Blankman

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1

Meet a real Fab family,

the Carrolls of Charleston, South Carolina.

I'm a fanatic about clean clothes.

That's why I'm glad for Fab.

Dummies. Borax won't work

unless you put active enzymes in.

You geek! How do you know all that?

- I'm not a geek.

- Yes, you are.

- Am not.

- Are too.

I'll show you geeky!

Hurry up, it's coming on!

Batman!

Batman!

Stupid old TV.

Holy bad reception, Batman. I'll fix it.

Hurry up or we'll miss it!

Hurry!

Where worms always go...

...down into the earth.

- ls it working?

- No, not yet.

That's it! Don't move.

Your glasses!

Remember, never hit a man with glasses.

- Even better. Perfect!

- Yes!

Yeah, keep flushing.

Back to back!

Who's playing with the toilet?

Kevin, is that you?

Boy! I'm going to peel the skin off

of your behind, boil it and make soup!

To the Batpoles!

What did I say?

Stay out of my kitchen!

Stop that, or I'm calling the police!

Shut up, you crusty old b*tch!

That must be your mama

you're thinking about.

Thanks for the help, lady.

- Help me. I'm hurt.

- Get off the car, you bum!

Kevin, is that your grandma...

- Good morning, Grandma.

- Don't good morning me.

You could've at least fed that little

heifer. Making all that noise last night.

Good thing you're so quick,

otherwise I'd never have gotten no sleep.

They were beating up a man in the alley

this morning. Cops did nothing.

Do you blame 'em?

They haven't been paid in two weeks.

That'll change when Assemblyman Harris

is elected mayor. You watch.

Grandma, one man cannot save the world.

I don't live in the world.

I live in this neighborhood...

...and Harris is the only candidate

to ever set foot in it.

- What do you want for breakfast?

- I'll just have some coffee. I got to run.

All you do is run. Now, come on, sit down.

Let your grandmother fix you

a nice hot meal.

We're not kids anymore, Grandma.

We're grown, remember?

- Good morning, Grandma.

- 'Morning, Poopski.

- 'Morning, Kevin.

- Darryl, man, come on.

You didn't sleep well last night, did you?

I heard you talking to yourself.

I was working on my latest creation.

A sound-activated,

aerodynamic insect predator.

- A what?

- A flying flycatcher.

You are a genius! Just like your mama.

May angels bless her soul.

One of these days he'll blow us up

with one of those damn inventions.

Shouldn't you be at work already?

- Wait, Kevin, I got something for you.

- I got to go.

It's okay! J-5 will bring it.

Make the turn, make the turn.

Watch out for Grandma.

There you go. Watch the wall.

- I've got to oil his ball bearings.

- You need to throw that in the trash.

- Here you go.

- What is that?

A two-way transceiver radio belt.

Put this in your ear...

...and talk into the buckle.

It also has a radio tracking device.

You need to get that out of my face.

I'm not wearing that crap.

- Please, Kevin?

- No!

Kevin. Come here.

- He's retarded!

- Come here!

He should invent some hair

for that bald head of his.

Now!

Give me the belt. I'll wear it.

No, you don't have to wear

my stupid old belt if you don't want to.

Darryl, please. May I wear your belt?

Are you sure

that you really, really want to?

Yeah, I'm really, really sure

I'd like to wear your belt.

'Cause you really, really don't have to...

...if you really, really don't want to.

And I'd be really, really upset if...

Give me the damn belt!

This is great, Kevin.

Now we can talk together all day long.

I'll be home late. I got a karate class.

I'll radio you in about an hour.

Then every hour on the hour after that

just to work all the bugs out.

If I'm not there, leave a message.

Oh, you'll be there.

I'll track you down.

Wait, wait, wait! Thank you.

Great day, isn't it?

Why don't we see?

"GM lays off 500 more employees.

"A post-office worker

wipes out an entire zip code.

"And the police are threatening

to walk out on a strike."

I just meant the sun was gonna shine.

I hadn't gotten to the lame

come-on section yet.

So, I guess we'll probably

talk later, right?

She's shy.

Who let you out

of the Hard Edition dungeon?

This is the newsroom.

You know she's out of your league.

Stevens, they're all out of your league.

I heard you won a toaster

at the sperm bank. Got to go. Got to run.

Down, brother. Down into the basement.

'Bye, basement boy.

Yeah! Blood on the hands,

blood on the hands!

Lift him out of the trunk.

Hear that bone break?

That's journalism, my friend!

That's journalism!

Walker! I watched your piece

on the Mayor last night.

Boring!

Have you lost your goddamn mind?

It's got no angle, no edge. Listen...

...if you can't get anything real,

go to the board.

The Vice President...

...and an alien...

...have S & M sex!

Now that's a great story.

My sources connect Mayor Gates

to Michael Minelli and organized crime.

"My sources link Gates to Minelli."

Who will you interview? Gates?

He won't talk to us since we made up

that sh*t about him on the sheep farm.

Nope. Minelli.

Right. You get an interview

with Michael Minelli...

...l'll promote your ass so high

you'll be shitting off the moon.

In the meantime,

I forbid you to watch any more 60 Minutes.

Remember, I want edge.

It's not Hard Edition, it's...

- Hard Edge-dition, right.

- That's my boy.

Boy? Sh*t, I'm a man.

- What?

- Nothing.

This is great.

This is going to be perfect.

Darryl.

This was a toaster

when Mrs. Reem brought it in.

What is it now?

It's better than a toaster, Mr. Crudd.

It's a toaster plus.

Wasted heat from the toast...

...rises up to the pan cooking the egg,

which in turn heats the coffee.

Once the coffee starts to percolate,

the eggs flip out onto the toast.

Just make it a toaster again.

Okay?

What is that?

A sound-activated,

aerodynamic insect predator.

I don't like the looks of that.

Don't be afraid of it. It's like a dog.

If you run from it, it'll chase you.

I want that out of here.

You need to be fixing things.

Now look at that mess!

- What are you doing with that thing?

- Down, boy.

What happened? ls that all right there?

Apparently, the fly left the room.

It's activated by the buzz.

You are in big trouble.

- Now, you just clean up this mess.

- Yes, Mr. Crudd.

What's the plus and minus on it?

Good. That's great news, Betty.

Give it to Mark.

Listen up, everybody!

We just got our latest poll results

and we're five points up!

Thanks to you!

I want to promise you

that when we're elected...

...nothing is going to stand in the way

of the things...

...we promised to do in this campaign.

That's a guarantee.

Harris! Harris!

What are you doing here?

The garbage goes in the back.

- Give me that.

- Eleanor. Get your hands off of her!

I want to wish Mr. Harris luck. I

understand you're doing well in the polls.

Maybe we can talk somewhere private?

Anything you say to me, you can say

in front of them. We have no secrets.

All right then.

I understand you're going to need

campaign contributions...

...and I would like to contribute.

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