Bipolar Page #4

little cemetery employee barges in.

He starts tappin' on his watch and

telling you they f***ing close at 6:00.

I mean, you might have lost it

a little, too, you know.

So anyway, there's this,

there's this shovel, right.

This freshly dug grave nearby.

Well, I grabbed that shovel and

I smashed his head so hard,

f***er spun around like a

cartoon character, boing.

F***in' fell right

into the hole.

And then I buried him

in his own cemetery.

How's that for

poetic justice, Doc?

Anyway, this was

all just a mishap,

just a little bump

on our way to greatness.

God damn! You and I

make such an awesome team.

I actually feel a lot better,

now that I talked to you.

Oh, and I'm sorry about

that little meltdown earlier.

Oh! And forget what I said about the pills.

I'm gonna keep takin' 'em.

You're such a sweet guy, Harry.

Don't ever change, because I

really like the way you are.

I've been a bad boy, Doctor.

I picked up a hooker tonight,

but it's not what you think.

I just want somebody to talk to.

So we go to this seedy

motel room and she says,

that's your thing,

talkin' to hookers?

I explained how I've

always liked to talk to women

about how I used to blab to my mom

all the time and that unfortunately,

she killed herself

when I was a kid.

She looks at me...

totally indifferent.

Obviously she doesn't care very

much about what I have to say.

Fine. Whatever.

I keep on talking.

I tell her how at first

I was very angry at my mother

for abandoning me

with my horrible father

but in the end I realized

it wasn't her fault.

That she loved me very much and

that she didn't mean to hurt me.

And as I'm telling her this,

the b*tch pulls a compact out of her purse

and she starts touching up her lipstick.

Ok. Regardless,

I keep on blabbing.

I say that as the years went by I began

to understand why my mom killed herself

and that eventually

I learned to forgive her.

She looks at her f***ing watch

and she says, tick-tock.

Can you believe that?

Tick tock. So what do I do?

You want more money!

Here's more money, take it!

Take it all, I don't care!

I stole it from some a**hole.

She looks at me, all confused.

I laugh and I tell her to

calm down, it's ok. Relax.

Take the money,

it's yours, really.

There's plenty more

where that came from.

And I grab her f***ing head and slam

it against it against the bed frame.

Now as I continue repeatedly banging

her head against the bed frame,

you know what I tell her, Doc?

I say, tick tock. Tick tock.

Well, Doctor,

it's looking more and more

like it wasn't such a bad idea after

all to discontinue my treatment.

But the thing is, I can't.

I mean, I can, but I don't want to.

I don't want to

be Harry anymore.

I think I like

being Edward better.

You see, Harry was such a

depressed suicidal little victim.

But Edward has

so much energy, confidence.

So Doctor, I've come to the conclusion that

I would rather be alive in hell as Edward

than dead in my pathetic and

joyless little existence as Harry.

And of course I feel ashamed of the things

I've done once I transform back into him.

But I immediately pop one of your pills

to feel the ecstasy of being Edward again

and all that shame and guilt

just magically melts away.

And you know, when you

really think about it,

that pathetic cemetery dude and that

little whore, well, they deserved to die.

They disrespected my mother,

they disrespected me, Doctor.

Anyway, they're just

a couple of lowlifes.

The way I see it,

I did them a favor.

And I can see how most people

would call me a monster.

But that is a small price

to pay for being Edward.

Thank you, Doctor,

for all that you've done.

Without you, I never could have

reached my full potential.

Actually, without you,

I'd probably be dead by now.

And I have no idea where

this journey's going to lead

but I want you to be there with me,

every step of the way.

So I'm going to continue to

record this little diary for you.

We're going to

finish it together.

Harry's dead.

Long live Edward.

Please don't;

I look terrible.

- You never look terrible.

- Thanks.

Tada!

Will you do my back?

You should put some on, too.

You're gonna get burned.

- I love you, Harry.

- I love you, too.

Come back to bed, Edward.

I'm waiting for you.

What's wrong, baby?

Come with me to the bedroom,

I promise I'll turn that frown upside down.

Do you remember

the first time we met?

Yeah. Yeah, you were

cooking pasta or something.

And you were wearing that outfit I like.

You looked really good.

No, before that.

When we first met.

I guess that was the first time

I really started noticing you.

Exactly. Before that,

I was invisible to you.

Listen to me.

When we first met, I was Harry.

Harry didn't mean sh*t to you.

But now Edward, on the other

hand, you can't get enough of.

Are you high? You're not

making any sense right now.

Don't interrupt me.

You would never

go out with Harry.

Now all you want to do

is f*** Edward.

You are so

f***ing stoned right now.

Shut up!

Stop!

You're hurting me, Edward!

Don't you ever raise

your hand at me again.

See that little box there?

It's for you.

Take it. Take it, I said.

Open it.

Is that for me?

Edward,

it's beautiful. I love it.

It's a promise ring.

I promise that I will f***ing

kill you if you ever leave me.

Now, go wait for me in the room...

I'll be with you in a minute.

Hey. Don't go in the

bathroom for a while.

I pooped something evil

and we're all outta matches.

You guys fighting or something?

I heard Ivy yelling.

None of your business.

Don't tell me.

Edward, right?

So you smoke cigarettes now?

What's up with you these days?

You drink and smoke like crazy.

You treat people like sh*t. You disappear

all night. You're not yourself, man.

Duh.

I hardly see you anymore,

Ivy. What's up with that?

Come on,

just go out with me tonight.

Kevin's gonna be at the party.

We'll have fun, I promise.

I'm sure it'll be fun,

Sarah, but I can't.

You can't because you're

afraid of him. That's why.

I'm not afraid of anyone.

Nice ring he gave you.

Nice bruises, too.

If a guy ever touched me

like that, I'd...

Honey, I'm home. And who is

our outspoken caller?

This is my friend, Sarah.

Oh, it's nice to meet you,

Sarah. I'm Edward Grey.

Hi. I better get going.

Oh, no, no, no.

This could be interesting.

The three of us, discussing friendly

details. Get to know each other better.

I'll call you later, Ivy.

Sarah, I think that you should

come by sometime when I'm here.

I sense you don't like me very much,

but you'll see. I tend to grow on people.

- Goodbye, Ivy.

- Bye, Sarah.

- Sarah is a very pretty girl, isn't she?

- Yeah, she is.

Is that why

you looked so scared?

You're afraid that I'll become

interested in her, aren't you?

Ah! Ow, you're hurting me.

Please let go.

Oh, poor baby. Calm down.

Just playing with you.

What would my little princess

like to do this evening?

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