that.

You know, there were rumours

of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars...

Someone overhead them saying:

- "coup, coup"

Unbelievable. And you know what's wild?

People's attitudes in the States about it.

Talking about Kennedy, people come up to me:

"Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man. Let it go."

"It's a long time ago - just forget about it."

I'm like, alright,

then don't bring up Jesus to me.

As long as we're talking shelf life here.

"Bill, you know Jesus died for you" - Yeah, well it was a long time ago. Forget about it!

How about this? Get Pilate to release the f***ing files.

Quit washing your hands,

Pilate - release the goddam files.

Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?

"Bill, it was just, you know...

...taking over of democracy by a totalitarian government, let it go."

That's another good thing

about Bush being gone, man,

'cause for the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush,

we have had fundamentalist Christians

in the White House.

Fundamentalist Christians who believe

the Bible is the exact word of God,

including that wacky fire

and brimstone 'Revelations' ending,

have had their finger on the

f***ing button for 12 years.

"Tell me when Lord, tell me when.

Let me be your servant Lord."

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating!

These people actually believe that the bi.., uh,

the world is 12 thousand years old.

Swear to God!

Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible

and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve,

their ages - 12 thousand years."

Well how f***ing scientific, okay. I didn't know

that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good.

- You believe the world's 12 thousand years old?

- "That's right."

- Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

- "uh huh."

- Dinosaur.

You know the world's 12 thousand years old

and dinosaurs existed,

and they existed in that time, you'd think it would

have been mentioned in the f***ing Bible at some point.

"And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth.

But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...

with a splinter in his paw.

And O the disciples did run a shriekin':

- What a big f***ing lizard, Lord!"

"But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw

and the big lizard became his friend."

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland

where he lived in a loch for O so many years

inviting thousands of american tourists

to bring their fat f***ing families

and their fat dollar bills.

And O Scotland did praise the Lord.."

"Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

Get this, I actually asked one of these guys:

Okay, dinosaur fossils - how does that fit into you scheme of life?

Let me sit down and strap in.

He said, "Dinosaur fossils?

God put those here to test our faith."

Thank God I'm strapped in, right now, here, man.

I think God put you here to test my faith, dude.

- You believe that?

- Uh huh.

Does that trouble anyone here?

The idea that God...

might be... f***in' with our heads?

I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge.

Some prankster God running around:

"We will see who believes in me now.

I am God, I am a prankster."

"I am killing Me."

You know, You die and go to St. Peter:

"- Did you believe in dinosaurs?

- Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere..."

"You f***in' idiot. Flying lizards, you're a moron!

God was f***in' with you!"

"It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!"

"Enjoy the lake of fire, f***er!"

You ever noticed how people who

believe in creationism look really unevolved?

Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together,

eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.

"I believe God created me in one day"

Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

They believe the bible is the exact word of God

Then they change the bible!

Pretty presumptuous, hu huh?

"I think what God meant to say..."

I have never been that confident.

Next we have a bible out called 'The New Living Bible', it's the bible in updated and modern English.

I guess to make it more palatable for people to read.

But its really weird, when you listen to it.

"And Jesus walked on water.

And Peter said, 'Awesome!'"

Suddenly we got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee. Christ's Bogus Adventure, ya'know.

Deuteronomio 90210, ya'know..

Such a weird belief. Lot of Christians

wear crosses around their necks.

You think when Jesus comes back

he's gonna want to see a f***ing cross, man?

Maybe why he hasn't shown up yet.

"Man, they're still wearing crosses. F*** it,

I'm not goin, dad. No, they totally missed the point."

"When they start wearing fishes

I might show up again."

"But... let me bury fossil heads with you Dad"

"F***'em - let's f*** with them!"

"They're f***in' with me now, lets get'em."

"Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad."

You know, kinda like going up to Jackie

Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.

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