Bo Burnham: what.

---

- Bo.

- What?

- I bet you can't do this.

- Old MacDonald had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

And on his farm,

he had a pig

E-I-E-I-O

With a [pig snort] here

And a [pig snort] there

And Old MacDonald

had a farm

E-I-E-I-O

[cheers and applause]

- This is Bo Burnham.

He's 22 years old.

He's a male.

And he looks like

the genetic product

of a giraffe having sex

with Ellen DeGeneres.

He has a gigantic head

and tiny nipples.

He's isolated himself

over the last five years

in pursuit of comedy

and, in doing so,

has lost touch with reality.

You're an a**hole, Bo.

You hear me?

You think you know better

than me.

You think you know better

than everybody.

You will die alone.

And you will deserve it.

But in the meantime,

you might as well

tell those silly jokes of yours.

See if that helps.

[hip-hop music]

[cheers and applause]

- You used to do comedy

When you felt

like being funny

But now you're contractually

obligated

So dance,

you f***ing monkey

Dance, monkey, dance

Welcome to the show

This is Bo,

this is his show

And Bo wants

to dance like this

Welcome to the show

This is Bo,

this is his show

And Bo takes off his pants

like this

Play an invisible drum

Play an invisible trumpet,

trumpet sound

Drink some invisible water

Oh, sh*t,

that water's real

Bo wants to make

you feel comfortable

Bo wants to make

you feel comfortable

Random voice

Bo wants to make

you feel comfortable

So sit back, relax

And enjoy a healthy dose

Of prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Prolonged eye contact

- Lick your lips

to make it more comforting

Do you want to see

a magic trick?

Do you want to see

a magic trick?

Do you want to see

a magic trick?

Then pick a card, any card

Psych.

Magic isn't real, you idiot

- Read a book

- Magic isn't real,

you idiot

- Read a book

- Magic isn't real,

you idiot

- Read a book

- Magic isn't real

Or is it?

And at that moment,

Bo's 20-year-old cynicism

melted into childlike wonder.

He never knew there could be

so much magic in the world.

It's a world

of possibilities, Bo.

What do you want to do first?

Run?

Yeah, sure, you can run.

Fly?

Oh, yeah, you can fly.

What?

What are you--

What the f***

are you do--

what the f*** are you doing?

Stop. Stop it.

What the f--

You f***ing idiot.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Anyways, in the distance,

Bo saw a beautiful fairy,

a fairy so beautiful

that he felt proud about being

called one in high school.

He then came

across an old bridge

with a troll standing guard.

Bo knew that he'd have to answer

a riddle to get by.

The troll spoke thus:

"All right, for the last time,

man, I'm not a troll.

"I'm homeless.

"Okay, do you have

any spare change?

"Okay, that's a used napkin.

"I don't want that.

"No, no, stop.

Just--you know what? Leave.

Just leave.

Please leave."

And then...

as Bo arrived on the other side

of the stage,

he saw a unicorn with five horns

right in front of him.

And the pentacorn spoke thus:

"Hello, Bo.

I've been looking for you

for quite a long--"

[gunshots]

[gun clicks, cartridge thuds]

[gun clicks, gunshots]

He was safe for now.

But the dark thoughts

would soon return.

- It's Godzilla!

[animal shrieking]

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

- It's so hard

to be a lizard

It's hard to be a lizard

Tiny arms, itchy gizzard

- Why is he singing?

He's a monster.

- It's hard to be a lizard

But it's harder to segue

Is he skiing

Or is he in a gay porn?

Is he skiing

Or is he in a gay porn?

Is he skiing

Or is he in a gay porn?

Here's a hint

He's in a gay porn

Okay, Bo, this miming sh*t

Is getting pretty annoying

So give them the real thing

- My voice

is so f***ing natural

It's naturally good

Naturally good

Naturally good

- This is the end

of the song

And the beginning

of the show

Welcome to the show

[cheers and applause]

- That lizard part

was pretty f***ing stupid.

Anyway...

San Francisco, yeah.

Yeah.

We are a place.

We are a place in California.

I'd like to--I'd like to start

with a joke

for my male audience.

This is a joke for the fellas.

Where are my fellas at?

Fellas?

men:
Yeah.

- Yo, fellas, don't you hate it

when you're blowing a guy

and he ends up being a f*ggot?

Am I right?

I've been blowing a f*ggot

this whole time?

Third time this week.

Thank you so much.

We're having fun.

This show is called what.

And I hope

there's some surprises

for you or some--

Jesus. Sorry.

That's a good start.

I hope there's some--

- He meant to knock

the water over

Yeah, yeah, yeah

But you all thought

it was an accident

But he meant to knock

the water over

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

art is alive

Nothing is real

- So we--

Grow up.

Grow up with your applause.

Stick it.

- He meant to knock

the water over

Yeah, yeah, yeah

But you all thought

it was an a--

- Just don't--if it's on repeat,

it will repeat.

We can cut all this.

- He meant to play

the track again

Yeah, yeah, yeah

But you all thought

it was an accident

But he meant to play the water

track again-gain-gain

Art's still alive,

nothing's still real

- Food jokes.

Let's do some food jokes.

Segues are weird.

I had a hot dog

for breakfast today,

and afterwards

I felt like this...

'cause I couldn't control

my stools.

All right, Jesus.

Glad you like poop-based puns.

That'll be a majority

of the show.

Never waste a moment.

Every moment can become

a comedic moment.

See? So just a little lesson

for comedians.

This first song is called

A World on Fire.

[screaming]

This next song, it's a little

bit longer than that one, and--

Thank you.

It's about how sad I am,

and I'm really sad.

And it's called Sad.

[melancholy music]

It's about all the sad stuff.

Just picture a depressed onion

cutting itself.

[whimpers]

I met a homeless man

named Rich

[laughter]

Isn't that terrible?

I saw a flyer for a lost dog

And the dog didn't have

any legs

I saw a diabetic kid

Trick-or-treating

I saw a giraffe

who had a short neck

That was sad or a deer

I saw an old man

get hit by a train

He didn't see it

in the pouring rain

He didn't hear me shout,

"Look out for the train."

'Cause I didn't say anything.

I just thought to myself,

"Ooh, this is gonna be sad."

And it was.

I'm a genius.

[whimpers]

I saw a man

with only one eye

In a 3-D movie

I saw a little boy

drop his ice cream cone

Directly

on his mother's corpse

I saw a kitten

stuck in a tree

Then the kitten jumped off,

and he hung itself

I saw a boy

who had red hair

I went to a store

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