Blackadder: The Cavalier Years

bBLACKADDER

"The Cavalier Years"/b

- Baldrick!

- Yes, sir?

Get me some mulled ale, will you?

I'm freezing.

How's the King, sir?

About as comfortable

as can be expected...

...for a man who's spending the winter

in a blackcurrant bush.

Do you think

the Roundheads will find him?

Certainly not. I've assured him

that he's as likely to be caught...

...as a fox being chased by a pack

of one-legged hunting tortoises.

Is that true?

Yes, of course it's true.

Have you ever known me

to lie to the King?

Yes.

- No.

- Exactly.

He's absolutely safe as long as

you keep your fat mouth shut.

You can trust me, sir.

Right, Baldrick,

I'm off to answer the call of nature.

If, by any freak chance, Cromwell

drops in here for a cup of milk...

...in the next 90 seconds,

remember:

- "The King is not hiding here."

- Yes, sir.

# Greensleeves... #

Good evening, citizen.

I am Oliver Cromwell.

My men have surrounded your house,

and I'm looking for royalist scum.

Is the King hiding here?

No.

On pain of death and damnation,

are you absolutely sure?

Yes, I am.

I see.

Well then, my proud beauty,

you won't mind if my men

come in from the cold, will you?

Men, come in from the cold,

will you?

Now, we'll all have a cup of milk

by your fireside.

All right, but don't touch

the purple cup.

- Why not?

- That's the King's.

Thank you, citizen. You may

leave me alone with King Charles.

Mr. Cromwell,

how delightful to see you again.

Don't get up. Don't get up.

Tell me, have you come far?

I have, sir.

From country squire

to Lord Protector of England.

Fascinating,

absolutely fascinating.

Tell me, what exactly

does a lord protector do?

He spells your doom, sir.

He spells my doom? Wonderful!

That's particularly exciting...

...because so many people these days

can't spell at all.

Particularly in the inner cities,

which is my area of interest.

Speak, sir. But all your fine words

won't save you from the scaffold.

Jolly good! Fascinating!

Carry on.

A priest, sir. To help you make

your peace with God before you die.

- Oh, hello.

- Your Majesty,

I've arranged for certain monies

to be paid to allow you to escape.

Blackadder!

You're dressed as a priest!

How dangerous and stupid...

...and perverted!

It's just like school.

Sire, this is a matter

of life and death.

Nonsense, Blackadder.

I don't think any jury in England...

...would bring in a verdict

of guilty against me.

Your Majesty,

the verdict of the jury.

So, what does it say?

Guilty or not guilty?

I'll give you two guesses.

Not guilty.

One more guess.

Oh, damn!

One measly civil war

in the entire history of England,

and I'm on the wrong bloody side!

Something wrong, sir?

Yes, Baldrick. If the King dies,

we royalists are doomed.

We will enter

a hideous age of Puritanism.

They'll close all the theatres.

Lace handkerchiefs for men

will be illegal.

And I won't be able to find

a friendly face to sit on...

...this side of Boulogne.

If they so much as suspect

our loyalties,

our property will be forfeit

and we'll be for the chop.

Oh, I love chops.

Baldrick, your brain...

...is like the four-headed man-eating

haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.

- In what way?

- It doesn't exist.

- Oh, God. What will we do?

- Don't despair, something'll pop up.

Not under Puritanism it won't.

We must do something.

We must do something, otherwise

the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.

What ant?

That one.

So this is the day

of the execution of Charles I.

Absolutely not, Your Majesty.

Those Roundhead traitors...

...have one final hurdle

that they will never straddle.

Fascinating.

What is that exactly?

They will never find

a man to behead you.

They'd have hundreds of volunteers

to execute Cromwell, he's so ugly.

He's got so many warts on his face...

...it's only when he sneezes that

you find out which one is his nose.

But they'll never find

a man to execute you.

Well, I find that absolutely tragic.

There are so many young people

who would leap at a chance like this.

All they need

is the initiative, somehow.

I suppose, in a sense, that's what

my award scheme is all about.

- Really?

- Yes.

On the other hand, of course,

I don't want my head cut off.

- It's a question of balance, like...

- Shut up! With respect Your Majesty.

They'll never find an executioner.

And if they do,

may my conjugal dipstick

turn into a tennis racket.

A message for the King.

# There's a tavern in the town... #

For God's sake, stop that Baldrick!

It's bad enough having one's life

in ruins, without being serenaded...

...by a moron with all the entertainment

value of a tap-dancing oyster.

I'm sorry, sir.

I can't help it.

You see, I've just had

a little windfall.

Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're

going to do that, go into the garden.

No, I mean

I've come into some money.

Really?

Family inheritance?

No, I ate that ages ago.

Yes, of course. Your thoughtful

father bequeathed you a turnip.

No, it was 50 pounds actually,

it was delicious.

But this is just a little something

that fell in my lap.

Not the first time that there's been

a little something in your lap.

- No, but this one is a job.

- Really? I just don't understand it.

Where on earth did they find a man

so utterly without heart and soul,

so low and degraded

as to accept the job...

...of beheading

the King of England?

- Baldrick?

- Yes.

- That little job that fell into your lap...

- Yes.

It wasn't by any chance

something to do with an axe, a basket,

a little black mask

and the King of England?

- No.

- Go on.

I couldn't find a basket.

You very small total bastard!

Please, sir, don't kill me. I have

a cunning plan to save the King.

Forgive me if I don't

do a cartwheel of joy.

Your family's record

in cunning planning...

...is about as impressive

as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs'...

...personal best in the

Market Harborough marathon.

All right, what's the plan?

A pumpkin...

is going to save the king.

But over here, I have one

that I prepared earlier.

I'll balance it

on the King's head, like this.

Then I'll cover his real head

with a cloak...

...and then, when I execute him,

instead of cutting off his real head,

I'll cut off the pumpkin

and the King survives!

- I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick.

- Why not?

Because once you've cut it off

you have to hold it up and say,

"This is the head of a traitor."

At which point, they'll shout back,

"No, it's a large pumpkin with

a pathetic moustache drawn on it."

I suppose it's not 100% convincing.

It's not 1% convincing.

However, I am a busy man...

...and I can't be bothered

to punch you at the moment,

Here's my fist, kindly run towards it

as fast as you can.

I just don't understand it.

What possessed you to take the job?

I'm sorry, sir. It was just

a wild silly foolish plan.

I thought with the money I got

from executing the King,

I could sneak out and buy a new king

when no one was looking...

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