Black Christmas

(low whirring)

(wind chimes tinkling)

(robust jazz music playing)

# Old Mr. Kringle|is soon gonna jingle #

# The bells that'll tingle|all your troubles away #

# Everybody's waiting|for the man with the bag #

(distant):
# 'Cause Christmas|is coming again #

# He's got a sleigh full #

# It's not gonna stay full|of stuff that he's dropping... #

- (cork pops)|- (distant, indistinct chatter)

# Everybody's waiting|for the man with the bag #

# 'Cause Christmas|is coming again #

# He'll be here #

(chatter continues)

# He's got a sleigh full #

# It's not gonna stay full #

# Of stuff that he's dropping|every stop of the way #

# Everybody's waiting|for the man with the bag #

# 'Cause Christmas|is coming again #

# He'll be here... #

(chatter continues)

(rustling)

# #

(door squeaking)

(clattering in distance)

(rattling)

(sighs)

# #

(sighs)

(muffled screaming)

(distant cackling)

(buzzer sounding)

(cackling continues nearby)

(orderly humming)

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas|from your friends and family

at the Clark Sanitarium.

ORDERLY:
|Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

PATIENT:
|Leave me alone!

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Happy birthday.

Behold. Wise men from the east|came to Jerusalem,

saying, ''Where... ''

How'd you get in here?

The door was open.

I was looking for the children's|ward, and I got lost.

GUARD:
This ain't no place|for Santa Claus.

Not at Christmas.

(patient screaming in distance)

Lenz?

(door squeaking)

Billy Lenz?

That's the guy that killed

his family at Christmas,|back when I was a kid.

You know, a lot of|people say he's dead.

(squeaking)

Poke your head inside.

Check if he's been naughty|or nice.

No, that's... it's okay.

I thought so.

You guys keep him locked|up with just a padlock?

That lock's just to make him|feel at home.

Right, 'cause his mom kept him

locked in the basement|his whole life.

The attic.

See, that's the key|to Billy Lenz.

He just wants to "feel" at home,

especially on Christmas.

He's tried to escape|every year...

...just to be home on Christmas.

It tastes like chicken.

Because it's chicken.

It's the closest|we could get to how

Mom used to taste.

Kyle...

Kyle...

- Mm.|- It's late.

I have to go inside.

Mm-mm.

- Mm-hmm.|- Mm-mm.

They might be waiting for me.

(''Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy''|ring tone plays)

See? That's them calling.

You can be with them any time.

Yeah, but it's not|any time, though.

It's Christmas.

I know, but it's our first.

We should be together.

We will.

On Christmas Day.

I can't wait until you|see what I got you.

(both chuckle)

And then, we'll be|together all week.

Well, besides when|I have to work.

Look, I'm excited,|baby, but I got to be

with my sorority sisters, too.

I mean, I've never|really had a big family.

I'm your family now.

I love you.

I'll see you later.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

(jingle bells ringing)

# I love|those J-l-N-G-L-E bells #

# Bong! #

# Jingle bells #

# Jingle bells,|jingle all the way #

# Oh, what fun it is to ride|in a one-horse open sleigh #

# Jingle bells,|jingle bells... #

WOMAN:
|Billy.

(sighs)|Billy.

Billy...

Girls, I can't find|Billy's present

under the tree here.

Come on, girls, we can't|start the Secret Santa

without Billy's present.

Hello? Who drew

Billy's name?

Um, Ms. Mac,|it's a Secret Santa.

Can't we just get on with|this thing, so I can party

for a few days|before having to deal

with the family on Christmas.

Have you looked outside?

It's raining hail the size|of Yao's ball sack.

It'll stop.

The party gods won't allow me|to be here by myself

- over Christmas break.|- Oh, I'll be here, Dana.

Yeah, they're making me work|next week.

That sucks... everyone|should be home for Christmas.

All right, all right,|who's not here?

Um, like everybody.

Chelsea?

She went home this morning.

- Greer?|- No, that was her on the phone.

She and Erin and Taylor

are off on that cozy|little ski trip

with the boys|from G.A.D. next door.

Didn't I see Clair earlier?

Isn't she upstairs|writing a card to her sister?

No, I think her sister|picked her up earlier.

Remember, this is the occasion

for Clair and her sister|and her mom

to... bury the hatchet|and rediscover

each other.

Oh.

I'd like to bury the hatchet|with my sister...

(dialing)

...right in her head.

(man cackling in distance)

(patient yammering in distance)

(patient yelping in distance)

(patient shouting in distance)

(chair squeaking)

(patient whimpering nearby)

In your dreams, Billy.

In your dreams.

# #

# #

# #

(girls giggling)

Lauren, we're opening up|presents.

(door opens)

Clair, we're opening up|presents.

Okay, I realize that|you're an only child,

so let me explain.

Christmas is just Darwin.

The weak get eaten.

(pounding)

We're opening up|gifts right now!

If you're not downstairs|in five minutes, your presents

are mine!

(chuckles)

Now show me.

Okay.

(pounding at door)

We're opening up|presents in five minutes!

If you're not downstairs,

then I'm going|to take your presents.

Just f*** Christmas.

F*** it.

(softly):
|Whatever.

Hey, Megan, are you okay?

Yes!

(whispering):
|No.

Megan...

(sighs)

LAUREN:
|Honestly, Santa loves...

(footsteps)

(chair creaking)

(panting)

(clattering)

(footsteps)

(creaking)

(''Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy''|playing)

(creaking)

(creaking)

(clattering)

(door creaking)

(song continues)

(playing ''Dance of|the Sugar Plum Fairy'')

All right.

Who's f***ing with me?

(song continues)

Clair?

What are you doing?

(screaming)

(muffled screams)

(screaming)

(''Deck the Halls'' playing)

# Fa la la la la|la la la la #

# 'Tis the season to be jolly #

Hey, Santa, if I sit|on your lap,

will you give me|what I want for Christmas?

(chuckles)

SANTA:
I don't know,|you've been good all year.

You sure you want to blow it|on the last day, huh?

I'll be good.

I bet you will.

Happy holidays.

- Yeah.|- (scoffs)

Ever seen the backseat|of a sleigh?

(door closing)

# Fa la la la la la|la la la #

You know, Santa|checks his list twice.

I know you're|very, very naughty.

Hello?

WOMAN:
|Santa, my shift's over.

(chuckles)

(slurps)

You know, Santa's not one|to keep a girl waiting.

(sharp thud)

# #

Mrs. Mac, why don't you|open the present we got you.

Because we have to open|Billy's present first.

It's a 15-year Delta|Alpha Kappa tradition.

Okay, I...

I drew that name.

But can I say,|I'm sorry, I'm just,

I'm really not okay|with any of this.

I mean, buying a|Christmas present

for a serial killer?

MELISSA:
|No, you see,

serial killers murder|repeatedly for sexual thrill.

Billy Lenz|was a spree killer.

Dude just f***ing lost it.

Thank you.

HEATHER:
|Oh, whatever, Melissa, okay?

I'm just offended|by a pagan sacrifice

to ward off evil spirits|on Christmas.

Heather, we're just having|a little bit of fun.

Christmas is more about warding|off evil spirits than Halloween.

What Christmas sh*t

in this room resembles|anything Christian, huh?

It's all neo-pagan magic.

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