Black Christmas Page #2

Christmas tree...

a magical rite ensuring|the return of the crops.

The mistletoe is nothing|but a conception charm.

Fifth century Christians

jacked a Roman winter festival...

and the Earth was roamed|by the demons of chaos.

And f***ing Santa Claus?

This fat voyeur|that watches you all year long

to make sure you live up to

his standards of decency before|breaking into your house?

And that is different|from what Billy did... how?

Billy didn't break in.

Billy lived here.

(puffing)

Billy Edward Lenz was born

that gave him yellow skin.

Merry Christmas, Billy.

His parents hated each other.

The mother hated Billy.

she always wanted.

all she saw

was her husband.

(tapping cigarette)

# #

(ornaments rattling)

(glass crunching)

MOTHER:
Why you bothering|putting with those cookies?

Santa ain't coming to see you.

Russians shot his sleigh down.

Santa Claus... is dead.

(whispering):
|Don't listen to her.

Listen, if you go|upstairs to your room,

you'll find something|for yourself.

Now, go.

(switch clicks)

(grunts softly)

FATHER:
Look, I don't give|a sh*t if you're mean to me,

but to your own kid|on Christmas?

MOTHER:
|This is my present to myself.

I don't have to listen|to you no more.

FATHER:
|You didn't listen to me before.

(door slams downstairs)

FATHER:
|Who are you?

What the f*** do you want?

MOTHER:
|He's my family now.

FATHER:
|Get out of here!

MAN:
|She's mine now.

FATHER:
|This guy?

This guy, this piece of sh*t,|is your boyfriend?

MOTHER:
|Gonna be my husband.

FATHER:
|Hey, what the f*** is that?

I was in Vietnam.

Do you think I'm afraid of|a dude holding a f***ing hammer?

No!

(thud, Father grunts)

(punch landing)

(glass breaking, Father screams)

(Father grunts, punches landing)

(glass breaking, loud thud)

(dull thud)

(breaths shuddering)

(metal striking)

(footsteps)

(door opens)

(man panting)

(wallboard creaks)

(scraping, digging)

(both grunting, panting)

(clattering)

(gasps)

(clattering)

(object rolling)

(phone ringing)

(ringing continues)

Alpha Kappa.

Hello?

Hello-hello.

(chuckles)

Very funny, Kyle.

I think someone's in trouble.

(beeps)

(frantic breathing|over intercom)

VOICE (imitating Mother):|You want a Christmas cookie?

You're my cookie,|and I could gobble you up!

Billy, what have you done?!

(sobbing):
|What have you done?

(imitating Stepfather):|Where's Agnes?!

(imitating Billy):|She's my family now.

Hey, shouldn't|you get going?

Don't you have lots|of toys to deliver

- to good little boys and girls?|- Shh.

VOICE (panting):
|Get out of my house.

I'm gonna kill you.

- Call the police.|- LAUREN: Please.

Police ain't gonna do sh*t|about one wack-job phone call.

Just dial ''star 69.''

MELISSA:
|That just calls him back...

unless there's something|you need him to clarify.

(beep)

Caller I.D.|says Clair's cell.

You really shouldn't|provoke somebody like that.

What would you know|about dealing with anyone

other than your NASCAR daddy?

I'm going home.

Yeah, yeah, run to Daddy!

At least my family|wants me to come home.

KELLI:
|You guys,

come on.

It's, like, Christmastime.

Yeah.

Come on, Heather.

What about your present?

Give it to Billy.

Merry Christmas, Heather.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

You're all like my family now.

Oh.

Thanks, Eve.

That's... that's so sweet.

I know you like|the Bible and stuff.

MS. MAC:
|Well, that's the spirit!

Well, come on, everybody.

Let's get|this thing rolling.

What have we got here now?

Oh! Melissa.

There you are.

And, uh...

Let's see... Dana, very nice.

I wonder what this could be.

And let's see...

Aw, ''Mrs. Mac.''

You shouldn't have.

I'll open it later.

(''Carol of the Bells'' playing)

(grunting, panting)

Not again.

(grunting)

(snoring)

Every goddamn time.

(snoring)

(rocking chair creaking)

(latch clicking)

(''Carol of the Bells'' continues)

MOTHER:
|My little Agnes.

(footsteps thudding,|chandelier tinkling)

She's my family now.

MS. MAC:
All right,|let's get this party going.

Um, let's see.

This one's for Megan.

Kelli, is Megan coming down?

All right, we'll save|that one for later.

Uh... Oh.

Here's one for Mrs. Mac.

Ooh, it's a big one.

(chuckles)

All right, I'll wait.

And here is another|one for Melissa.

It's a little one.

Well, you know what they say.

Big things come in small pa...

Well, something like that;|I don't know.

It's all right,|let's see what else.

Then we'll open the stockings.

Oh, Eve, wait, wait.

Let me find your gift.

Eve...

''To Eve from Santa.''

Eve?

Does Eve have someplace to be?

The Island of Misfit Toys.

Her mother was a legacy.

And?

Her mother's dead.

She has no boyfriend,

no family.

I mean, really,|where does she have to go?

(footsteps crunching snow)

(footsteps crunching snow)

Who hasn't gotten|a gift yet? Uh...

Lauren?

Just give her a shot of tequila,

wish her happy holidays,|and she's good to go.

Happy holidays.

MELISSA:
|All right, look, I know

this is the whole|Secret Santa thing,

but I know, um,|Clair drew your name.

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah?|She get me anything good?

Oh, yeah.|It's a music box.

(sighs)

It plays ''Dance of|the Sugar Plum Fairies.''

Oh, f***, no.

I'm starting to see|the sugar plum fairies.

I don't need to hear|the little f***ers, too.

Language. Language.

(wind whistling)

WOMAN (over speakers):|Wireless services report

several microwave|relay stations are off-line.

Now, a relay station sends calls|out of the area, so that is why

your cell may work on local|calls, but not on long distance.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

(laughter)

Does it come with a man|to wear it for?

(laughter)

Whoo!

Here is our real present.

(phone ringing)

I got it.

Why is Megan calling here?

(phone continues ringing)

Hey, where are you?

VOICE (imitating Mother):|She's my family now.

(imitating Melissa): Everyone|should be home for Christmas.

(imitating Billy):|I'll be home for Christmas.

I'm going to bury the hatchet,|in your head.

That was not Megan.

(speed-dial beeping)

(line ringing)

WOMAN (on answering machine):|You have reached the main menu

of Clement University|campus security.

During the Christmas break...

Is Megan in her room?

I don't know.|I was just packing. What...

What's going on?

(Kelli and Heather screaming)

(groans)

KELLI (panting):
|Oh, my God.

Kyle.

What are you doing in there?

I wanted to spend|the night with you.

It's okay.

KYLE:
|And I knew that mama-san

and your sisters here would kick|me out, so I-I tried to sneak

into your room, but the window|wasn't open, so I, uh,

I saw that,|I saw that Megan's was,

so I climbed up here|to see you.

Is Megan in her room?

I don't know.

You climbed up into her room,

and you don't know|if she's in it?

It's dark.

LAUREN:
Does he think|we're f***ing stupid?

You were in Megan's room.

The call came from Megan's cell.

What call?

MELISSA:
|Can I just say,

I'm sorry,

but that-that f***ing voice,

that was not Megan or Kyle.

That was the f***ing|devil, okay?

And they were not talking to us.

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