Blackadder Back & Forth Page #3

of Roman soldiers.

- Welcome, General.

- Splendid.

Good to see you practising

your English, Georgius.

- Did you hear that, Balders?

- I certainly did, Centurion.

Back to Rome, at last.

I say, this is interesting.

There appears to be a large

orange hedge moving towards us.

Oh, that's not a hedge, Consul.

That's the Scots.

- Shall we run, my Lord?

- Yes.

Perhaps we could negotiate.

Last one there gets hacked to pieces

by Rod Stewart's great grandfather!

- Let's get home, Baldrick.

- But we don't know where home is.

We're doomed to float though time

for all time.

Oh, woe is me!

Shut up. There is one final thing

to push which may be our salvation.

Or not.

Because it is in fact, a lollipop.

- Raspberry flavoured, my Lord.

- Oh, God.

I'm going to spend the rest

of my life in a small wooden room

with two toilets,

and the stupidest man in the worid.

Wait, my Lord. Don't despair,

for I have a cunning plan.

- I'm not optimistic, Baldrick.

- To be quite frank, my Lord,

neither am I, my family have

never been very good at plans.

So, with suitably low expectations,

what is your cunning plan?

Well, you know are when people drown,

their life flashes in front of them?

Yes...

Well, if you stuck your head

in a bucket of water,

and didn't bring it out again,

then your whole life

would flash in front of you,

and you'd see where all the knobs

and levers were when we set off.

Then, if you pulled

your head out again

just before you died,

you could guide us home.

- Baldrick.

- My Lord,

Good plan, with perhaps just

one tiny modification.

- How's it going?

- I'm 18 years old,

- I've just left nursery school.

- Okey dokey.

I'm 25,

I'm back at nursery school.

- Got it!

- Very good.

But I wish

I'd flushed the loo first.

Oh, yeah.

As we approach the end, my Lord,

what do you think we've

learnt on our great journey?

Good question, Baldrick.

I suppose I've learned that I must

buy you a stronger mouthwash

for Christmas. How about you?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose I've learnt that humans

have always been the same,

some nice, some nasty,

some clever, some stupid,

there's always a Blackadder,

and there's always a Baldrick.

Yes, very profound, Baldrick.

- Also, it occurs to me...

- God, there's not more is there?

If you're in the right place

at the right time, then every person

has the power to go out

and change the worid for the better.

God, you really are as thick

as clotted cream

that's been left out by some clot

until the clot are so clotted up

that you couldn't unclot them

with an electric de-clotter.

Aren't you Baldrick?

Real change comes from huge

socio-economic things

that individuals have no effect on.

Unless you're King

or Prime Minister or something.

Yes, I suppose they can

make a difference.

But for the rest of us, all we can do

in life is try to make a bit of cash.

Which is what I intend

to do right now.

Hang on...

Did you see?

Good Lord, Blackadder,

what happened there?

Yes, everything went

sort of squiggly.

I have in fact,

returned from the past.

You surely don't expect us

to believe that, Blackadder.

Clearly that was all some sort of

cheap conjuring trick.

On the contrary, Darling.

Well, bravo,

with big brass bells on!

And as a little bonus, the crown

of Elizabeth I of England.

Oh, fine!

- It fits!

- Well done, Blackadder.

But tell me, all this stuff about

changing history with time travel,

you must have had to be

damnsome careful.

Oh, I was, very careful.

So, Blackadder, tell us, did you

hang out with any big time celebs?

Well, yes actually. This belonged to,

none other than, Robin Hood.

Who?

- Robin Hood.

- Never heard of him.

You'll have to do

better than that Blackadder.

Right. So you've never heard

of Robin Hood?

No.

Well, this is the title page

for "Macbeth",

signed by Shakespeare himself.

No, no, come on,

you've heard of Shakespeare.

He's the fellow who invented

the ballpoint pen.

Yes, well I might have affected

a few things, but nothing important.

Well, never mind, Blackadder.

You've certainly won your bet.

So here's your 10,000 francs.

And jolly well-deserved, too.

What do you mean, francs?

What do you mean,

"What do I mean, francs?"

Surely you mean 10,000 pounds.

Pounds? We haven't used those

for 200 years,

not since the emperor Napoleon

won the Battle of Waterloo.

Which reminds me,

it's time to get to the TV.

Monsieur le Prsident will be

broadcasting from Versailles.

Are you coming?

No, I might just

go on one final little trip.

No, don't go you have had any

delicious garlic pudding.

After which, I'm going to do

"un petit peu de ballet."

Allons enfants de la patrie,

le jour de gloire,,,

Right, that's it!

Come on, Balders,

we've got save Britain.

I thought I'd drop in

to wish you good luck.

You can't lose.

Hello, Darling.

There's one question

I've always wanted to ask you.

- Yes?

- How come you're so great?

Because I'm me.

- I'm a very big fan, Bill.

- Thank you.

Keep up the good work.

King Lear, very funny.

Good Lord, Blackadder,

what happened there?

- Well, Bravo!

- And here,

a front page of"Macbeth"

signed by Shakespeare himself.

- Oh my God!

- That's better.

Well done, Blackadder.

But tell me, all this stuff about

changing history through time travel,

you must have had to be

damnsome careful.

Oh, I was,

very, very careful.

Intriguing thought, isn't it?

The smallest thing can change history.

Imagine if Wellington had died

before Waterloo, we'd be French!

Or if someone hadn't invented

deodorant, we'd all be smelly.

The tiniest thing can affect

the course of human history.

Think what turmoil

an unscrupulous person could wreak.

Yes.

Could you excuse me

just five seconds?

Yes, absolutely.

Why don't you just go upstairs

and watch televisin?

- I'll be back very very soon.

- Oh, splendid!

But hurry, Blackadder.

Don't miss the shindig at midnight.

Don't worry, I'll be back.

Baldrick, I have

a very very very cunning plan.

As cunning as a fox what used to be

a professor of cunning

at Oxford University

but has moved on, and now works

for the UN at the High Commissin

of International Cunning Planning?

Yes, it is.

That's cunning.

Right, here goes.

And now excitement is reaching

fever pitch

as the final guest of honour

arrives at the dome,

Many of the crowds have been here

for up to 36 hours

waiting for this moment, and

I'm sure they won't be disappointed

as the great car sweeps into view,

because here, at last, is

the King himself,

King Edmund the third,

Universally loved, 98%

approval rating across the country,

And with him, his gorgeous new bride,

Queen Marion of Sherwood,

the nation's most famous beauty,

beloved by all,

And here to greet them

is the Prime Minister,

unmarried of course, but now

entering his fifth term of office,

The relationship between the king

and his first minister

particularly close nowadays since the

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