Blood Money

This program has

come to you from Bill Bailey.

The friend in need,

Open day and night.

Call Van Dyke 621J

You're not leaving town.

You just think you are.

Why are you bellyaching. You got

more out of me than any other woman.

Yeah, you've been swell to me.

You buy all my clothes

from shoplifters.

I can't wear my furs and jewellery.

The people you stole them from might see

and throw me in jail.

- Where you going, Red?

- No place.

Just came back.

Now, flannel mouth,

Get up and get

Bill Bailey on the phone.

Sorry to disturb you judge,

but Bill Bailey sent me over,

to get you to sign

this blanket bond.

Thanks judge.

Have a cigar on Bill Bailey.

His special brand.

Good night, judge.

That Bill Bailey

has a lot of nerve.

Well, he's got a lot

of influence too.

Da! Sure, sure.

Thank you very much.

This was Bill Bailey.

He just ordered

150 turkeys for Thanksgiving.

- For charity huh?

- Sure. For our poor judges,

Our poor lawyers

and our poor police officers.

One... two...

three... four...

Five... six... seven...

- You've not had a winner tonight Bailey

- I make all my money off losers.

Here, have a cigar, Sam.

A tuba down in Cuba

makes them especially for me.

Thanks.

- This gentleman here will take care

of you. - We want to see Mr. Bailey.

He isn't here right now, but I might

get him for you if it's important.

- My lawyer sent us over.

It's very important. - OK.

- Just have a seat.

- Thank you. - Over here please.

Excuse me just a minute.

This 1,000 bucks we're shooting for

isn't a bag of peanuts you know.

All over but the shouting.

You can't beat Bill.

It's all yours, Bailey.

- It was worth the money

just to see you do it. - Thanks.

Sorry to disturb you, but there's

an old lady and her son.

- Cavett sent them over.

- Cavett, huh?

Don't go away, suckers.

I'll be right back so you can get even.

- Come right in.

- Thank you, Sir.

Take your hat off.

- Have a chair.

- Thank you, sir.

- Now, what's the trouble?

- I didn't do anything, honest

- My boy is a good boy.

- What are you charged with?

- Criminal assault.

- How old is the girl?

It's not a girl.

It's a woman, about 38.

- How old are you?

- 16.

16?

Well... You haven't got a thing

to worry about Sonny, not a thing.

By the way, mother,

do you own your own home?

Why, yes Sir.

You just leave the deed to it

in the outer office.

- Thank you, Sir.

- That's alright.

- Thank you.

- That's alright.

16, huh?

- Hello, Mr. Bailey, how are you?

- Good evening, Jim.

Ruby wants to see you.

She's upstairs.

- Alone?

- She's with her brother.

- I didn't know he was in town.

- He just got out last week.

I first met Kate the Golden Gate

San Francisco Bay

She stole my heart away

On a lovely summer day

We did our wooing, went canoeing

And we watched the fields at play

On the golden strand

I won her hand

In San Francisco Bay

I first met Kate

By the Golden Gate

San Fran... cisco Bay

She stole my heart away

On a lovely summer day

We did our wooing, went canoeing

And we watched the fields at play

On the golden strand

I won her hand

In San Francisco

Oh you Frisco

Francisco Bay

Good evening Mr. Bailey,

what will it be?

Give everyone a drink and make mine

the usual, bourbon with a beer chaser.

Hello, how are you?

What about a drink?

A whiskey sour.

Have a cigar.

Oh, you big sissy.

Here boys, have a cigar.

- I thought that was you, Mr. Bailey

- How's business, Jessica?

This new 3 carat toot beer

ain't doing us a bit of good.

Darling, Mr. Bailey's here.

- Hello Bill.

- How are ya Drury.

- When d'ya get out?

- 2 weeks ago.

- Drove here Friday from Detroit.

- Have a cigar. - Thanks.

There were no suckers there,

so here I am.

Drury still thinks suckers are

guys that ride around in town cars.

We're all chumps for somebody.

You for Bill

and me for a cutie down at the bar.

What you mean is

a piece of plain, French pastry.

This one has nothing but class.

Wears a monocle and a man's tuxedo.

- Then you're safe.

- That's just where you're wrong.

She dresses that way for laughs.

Got a great sense of humour.

See you later, Sis.

So long, Bill.

So long.

- Fix the tie.

Mr. Drury, you're always in a hurry.

Because I'm a guy

what takes his time.

I've done a better job

raising you than I have him.

I'm not as much worry

with the girls as Drury is.

Oh yes you are.

But you always came back.

Ruby, I could never

get stuck on any girl but you.

I like you a lot tonight.

- Just like a little boy.

- A nice boy?

No.

The kind that writes dirty words

on the sidewalk with chalk.

I used to do that.

Did you ever draw a big heart on

the sidewalk with an arrow through it?

- And write underneath

Lil loves Mary? - No!

Weren't you ever romantic?

Can you imagine a guy

getting romantic in a reform school?

This girl outside

wants to leave this ring as collateral.

- What's she in for?

- Grand theft.

- How much is her bail?

- 1,500.

But this ring is worth six grand.

How do you do.

I'm Mr. Bailey.

- May I have your name please?

- Jane Smith

Jane Smith?

I've never been so embarrassed

in my life. This charge is

so absolutely ridiculous,

I just can't discuss it.

- May I use your phone.

- Certainly, over there in the corner.

This is Miss Talbart.

Let me speak to my father.

Society stuff.

They've got a butler.

And her real name is Talbart.

Hello, father. I'll be delayed

for dinner. I've had an accident.

I don't want to

discuss it over the phone.

No, no.

I haven't been shopping.

Don't send a car.

I'll get a taxi.

Ask Miss Smith to come in here.

- Cigarette?

- Thank you.

May I...

drive you home, Miss Smith?

We can fix up

this red tape later.

I couldn't think of

troubling you Mr. Bailey.

No trouble at all, Miss Smith.

What kind of a car have you,

open or closed?

- Open.

- Oh, that's fine.

I'm starved.

Want to go to the Biltmore?

No, let's go to a drive-in place.

Order hamburgers.

OK.

- And remember, plenty of onion.

- Yes ma'am.

- Do you really like onions.

- Insane about them.

All my life I've wanted to meet

a girl who really liked onions.

So what?

I've come to see you

about Miss Jane Smith.

Accused of stealing

a beaded bag.

D'you know who Jane Smith is?

I know she was caught

shop lifting in this store.

Jane Smith isn't her real name.

Her father controls some of

the biggest concerns in America.

Why should she steal?

We lose tens of thousands of dollars

every year from amateur shoplifters.

People who steal for the thrill.

Now Jordon, I'm familiar with

the financial status of your store.

You can't afford to antagonize

people of prominence.

Speak to our insurance company.

- What firm?

- Merchant's Protective Association.

Get them on the phone.

Let me talk to Jim Lane.

Get me

The Merchant's Protective Association.

Mr. James Lane.

Hello, Jim.

This is Bill Bailey.

Listen Jim, I'm in

Harkweather's Department Store.

I want you to tell their manager that

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